The topic "How to package yourself in front of relatives during the Chinese New Year" has become a hot search——
Psychological experts teach you how to chat with high emotional intelligence
The Spring Festival is coming soon. For many young people, going home to celebrate the New Year is both looking forward to it and fearing that they will be disappointed. Many psychological dramas have already taken place before they return home. Entanglements, conflicts and other minor emotions have also arisen, and even "How to package yourself in front of relatives during the Chinese New Year" has become a hot search.
Although some netizens joked that "when you go out, you give your identity to yourself", but how to "package" yourself into a person with high emotional intelligence, you can take a look at the advice of psychological experts. The reporter interviewed Chen Zhilin, a doctor of psychology from University College London and a chartered counseling psychologist of the British Psychological Society.
1 Frequently faced with pressure to get married and have children, and even feel "guilty" Suggestion: Show your growth and develop empathy with your parents
Sometimes, even if relatives do not have any ill intentions, it is a very bad experience to be frequently urged to get married and have children. And it will also make parents feel guilty. After all, parents always have expectations for their children. Even if they don't say it, the children know in their hearts that when they fail to achieve their goals, they will feel guilty towards their parents.
Chen Zhilin said that when an adult faces a major turning point in life, it is normal to have an escape mentality. At the same time, in addition to appropriate guilt, people also have "wrong guilt".
"False guilt" means that you feel guilty when you shouldn't feel guilty. Psychologist Susan once made this analogy: This situation is like a car alarm. It is supposed to prevent thieves, but due to some properties of the sensor, passing pedestrians, dogs, and passing trucks will also It sounds an alarm.
"False guilt" works pretty much the same. Everyone has a guilt sensor in their heart. As long as they receive certain signals from others, they will feel guilty, regardless of whether they have actually caused harm to others. Susan points out that "false guilt" actually has nothing to do with hurting others, but everything to do with our belief that we have hurt others.
"False guilt" is more likely to appear in close relationships, because people are more likely to be rational with strangers, but more subjective and emotional with people close to them. Most of us unconsciously take responsibility for ourselves when we see someone we care about unhappy.
Therefore, when facing the urge to get married or have a baby, Chen Zhilin suggests that there are two important things to do:
One is that parents are often "uneasy" and "worried", which includes distrust of their children's abilities. Therefore, you should let your parents see that you have grown up and have a mature enough personality and ability to plan and manage your own life.
The other is to understand why parents do what they do and think what they do, which is to develop empathy with their parents. Not only do you need to understand your parents, but you also need to tell your parents how you understand them. So when your parents talk about urging marriage, if you still act coquettishly, resist, and be hostile like you did when you were a student, it will be ineffective.
Chen Zhilin suggested that you should first empathize with your parents' mental journey behind urging marriage and children, and then talk to your parents about your own ideas and plans, such as "Yes, yes, I am also very anxious, but I just can't find it." Feedback is "empathetic communication" and can easily resolve conflicts.
At the same time, you can also show your vulnerability and helplessness, such as "It's not that I don't want to get married, but it's just that it's too hard to find a suitable partner now." Showing some vulnerability at the right time is also an effective way to draw closer relationships.
Chen Zhilin said that it is unrealistic to expect parents not to push. Family members love each other in the way they think is "good". This is something they have been doing since they became family members. It does not happen overnight. We need to treat it with a normal mind.
2 Highly sensitive people are prone to "defensive listening" in response to normal care. Suggestion: Understand your own sensitive points and improve your psychological quality.
Netizens often say that when chatting with relatives and friends, they are asked about very personal life situations - how is work? Is the income okay? Whether to buy a house or not, etc., I feel offended. Regarding this phenomenon, Chen Zhilin said that netizens who feel this way may be "highly sensitive groups" or "low self-worth groups", and they are prone to "defensive listening."
Chen Zhilin said that relatives who visit once a year are inevitably a bit unfamiliar. Sometimes relatives and friends ask about their living conditions in good faith, or even to start a conversation, but they can also be interpreted as "defensive listening" as "there is something in the words." Although defensive listening is an instinctive form of self-protection, it is also a huge killer of relationships because it can cause a lot of harm.
