Five uncomfortable questions you should ask your partner (even if it costs you a lot of trouble)

We know very little about

.

No matter how long we have been together, things escape us, something totally inevitable, since we will never get to know his inner world 100%.

If we ourselves do not reach that percentage of self-

, believing that we can achieve it with others is a total fantasy.

Hence, the half orange is a myth, but also being complete oranges, fullness includes affective relationships, although not just any will serve us.

Thinking that we know the other, generates an inevitable feeling of

, totally illusory.

That is why there is so much talk about the importance of

in a couple.

But, perhaps we are feeding it with the hope or expectations that we deposit in who we like or love, without any confirmation by reality criteria?

It is true that when we do not have all the information or the message is confusing, we tend to automatically fill in the gaps to give the message meaning.

Thus, the so-called

manage uncertainty and offer the balance we need.

COMPLETE STRANGERS

A contestant, in the most famous dating program on television, which is broadcast on Cuatro.EM

Yes, they help us, but in exchange for what?

Of living in poverty.

With how happy ignorance makes us sometimes.

Eyes that do not see, heart that does not feel... Now, because you will find out and the

, from the castle that you have mounted in the air, may not be very fun.

Overheard in consultation: "I'm living with a stranger! Seven years together and now I find out you like to do...that?"

That's being unfaithful, no matter how you feel!

"If I find out, I won't marry you."

This is just a sample of what happens in couples therapy.

Basically, two people, who think they know each other well,

finally

But how can this be!

Well, because perhaps you have not asked yourself some

but uncomfortable questions.

I know, when relationships begin it is strange to ask certain intimate things and we prefer to gradually discover our loved one, rather than take the risk that it entails.

Nor do we want to face certain issues that may bring us down from the

, too soon.

Or it may be that, in that state of transitory mental alienation, apparently so ideal, you don't want to accept everything "crazy" about your partner;

something similar happening to the other party, because no one gets rid of their terrifying percentage.

Love flows and laughter is not lacking, why worry now, better live in the present, we think.

WHAT WE SHOULD KNOW

But we have to deal with certain issues if we do not want to spend our lives as a couple worried.

Nothing like asking to get rid of doubts.

On the first dates we already do it, asking about their likes and hobbies: What is your favorite food?

Cinema or theater?

do you read?

Do you smoke or drink alcohol?

Do you exercise?

Do you study or work?

classic, wow.

But few people ask

to determine if the relationship is possible, short-term or long-term.

Knowing what we share and what is not essential.

And within the latter, what is

.

Well, those non-negotiables, perhaps they can suppose a resignation by the other party or an unnecessary effort, and harmful for both, tried to change their way of feeling, thinking or wanting.

Either by magic or by our insatiable, overwhelming and disrespectful determination to make it so.

I will get it!, you will believe.

Well no.

For affective responsibility to be effective and pleasurable sexuality to be enjoyed by both, I am providing you with some questions that perhaps you have not yet asked your partner, proposed by Dr. Jeka Méndez, a sexologist:

1. Which

do you like and which ones you don't?

What would you be willing to try?

We start warm and with laughter, because it can be for many.

Neither do you have to discover everything, or nothing, if there is not enough trust yet, but it indicates that it is an important issue and that it would be good to know as much as possible to benefit the sexual relations of both.

Dr. Méndez indicates that "opening this space is adding to intimacy, it invites each one to self-knowledge and reflection on their own pleasure, in order to be shared", in addition, "relationships are established based on trust, consensus and

, leaving room for curiosity, innovation, fantasies, desires..." and whatever comes up.

2. What counts as

for you?

"Infidelity is understood as breaking agreements in a relationship," according to the doctor.

However, we also usually associate it with the use of the genitals and certain sexual practices.

"We do not speak openly about these agreements, ignoring the limits of the other, focusing on a single relationship model," the expert details.

3. How could we manage our relationship if there is or was a discrepancy in

?

For Jeka, "Assuming that sexual desire is the same in each of the parts of the relationship or will remain the same over time, not only cuts off the possibility of cultivating desire within the relationship, but it could be a point of starting point for the existence of other problems that affect it negatively".

4. Do you know your state of

?

A fundamental question that very few couples discuss.

"Beyond the curiosity and/or morbidity that knowing the other's sexual life may arouse, it is not something that adds to the relationship itself, sharing this information is a very personal decision," says the doctor.

"On the other hand, something that is important is to take responsibility for our health, for our own interest and to take care of who we share sexually with."

5. Do you want

?

Have you thought about what their upbringing would be like?

This may be asked more but, far from being a maternity or paternity aptitude test, since reality always surpasses fiction with this offspring thing, it is a way of knowing

and knowing if there are intentions similar to yours.

Especially if this aspect is very clear to you and it is a non-negotiable issue for you, or for the other party.

Now complete these ideas with the questions that move you.

It would be interesting, at least, to know a few things before launching into a more lasting story, with common goals and

Although knowing ourselves and others is a job for life, there are issues that must be dealt with, always keeping in mind that change is the only

.

For this reason, it would not hurt to ask a battery of questions when the relationship begins and answer it again from time to time, every year, for example, including others that we may not even question at the beginning.

But be careful, let's not take this as if it were an opposition.

The idea is to communicate, understand and accept each other, if you can and want to.

The "Red flags" or red flags, which we usually consider exclusive, are so fashionable that we can shout: Next!

to the person we like, if we discover that he is too quiet, when you also sin in that, or quite the opposite, he does not flush the toilet or is not on Shakira's side.

Detecting what we do not share will allow us

, assimilating that we are not the same, because each person is unique, and even so we can love each other and build something beautiful.

Embracing that part of uncertainty that accompanies affection, when no one knows what they will feel tomorrow, nor can they control it.

So let's take the purpose of

as a long-term mission.

And, of course, if the red flags are really dodgy...

*Ana Sierra is a psycho-sexologist www.anasierra.es

According to the criteria of The Trust Project

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