Training "Good Dads"
Gender scholar Fang Gang released the recruitment information, preparing to restart the "Men's Durban", hoping to promote men's participation in the family, workplace and other areas that touch gender equality.
Before the second child was about to come into this world, 40-year-old Yang Yong decided to go to the "Male Durban".
When Yang Yong heard the word "masculine virtue" for the first time, his feeling was - "particularly disgusted".
"There used to be a female Durban who made demands on women's words and deeds. I wonder if the male Durban taught men to be masculine and must suppress their emotions."
The education method Yang Yong experienced when he was a child was "boys are not allowed to cry" and "be brave to take responsibility". This kind of experience made him extremely painful, even depressed and alienated from his father.
In the process of raising his first child, he found that when he communicated with the child, he carried the shadow of his father, "asking him not to cry for injections, and not to cry when a man falls."
Now, he wants to learn another way of educating children.
In September this year, Fang Gang, a doctor of sociology at Renmin University of China and a gender scholar, posted recruitment information on his official account, planning to restart the "Men's Durban".
In 2015, Fang Gang once held a "Men's Durban", but the effect was not satisfactory. There were only two people from the society who really took the initiative to participate.
"We collected nearly 300 media reports afterwards, many of which were negative and regarded us as objects of ridicule."
"Choosing this name is a sensationalist", "Does it need to be taught to be a man?" "Excessive emphasis on gender differences will cause many problems in itself"... This time, "Male Durban" still faces many controversies.
Change the way of educating children
In the enrollment brochure of the "Men's Durban Class", Yang Yong discovered that the full name of this class is "Good Companion and Good Father: Fully Participating Men's Workshop".
Fang Gang, the founder, explained, “We hope to promote men’s participation through Men’s Durban, to take on the responsibilities of family, workplace and other fields that touch gender equality, including fighting gender violence, taking on housework, raising children, and some things that are traditionally considered to belong to the domain of women. "
Yang Yong works as a psychological counselor in Chengdu. In order to better provide family and intimate relationship counseling, in 2019, he participated in the empowerment sex education lecturer training class taught by Fang Gang.
When he heard that "masculinity" is a kind of masculinity, and thousands of men cannot be judged by one standard, Yang Yong couldn't help thinking about his relationship with his father, "The sword is on the verge of breaking out, and the smell of gunpowder is particularly strong." .
The image of his father in his heart is that he does things vigorously, says what he says, does not back down, and never expresses his fragility. "After I studied psychology, I realized that everyone has emotions, but my father put them in his heart. Obliterated."
Yang Yong often shares a story with his friends. When he was in elementary school, he would occasionally stay in bed and not want to go to school, and his father would force him to get up and sing the national anthem.
Another scene he kept in his mind was a time when his elder brother failed the exam. When his father heard about it, he quickly picked up his elder brother like a chicken, and "thrown" him directly into the Pearl River in front of his house.
These things allowed Yang Yong to master the rules of survival in front of his father and maintain a "very good" image.
But in high school, Yang Yong became depressed. "I was afraid that my life would be dominated by others. My life had already been planned, so it was meaningless."
The majors Yang Yong and his elder brother chose to study in university were also planned by their father-to become a doctor just like his father.
Yang Yong wanted to refuse, but he didn't dare to resist his father. In the end, he chose to study psychology in a medical school.
"I now realize that my father was demanding of us and himself according to a dominant masculinity that hurt my relationship with my father."
After Yang Yong's first child was born, he found that when he communicated with the child, he carried the shadow of his father, "I asked him not to cry for an injection, and a man should not cry when he fell."
Now, the second child is about to be born, and he wants to learn another way of educating children, "I want to try educating children under the concept of 'male participation', what different experiences and feelings will he have when he grows up .Maybe, when he falls again, I will tell the child that it's okay to cry."
"Men also need to make some changes"
"I'm really busy at work, much busier than my wife. We each have a division of labor. She does more housework and I make more money. Isn't that harmonious? Why can I be considered equal if I do housework?" This is " One of the nine questions that Fang Gang raised in advance during the second training session of "Male Durban".
The class is mainly based on Fang Gang's narration and students' discussions, and the course is conducted online.
"In the future, when it comes to infant care technology, professionals will be invited to teach." Fang Gang said that the currently recruited students are all people who have a certain psychological foundation or have a certain understanding of sex and gender knowledge.
After completing the three-month training, the trainees will become the new batch of male morality teachers. In 2023, they will go to various places to recruit from the general public and train more trainees in the form of group counseling.
The content of the "Men's Durban" is mainly based on the "Full Participation Good Men's Group Assistant Manual" written by Fang Gang, including "recognizing and challenging social gender stereotypes", "reflecting on the damage of 'manly manliness'", "doing housework and taking care of family members". ability", "infant care technology", "causes and interventions of domestic violence", "art of getting along with adolescents and children", etc.