When chatting during the Spring Festival, if you notice that you are in the following states, you may fall into "defensive listening": for example, trying to find out which parts of the other party's words are blaming you, and which parts are hurtful to you, or you always feel that the other party is There seems to be something in the words, there seems to be a "subtext" behind it, etc.
Chen Zhilin said that in fact, when entering "defensive listening", the focus is no longer on the content of the communication itself, but becomes vigilance word for word to identify the attacks made by the other party and the damage caused, etc.
Defensive listening usually occurs in "highly sensitive groups" and "low self-worth groups." Highly sensitive groups are overly sensitive to external information, easily feel attacked, and even over-interpret other people's words. Groups with a low sense of self-worth are prone to self-denial, are highly sensitive to other people's words, and are afraid of receiving more criticism, so they are in a defensive state.
If you realize that you may be "listening defensively," you might as well remind yourself to consciously focus on the objective facts in the other person's words, rather than the judgmental parts. Although it's not easy, it can be a habit with deliberate practice. Also, avoid using offensive terms when interacting with the other party. In addition, we should also reflect deeply on ourselves, understand our own sensitive points, strive to improve our psychological quality, and enhance our ability to cope with setbacks.
3 The Spring Festival has not yet arrived, and “New Year’s phobia” has arrived first. Suggestion: Learn to understand while protecting the boundaries.
What is certain is that most people will encounter various "concerns" during the Chinese New Year, and how to respond appropriately to these concerns is really confusing.
Chen Zhilin said that this is actually a kind of "New Year phobia". However, it is not a social phobia in the true sense, but a kind of anxiety. "New Year's Eve phobia" does exist in our lives and is attracting more and more attention.
"We need to recognize the nature of our anxiety. Anxiety and daydreams have no meaning. Only if we work hard to improve our cognition and change our behavioral habits can most problems be solved." Chen Zhilin said that we can first establish some cognition. Relieve anxiety in advance.
Real communication is not about saying only the "good" things and covering up the "bad" things. Effective communication means communicating candidly, expressing the true thoughts in one's heart, resolving doubts and suspicions in each other's hearts, and reaching new understanding and consensus.
For example, learn to protect your boundaries. If you are "forced" by relatives and friends in various ways during the Spring Festival, you might as well let yourself smile and remain silent is one of the solutions. After all, the person involved has not picked up the topic, and others may be embarrassed to continue talking.
In addition, if a relative makes you unhappy, you can also appropriately convey your feelings to the other person. You can clearly tell "I don't like you doing this" and "this sentence will offend me." However, it should be noted that you may be ignored in the process of communicating these ideas, and it is difficult to obtain timely and positive results.
At the same time, we must also learn to understand. Chen Zhilin said that old people often say that when you visit relatives, you visit relatives. Relative relationships only become closer as you walk. Maybe those barrage of questions that make you resist, maybe they just want to break the deadlock and save a distant "family relationship" that is about to disappear, which is the warmth of their older generation.
In addition, avoid blind comparison and maintain an optimistic attitude. Spring Festival anxiety, in addition to the pressure caused by the external environment, also partly comes from our hearts.
As for how to package yourself as mentioned by netizens, it is actually to become a person with high emotional intelligence. Chen Zhilin said that there is a particularly useful psychological point, which is to be sweet-mouthed. If you say more nice things, everyone will be happier and relationships will be easier to get along with.
When a family gathers together, appreciation and gratitude are not only recognition and nourishment for the person involved, but also provide a positive example for other members of the family - an expression of gratitude to the eldest elder. Thank you, thank you for the care you have received from him since childhood; you can also mention the proudest or most difficult past events of your elders again to express your sincere admiration and appreciation; if you are bringing your partner or children home, you can In front of everyone, happily "sprinkle a handful of dog food" and thank your partner and children. This not only warms your small family, but also reassures the anxious elders - you see, we are doing well. .
Yangzi Evening News/Ziniu News reporter Kong Xiaoping