Sex and desire: why more than half of young women have had intercourse without desire

• Healthy life The taboo surrounding the female orgasm: "It is quite common not to reach it only with penetration"

• Couple When sex intimidates

• Forum Education, the path to equality

At least 57.7% of young Spanish women have at some time had sexual relations "without desire" with the intention of "pleasuring", or as a "sacrifice" towards the other person, according to a study carried out by Sigma Dos for the

.

The survey, which addressed sexual and reproductive rights issues for young women, asked 1,500 women between the ages of 18 and 25 and was published in early October.

The data does not go unnoticed.

Some consider it a surprising (and bitter) photograph in 2022, showing women still anchored to male desire.

There are also those who trivialize it under the omnibus phrase of

.

In statements collected by Europa Press,

, director of the Women's Institute, considers that this figure shows "how it continues to perpetuate that one's

is considered a secondary element", as opposed to the "idea of ​​availability in the face of the desire of the other".

In the survey, while they admit that it sounds as anachronistic as 'comply', they also

such as that the man is the one who should take the initiative in sexual relations (60%), that they feel more desire than they (76%) or that

(77%).

Sex to 'feel that we are not bad'

We asked Lara Castro-Grañén, psychologist and sexologist, director of Placer ConSentido, collaborator of

and author of the book 'SexFaqs: What adolescents do ask'

What does this mean for the new generations?

Isn't 'sex to fulfill' something we have associated with the past?

Too often, we continue to find very stereotyped patterns in the experience of sexuality.

The reason is basically the lack of quality sex education that still exists today.

And I am referring to a complete education, with a high content of emotional intelligence, because many of the problems in young people's relationships are due to ineffective emotional management added to low self-esteem and a disconnection from certain values ​​(and, of course, , to a lack of knowledge about important concepts of sexuality).

to be able to filter the bombardment of information they receive and the social pressure they are subjected to regarding how their body should be, their sexual performance, etc. Is it to throw our hands in our heads or not so much?

Some say that sometimes we work without feeling like it, we go to family meals without feeling like it, and even meet up with friends without feeling like it.

Is sex different?

Of course, this generalized loss of hope in life is related to the experience of sexuality.

Because sexuality connects us with vitality, it is a source of health!

The problem is that when you live in a

and more focused on "doing" (and, often, only on "satisfying the other") than on "being" and "feeling", motivation is non-existent. .

When the "what for"

", we are pretending to enjoy the flowers without taking care of the roots. We need to get away from this superficial and stereotyped experience and reconnect with the true meaning of sexuality, with the deep union with our body and with the other person. , and then yes, the desire can begin to flow. Is there a relationship between sex to please and self-esteem? When someone feels that their partner has to validate them because they have not built a strong self-esteem that allows them to feel that they have value for She herself is very likely to focus her sexual relations on being everything she thinks the other person expects from her/her, thus, she will experience relationships centered on the other person and, most likely,

This can lead to difficulties such as anorgasmia or pain during penetration. Behind this there is also unequal desire.

How to balance the different desires within a couple? In psychotherapy sessions I accompany people to live the sexuality they really want to live and, from there, achieve satisfaction as a couple.

In other words, it's not about "doing it for someone else", it's about working on your own desire to feel satisfied with it and, from there, share it with your partner.

It's just the tip of the iceberg and we can't stop there.

Many times we need to work on negative beliefs, on emotional conflicts, on past traumatic experiences, on conflicts in the relationship itself (beyond sex), etc.

Furthermore, due to the weight of gender stereotypes, we see that while one connects with sex through affection,

So it will also be necessary to work on these dynamics within the relationship so that they bring them closer instead of moving them further and further apart.

Although we usually talk about "the form" of sex, that is, postures, practices, etc., in reality, talking about sexuality is something profound and reveals many aspects of being.

But only there can we achieve the authentic paradigm shifts that bring us closer to well-being.

What is missing is 'Sex education', say young people

Netflix

The British series 'Sex education' addresses issues of sex among young people very naturally, putting on the table the doubts and fears that arise when one starts in these matters.

Sex education, precisely, is for many a pending subject in the classroom, where the curricula are limited above all to the anatomy and its reproductive functions.

In fact, according to the 'X Barometer of young people and sex', carried out by Control,

at the beginning of their sexual life, so they resorted to to your own intuition.

And those who say they have received it, place their friends at the top of the ranking (31.5%), followed by the Internet (26%) and their partner in third place (25.85%).

Rosa Navarro

, a sexologist at

, insists that an affective-sexual education is necessary that addresses, in addition to prevention and risks, positive issues such as pleasure and sexual freedom, a concept that excludes any form of coercion.

" We must

and what we don't, what we want to do and what we don't, because it is essential to live a free and satisfying sexuality," she says.

The 'orgasms by commitment'

Shutterstock

The Control study also reveals that 61.3% of young Spanish women say they have difficulty reaching orgasm, compared to 22.5% of men.

And, pay attention, because he also talks about

: 59.1% of young Spanish women say they have faked an orgasm, and of these, 43.8% have done so so that their partner does not feel bad .

In the field of insecurities, women are once again worse off: 53.3% of boys have no

that affect their sexual life, compared to only 26% of girls.

Half of those surveyed, in fact, acknowledge having them due to being fat or thin.

We have 'a lot of iron' ahead

Look Arrate de la Torre and Alícia Boluda Albinyana are teachers in the Valencian Community and spokespersons for DoFemCo,

For them, the fact that almost six out of 10 girls have had sexual intercourse without desire means that the present is tinged with a certain pessimism as far as inequality is concerned.

The summary, underpinned by what the classrooms see day by day, is that we women still have 'a lot of iron' ahead of us, and their recipe to combat

"It seems very serious to us that our young men are willing to satisfy themselves sexually despite the fact that their partners do not want it, despite the fact that they only

a practice

to do it," they maintain.

The reasons behind this consensual but unwanted sex lie, in his opinion, on several fronts.

One of them is the

, underpinned by fashion, replete with tiny pants and tight tops: "'Your body empowers you, show it' is the message they seem to receive".

They also get their share, with tight pants and short-sleeved shirts, even in winter, but their sexualization is milder, they say.

The girls, they say, are more subject than they are to what they call the 'Law of Pleasure': "Since we are born, women are subtly instilled in us that we must please through appearance, particularly men. We learn that women that they like physically are better valued than those that they don't. Social networks are the main vehicle for the entry of this 'learning'", they affirm.

Getty Images

The teachers add to this the

to which boys are exposed through the consumption of content that perpetuates "the objectification and absolute subordination of women."

DoFemCo spokespersons not only point out pornographic films, but an important part of the audiovisual content most consumed by minors on networks.

"There are music videos that are not considered porn because the women are dressed, but they refer to an aesthetic that powerfully refers us to the imaginary of prostitution, with erotic dances on camera, explicit images of private body parts...", they affirm. .

And it

... Look Arrate de la Torre and Alícia Boluda Albinyana maintain that they find girls and young people who succumb to the pressure of "doing it", the first stone of the culture they receive: "

; they agree, more than they seek; they endure, more than they enjoy", they say.

-sexual coeducation

that they advocate should focus on different places, depending on the recipient.

"In boys, questions like why do you find rejection exciting? Or why can't you accept no?"

On the other hand, with the girls it would be necessary to work on issues such as why they consent and accept, instead of wishing, or insisting on the separation of sex and duty.

"You have to explain to them that they don't owe any man sex and that they

or the meeting whenever they want," they conclude.

Conforms to The Trust Project criteria

Know more

• Sex