Yang Yong found that most of the students who participated in the men's German class this time had participated in the empowerment-oriented sex education lecturer training class. There were professional psychological counselors, people in the "sex education" industry, and primary and secondary school teachers.
When answering the question about the family, Yang Yong mentioned his mother, "Going out to work and earn money, without relying on my father." "She can negotiate business with men, and she is not weaker than men."
But Yang Yong said that his mother still has to do housework after returning home, sometimes until the early hours of the morning.
"At that time, I didn't understand why my mother worked so hard, and she had to work and take care of the family." Some elders discussed, "saying that she doesn't look like a woman", and suggested that she should not go out to work and take care of the children at home.
Yang Yong also has a friend's mother who runs a hotel and does business, but the friend's father uses domestic violence to let her return to the family.
Since the fourth and fifth grades of elementary school, Yang Yong began to help his mother with housework, and some elders around him said that this is what girls do, and boys should not do these things.
After starting a family, Yang Yong took on more housework and childcare responsibilities.
"Women are few at the top of the workplace. You can't blame women. Whoever does a good job will be promoted. Why not let women be promoted? Isn't this sexist?" When discussing this issue, Yang Yong added, " This is also caused by gender stereotypes in society, thinking that if women have a higher position in the workplace, it is not conducive to their contribution to the family."
In the consultation on family or divorce issues that Yang Yong took over, he found that in recent years, there have been more cases of men wanting their wives to return to the family. "Even when the wife proposes a divorce, the husband will think that it is because the wife has gone out to work and has gone bad." .”
In the past, Yang Yong was influenced by traditional gender concepts, and would persuade women not to be too strong, but to be gentle.
Now he will let both sides present the problem, "Nowadays many women are changing, pursuing their own careers, and having self-awareness, men also need to make some changes."
But in Yang Yong's family, after the child was born, new problems emerged.
He tried to find time to pick up and drop off the children, and took on some family responsibilities of raising children.
He has also seen scenes of some men around him taking children, playing with mobile phones and watching TV, and letting the children play alone beside them.
In the past, Yang Yong felt that he was better than them, but after understanding the concept of "male participation", Yang Yong felt that he was using an excuse to work and not to accompany his children, "I was also affected by the dominant masculinity, thinking Men must be successful, and their careers come first, but they ignore that doing so will affect the parent-child relationship.”
The first step of the change is to drop the unnecessary "entertainment" and go back at night to listen to the children about what happened at school today.
The way of communication is also changing. In the past, he would often reject the child "of course", "No, I'm going to work".
Now, when he can't be with his children because of work, he will tell him why he can't be with him, and he will also propose another time to be with him.
Yang Yong found that his son's attitude has also changed from a look of grievance in the past to an understanding and tolerance now.
imprisoned male
Fang Gang is 54 years old this year. On the day he was interviewed by a reporter from the Beijing News, he was wearing a suit jacket like the one on the "Male Durban" promotional poster. Time has made his hairline recede a bit, but his face is clean and fair, and his eyes are piercing. .
A student recalled that the first time she saw Fang Gang was at a lecture hosted by a psychological institution. Fang Gang was the lecturer. The impression she had of him was that he was tall and tall, but his movements and words were very gentle. neutral temperament".
Fang Gang once showed a photo of himself when he was young in a video speech. The boy in the photo was thin and quiet.
According to Fang Gang’s own analysis, the man in the photo does not meet the mainstream, dominant, and masculine male standards that people usually think of. “When I was young, no one called me a ‘little fresh meat’. 'Sissy'." He still remembers that when he was criticized in elementary school, he cried, and the teacher forbade him to cry, saying that he was like an "embroidered pillow".
And because his father passed away when he was three years old, he was weak and became the target of bullying.
In his twenties, Fang Gang read gender-related research works for the first time, "I was ignited and excited." He felt that he was called a "sissy" since he was a child, and like most women, he was called "sissy". A group oppressed by patriarchy.
"When a man doesn't conform to the demands of mainstream masculinity, that man is at the bottom of the gender machinery."
That afternoon, he rode his bicycle through the hot streets of Beijing for three hours, wanting to go to different bookstores to buy more books on gender studies.
It was 1997, two years after the Fourth World Conference on Women was held in Beijing, and books related to gender studies had just entered China.
From then on, Fang Gang began to think about whether to engage in gender-related research, "I think it is about human rights and equality."
He contacted Pan Suiming, who was teaching at Renmin University of China at the time, and was mainly engaged in the research of sexual sociology and gender anthropology. The latter was known as "the first person in Chinese sexology".
In 2002, Fang Gang was admitted as a graduate student of Pan Suiming.
Among the trainees who participated in the training, 28-year-old Xie Qian was the youngest one. In his memory, he was also called "sissy". Men, at the same time demeaning women."
