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They look at me funny. Yes, couples who come to couples therapy, requesting the activation of their desire, are usually surprised when I invite them to schedule sexual encounters between them. "But if that's something you can't force," they argue. "Of course," I reply, "never force, but you can provide the appropriate circumstances for the encounter," I inform them. "Because if you do not organize, you will think that fate will offer you the ideal moment, but it never comes. How long have you been waiting for him?", and that's when they agree with me, and they try it. Basically because they have no choice.

The reality is that the spontaneous also arises. Perhaps for some issue that goes unnoticed, but things happen so that the desire is activated and we want to express it sexually, alone or in company, either sporadic or with a partner of variable travel. Becoming aware that there is a work prior to the activation of desire and that, therefore, we can build it, invites us to adapt our sexual encounters according to our needs and not abandon ourselves, because what is not used atrophies. You may think it's about controlling desire, but it's not about control, it's about mindfulsex®, sexual mindfulness, or conscious sexuality. To own your sexuality, your pleasure and your actions.

A MATTER OF ORGANIZING

Sarah Jessica Parker and Chris Noth in the film 'Sex and the City 2' (2010).

I understand that you have ever planned, for example, the gift you will give someone, how to organize your work, household chores or what you buy to eat healthily each day. You're also likely to plan your vacation to coincide with your friends or family. And you will have traveled; Maybe you organized the flights, what you put in your suitcase, the visits to museums and monuments, even where to eat and what you can not miss about your destination. Maybe you also travel without planning anything and buy the first flight you see, without knowing when you will return or what to do there, but plans would already arise, on the fly.

Sure the experience is different but: did you come back satisfied from both trips? Did planning it discourage you or did it increase the desire to know that place? Maybe both formats went well, or not. Do you think the result was due exclusively to the presence or absence of prior planning?

DOES SPONTANEITY SATISFY MORE?

As for sex and love, popular belief tends to hold the idea that things arise or not, that spontaneity is better, more passionate, more genuine, or more satisfying. This is largely the fault of romantic novels and movies (remember that in action sometimes there are also 'crushes', but those who fall in love). And children's stories or movies have also sown that idea that love appears suddenly, being a fortuitous act in which we have little control, or nothing. But that's not the case. What we are not is aware of our power to make desire and love build, increase or die.

But it is not my thing, because science has shown what we already knew and applied in consultation couples therapists. Planning it can be as real, satisfying, and fiery as any spontaneous sexual encounter.

According to psychological research conducted at the Faculty of Health at the University of York (UK), sexual encounters can be as passionate, sexy and satisfying as sex that simply happens.

WHAT THE STUDIES SAY

In this research, published in the Journal of Sex Research, Kovacevic, her supervisor, York University psychology professor Amy Muise, and colleagues conducted two studies. They found that there was no difference as to how satisfying a sexual encounter was, based on whether it was planned or happened spontaneously, regardless of people's beliefs.

But it is true that when it comes to asking or talking about sexuality with the couple, "only five out of 10 feel totally comfortable andexplaining to their partners what they want in their relationships and sex," according to a report by Bumble, the dating application where women take the first step, and Platanomelón, brand focused on intimate well-being, which analyzes 'communication in relationships and sex' through the Ipsos Digital platform with a sample of 1000 Spaniards.

In addition, there is little proactivity or knowledge to propose and schedule intimate meetings with the couple. According to the results, "one in three need their partner to ask them to express what they really want and more than 25% admit that they need more tools and ways to feel comfortable having this conversation," the study determines.

LACK OF COMMUNICATION

In relation to how social models, the Myth of Romantic Love and its beliefs associated with sexual practice, desire or relationships affect us, "21% of Spaniards feel overwhelmed with expectations around sex, which are determined, for the most part, by fiction".

Psychotherapist Katarina Kovacevic, who specialises in romantic relationships and sexual problems, a PhD student at York's Sexual Health and Relationship Lab, also believes that this "is due to what we see in the films, but the funny thing is that there is planning in those scenes: a whole production team is there, the actors memorize their lines". Even so, we do not take it into account in our affective and sexual relationships.

Although "98% of Spaniards agree that communication is key in a relationship", according to the aforementioned study, there is still resistance to organize sexually to coincide with the couple, plan sex or work as a sexual team; until an expert proposes it in consultation. But what we need "It's not magic, it's communication," Bumble and Platanomelón say.

But what happens when they decide to do it is the key to success in couples therapy and in any sentimental and intimate relationship, improving all aspects related to it. And once you know all that, when are you left?

ANA SIERRA* is a psychologist and sexologist.

  • Sex
  • Psychology
  • HBPR

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