How to manage guilt so that it helps us to move forward and not to crush our lives

"Nobody apologizes in 2022. As if in the last 20 years people had become allergic to the histamines of forgiveness and immune to the ardor of remorse. They have disappeared from our lives," says Silvia Nieto in her article "Apologizing in 2022 Why has it stopped being done and why relearn to practice it".

It must be so out of date that the journalist Shane Watson was encouraged to write a

called 'The rules of apologizing brought up to date' in the British newspaper Telegraph after its former prime minister Liz Tuss said goodbye to the charge with a 'low cost' pardon (admit the error, but followed by a justification for your conduct)

I didn't know apologizing was a 'vintage' activity.

It is seen that the former British politician, the ex-king of the country or the unfaithful ex-boyfriend of a famous woman did not know either.

They publicly apologized, but they are still in their "ex" outfit with the "we don't forgive you" label.

If this is

, it is worth going deeper and questioning whether the feeling of guilt -which underlies all apologies- is already an old emotional glory and if the behavior of taking responsibility is not 'fashion'.

Guilt Promotes Self-Evaluation

Guilt is the emotion of self-evaluation based on the

(thinking about who I am).

Thanks to this feeling we can assess our actions as correct or incorrect based on our own values ​​and those of the society in which we live.

It reminds us that we can do harm and encourages us to rectify the wrong act.

It always accompanies us because it

.

It is a mixture of

directed at ourselves for not having done things as we should,

for having caused pain, and

if we repair the damage.

We do not have it from birth, we are forging it from childhood (between the ages of three and six) so it differs a lot from one person to another and has strong cultural connotations.

Thus, what is wrong for some is not for others.

Some annul guilt, as is the case with the Dark Triad

(psychopaths, narcissists, Machiavellians), profiles called zero empathy unable to feel the other, the antisocial who does not fear punishment or the immature who only sees the straw in the eye of others.

In others it can run amok and become hyper-responsibility and insecurity, like the perfectionist or the lack of self-esteem: no matter how much they do, make an effort, value them, achieve goals, it is never enough, something is always missing.

The images of the brain show that different areas are activated if we observe an inappropriate action for which we are not responsible or for which we are.

As G. Nardone, F. Cagnoni, R. Milanese point out in their article 'Emotional Acrobatics', when guilty anger is directed towards oneself it has two faces:

, terms that are confused in everyday life, but are very different when it comes to treating them.

Remorse

, that is, we feel pain for the damage caused to other people in the past.

It is the little voice that indicates that you have transgressed one of your values ​​or social norm.

"You shouldn't have done it," she says.

It is an uncomfortable emotion as a companion on the road because it refers to choices that you cannot change.

(the final destination of all guilt).

Working mothers who say they are not enough with their children, separated parents guilty of not seeing them every day, unfaithful people who know they have done harm, friends who left when they were needed.

The catalog is very extensive.

David feels guilty for having moved to his wife's country because she wanted to take care of his sick mother.

With the mother-in-law dead, the woman does not want to return and he feels guilty for depriving her son of his paternal roots.

He has become guilty in the attempt to avoid guilt.

Regret

, which we direct against ourselves, for not having managed to be, do or have what we should and this has consequences in the future.

Here are included the entire list of desires and expectations without a happy ending.

Is booming.

Before they punished us for our actions, now they penalize us more for what we are not going to become (but we should).

It is also an emotion of growth because it tells us about our own limits.

Children who feel that they do not meet the expectations of their parents, unsatisfied couples, unfinished studies, perfect boyfriends from the past, women who yearned for a professional future, job changes, having children or more children, victims of aggression who blame themselves for not having reacted .

The result is a feeling of not being adequate, of

that accompanies us daily as the little voice indicates that something was unfinished, incomplete, not achieved.

A true duel.

guilt seeks punishment

Guilt, in its two versions,

continues to exist in the s.

XXI.

Many times, the two culpability coexist in the same case.

Like some infidel who regrets the damage caused to his partner, but if he abandons his conduct, he believes that he loses his longed for freedom.

He will not be happy anywhere.

It must not be forgotten that

.

You can find your outlet in some inexplicable somatization (tell me what pain you have and I'll tell you what you blame yourself for) or in some unconscious sabotage, like Luis, my advertising patient, sick with guilt in his "I don't deserve" format that the day he was going to presenting his big publicity campaign, he left the important documentation in the taxi.

It used to be believed that the guilt of the past was more difficult to eliminate, however,

.

Suddenly, the child I didn't have or the job change I didn't accept becomes a swell that runs through my day to day without respite.

The worst is the feeling of bitterness, the emotion that arises from sadness and anger at the same time when you cannot forgive yourself.

Now, the wound to our self-esteem is deeper if we come across our shortcomings than with our own failures.

For this reason, since it hurts, we often

: not admitting guilt for fear of punishment;

blame everyone;

avoid confronting the subject;

be especially solicitous with the aggrieved;

justify oneself;

minimize what happened;

use jokes to get out of trouble;

deny what happened;

play dumb and even generate projective aggression against the victim, etc.

What a punishment to live covering up!

Today, guilt has mutated and

and would have changed our future.

Society does not admit 'failure'.

That's why we don't pardon so easily for the prime minister, the ex-king, and the perfect cheating ex-fiancé either.

For what they symbolize, the trust placed in them that they have defrauded.

We can accept her mistake, but

.

How to get rid of anger and pain

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ISR

Guilt produces

We can only do so if there are changes in our behavior.

Rationalizing does not work, because understanding does not mean changing.

Being told that you have many good things behind can aggravate the feeling of discomfort.

Nor does it help to ruminate on your faults.

Since guilt is a mixed emotion made up of anger and sadness, you have to let the former out first.

For

it is best to write a

.

A previous step could be to train with a good friend about what you would say to the injured party.

For

I propose the

: look at yourself and talk to yourself in a self-pitying way with the intention of rectifying.

Until the anger has been released, one is not prepared for forgiveness, because only at that moment what is underneath, the pain, emerges.

Unlike anger,

: everyone asks for it, but it is not possible.

It is a dark tunnel, from which sooner or later you can get out, but you have to go through it.

We ask patients to chronicle the disasters committed.

Narration helps mitigate it.

Then, they should look for activities that help to repair the damage, such as joining a support organization or granting themselves the relief of new well-being that may have been forgotten.

Isabel Serrano-Rosa

is a psychologist and director of EnPositivoSí.

According to the criteria of The Trust Project

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