Another stigmatized discourse is "not like a man". "Men are particularly worried about being said that they are not a man, but the standard of 'man' is actually very high." Xie Qian knew a fitness trainer. White and thin, he felt so lacking in masculinity "that he made up for it by working as a fitness trainer to look 'more manly'."
In 2010, after graduating with a Ph.D., Fang just started to teach in a university, but he didn’t want to just do academic research, and set himself an ideal goal: “Academic research serves to transform society, promoting sexual human rights through sex research, and promoting sexual human rights through gender research. Promote gender equality campaigns, especially for men".
After that, Fang Gang plans to do an innovative activity to promote gender equality every year.
In 2015, he initiated recruitment on his Weibo, preparing to start the "Men's Durban".
But the effect was not satisfactory. There were only two people from the society who really took the initiative to participate.
"We collected nearly 300 media reports afterwards, many of which were negative and regarded us as objects of ridicule."
Can it be changed?
Before the opening of male Durban in 2015, when Fang Gang proposed "male participation" in China, he was questioned by some female scholars engaged in gender research, "Men are the beneficiaries of the patriarchal system, how can they stand up against it?" Fang Gang The author wrote in response, "While benefiting, we are also being victimized. What oppresses us is patriarchal culture, not male individuals. Masculinity has two sides."
After the failure of the first male Durban, Fang Gang has not given up on promoting "male participation" in China. He has published several books on "male participation", "the sales are not very good", and he has also tried to use live broadcasts and other forms to promote " The concept of "male participation", but few viewers.
Seven years later, Fang Gang discovered that "more and more people are discussing the issue of men's participation in family life." He opened the "Men's Durban" again, still using the name "Nan De".
On September 15th, Fang Gang released information on the Internet to openly recruit "men's Durban leaders". In the end, a total of 19 groups of members signed up. Three groups from Shenzhen, Shanghai, and Chengdu passed the selection. Sponsored regular trainees.
As a student of this class, Yang Yong will become a teacher of the "Men's German Class" in Chengdu next year.
He once jokingly mentioned to the people around him, do you want to come to the male Durban?
When the other party heard the content of the class about how to be a good husband and father, the reply was "do I still need to learn this?"
What effect will "Male Durban" have on the participants?
Yang Yong heard the story of Wei Ming, a member of the first male Durban. Wei Ming was a family abuser. After his wife divorced him, Wei Ming said, "I don't want to hurt others anymore, and I don't want my children to be like that in the future." He is the same", dialed the White Ribbon Anti-Domestic Violence Hotline, and also participated in the 2015 "Male Durban".
"Now, Wei Ming is learning to be a good father." Yang Yong said.
When he came into contact with the concept of "masculinity", Yang Yong could not accept the "fancy clothes", "love to dress up" and "speak softly" in "masculinity", which he defined as "sissy", " I don’t say anything out of my mouth, but I still have bad comments about these people in my heart.”
"Not only is responsibility, control, and domineering masculinity, but femininity and easy-going are also masculinity. What we oppose is to only use dominant masculinity as the standard and deny other diverse masculinities. This is a kind of harm to men. "Fang Gang said in class.
This is a point of view that Yang Yong has never heard before. When he was growing up, his father often said, "You are a man, this is what you should do." Too strong, too capable, I don't feel like a woman." Yang Yong said.
Yang Yong also used "gender labels" to restrain his son, buy clothes that look "masculine", and play with pistols, airplanes, and trains.
Now, he tries not to restrain his son.
My son would sometimes say which movie star is a "mother" or that a certain boy in school walks like a "mother". After hearing this, Yang Yong would tell him that this is a sign of disrespect for others.
"In the past, I would attribute many problems to the differences between men and women. For example, men should take on more responsibilities, and women should do housework. Now, putting aside the concept of gender, I realize that the world is diverse. It is rich and colorful, and everyone has the right to make a variety of free choices." Yang Yong hoped that when raising his second child, he would respect him instead of controlling him, "let him live a happy life." Be more like yourself."
For Yang Yong, everything is still learning.
On "Male Durban," he reflects on why his relationship with his father is so bad.
As a psychological counselor, he has heard many people talk about it, but he is unwilling to talk about it.
He began to participate in some psychological groups to "expose himself and analyze himself".
In the third "Men's German Class" class, Yang Yong told the story of himself and his father.
The "dominant masculinity" still affects Yang Yong. He hardly shed tears in the past. Speaking of a movie "Call Me No. Strange sound "like a dog".
The protagonist's father couldn't understand him, and would scold the boy loudly every time he fell ill.
But his mother has always tolerated and supported him, and later met a principal who tolerated him, so the protagonist wants to become a teacher who loves students like the principal.
Yang Yong was touched, "I feel that I lack a father who understands me just like him." At that time, Yang Yong wanted to cry and subconsciously controlled himself.
But he immediately realized that he was being influenced by gender culture, and the next second, he let his tears fall.
(Yang Yong and Wei Ming are pseudonyms in the text)
Beijing News reporter Chen Yajie