Career: How to build better relationships at work

Highlights: Gorick Ng is a best-selling author and lecturer in career and personal development at the University of California, Berkeley. She says building relationships at work is often easier than first thought. These strategies aren't just for introverts or shy people, as professionals use them time and time again, she says. "The main thing is to “show yourself,” as the majority of my conversation partners put it. This works best in smaller stages," says Ng. "If you've already said "Hello" to a stranger, you have a chance to turn acquaintances into allies"

How you can manage to establish good relationships with your colleagues even from your home office.

Enlarge image

A simple “Hello”

in an unfamiliar environment makes some people uncomfortable.

It is important, especially at work, to be seen and heard as a human being

Photo: mihailomilovanovic / Getty Images

After a job change, entering the office can often make you uncomfortable.

Do you feel the same way?

You're probably asking yourself the same questions you did on your first day of school a long time ago: Where should I sit?

What can I say?

How do I find friends?

Gorick Ng

is a best-selling author and lecturer in career and personal development at the University of California, Berkeley.

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Making relationships at work may seem even more difficult than it was at school.

Especially if you are a more introverted person and after changing companies you start in a team whose members have known each other for many years.

Do you feel scared and anxious just thinking about it?

Don't worry, as I learned while researching my book "The Unspoken Rules," building relationships is often easier than first thought.

Below I describe in a highly condensed form the advice I distilled from interviews with more than 500 experts from various industries and professional groups.

This much can be revealed: The main thing is to “show yourself,” as the majority of my conversation partners put it.

This works best in smaller stages.

Step 1: Break the silence

As the saying goes: Every beginning is difficult.

That also applies here.

Because breaking the silence is probably the step you're most worried about.

Maybe you are afraid of disturbing your colleagues if you speak to them.

Or that you are a burden to them.

You may also worry that they will think negatively of you.

You may also not be able to think of a way to start a conversation.

Whatever you torment yourself with, your doubts ultimately lead to the opportunity to get to know each other slipping away again and again.

Don't make it too difficult for yourself: the fewer hurdles you set up, the more likely you will be able to take the first step and address your colleagues.

The good news: Opportunities to turn strangers into acquaintances are everywhere, all the time.

Do you work in an office with an open-table model where employees can decide for themselves where they sit?
Try to stay near high-traffic areas such as entrances, meeting rooms, kitchens and washrooms.
This makes it easier for you to make eye contact, smile at someone and say “hello” or “good morning” – and start building relationships.
Are you invited to a meeting, happy hour or event?
Try to arrive a few minutes early.
Stand or sit next to a stranger.
If he doesn't seem preoccupied, consider making eye contact, shaking his hand, and saying, "Hello, I don't think we've met yet.
I am _______.
I am glad to meet you!"
Have you just finished a meeting?
Overcome the urge to immediately run and barricade yourself in your workplace.
Instead, approach someone and say, "I'm _____," followed by "I found your comment about _____ really helpful."
Are you traveling for work?
Try asking, “Does anyone want a ride?” and use the time in the carpool to strike up a conversation.
Do you have some time before you come to the office?
Send a colleague you only know from virtual meetings a message that says, for example: “I’m coming to the office tomorrow.
I would like to finally meet you in person, if you are there too!

Step 2: Turn a “Hello” into a “Hello Again”

Doing something for the first time is always uncomfortable.

The second time is much easier.

If you've said "Hello" to a stranger, you've already completed the most unpleasant step.

You will see: When you see him again, it will be much easier for you to greet him and speak to him.

You should use this chance to turn acquaintances into allies.

Do you have a moment when you return to your computer?
Then write your new acquaintance an email.
Something like this: “Thank you for the entertaining conversation.
It's nice that we're both _______.
I look forward to our paths crossing again and hopefully we can work together soon.”
Do you see someone you know again in the hallway?
Smile, say "Hello again!", and then expand on what you discussed, such as "How was the wedding?" or "How did the presentation go?"
Do you see your well-known colleagues in a group conversation?
Send him or her a message afterwards with a “nice to see you again” or, if things didn’t go well, a few words of encouragement.
Did you come across information that might be relevant to the other person?
Forward the website, email, podcast, video, article, or white paper with a “I just came across this and was reminded of our conversation about _______.”
Have you found an offer that might interest your friend?
Share it with a “I was invited to this event and I was thinking of you.
Take a look if you’re interested.”
Do you meet two people who could help each other?
Offer an introduction by saying, “Do you already know _____?
She is also _____.
Let me know if you want me to make contact and I can ask her if she’s interested.”

Step 3: Turn “Hello Again” into “Let’s Talk”

Most people you meet professionally will only remain acquaintances.

This is completely natural.

After all, we only have a certain number of hours in a day and limited capacity to nurture relationships.

But when we meet people who are a few steps ahead of us in life and are happy to pass on their knowledge, we have the opportunity to learn from them and their mistakes - and avoid them.

Here are four ways to turn acquaintances into mentors:

Do you need a second opinion?
Ask for your mentor's opinion by saying, "I'm working on _____ and would like to hear your opinion on ___ since you are the expert on _____."
Not sure which path to take?
Ask for advice by saying, “I'm working on _____ and would appreciate your advice on _____.
Would you perhaps have a few minutes to chat?”
Are you interested in following a similar path to your mentor?
Try asking about his story by saying, “I would like to follow in your footsteps because _______.
Would you perhaps have a few minutes to chat?
I can be reached at the following times..."
Are you working on a project that overlaps with your mentor's interests and expertise?
Ask for their cooperation by saying, “I’m looking for a counselor for _______.
I immediately thought of you.”

Step 4: Turn “Let’s talk” into “Let’s build a relationship.”

Some people you meet become “mentors” who give you advice.

Others become “sponsors” who open doors for you.

Such a person has the power to invite you to closed-door meetings, involve you in high-profile projects, and even lobby for your promotion.

Do you meet someone in management who seems interested in you and your career?

First, try communicating your goals to him or her.
For example: “When I think about where I want to be in five years, I would like to _______.
What do you advise me to start doing, stop doing, and continue doing to achieve such a goal?”
Write down what progress you have already made.
For example: “I just had my performance review and wanted to let you know that it turned out exactly as we had hoped and discussed.
My manager told me _____.
For the next quarter, I plan to achieve ___.
You don’t need to respond – I just wanted to update you and thank you for _____.”
Along the way, try to describe some of your problems too.
For example: “I've been thinking about _______ and feel like I could have done it better.
How do you assess this – and what would you do differently if you were me?”

As the son of a single mother with a migrant background who spent her career in a sewing factory, I was always told: keep calm and let your hard work speak for you.

After seeing the differences between professionals who have built fulfilling careers and professionals who stumble without knowing why, my perspective has changed: In the corporate world, doing your job is just part of the job complete.

The rest is about being seen, heard and known - none of this happens without strong relationships.

While not every contact you make will lead to a long-term relationship, at least you'll have another friendly face the next time you meet, another person to discuss ideas with, and another person to turn to you can contact if you need help.

Make your next visit to the office more than just a ride.

Career: How to build better relationships at work

Step 1: Break the silence

Step 2: Turn a “Hello” into a “Hello Again”

Step 3: Turn “Hello Again” into “Let’s Talk”

Step 4: Turn “Let’s talk” into “Let’s build a relationship.”

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