What if you were overvaluing your partner?
- Despite the hypersexualization that prevails in our society there is still a huge ignorance about the most intimate part of each woman. That is why courses that help shed light on the subject proliferate. The first thing they teach is to take responsibility for their own pleasure.
"Welcome to this space of security and communication, a place of liberation and empowerment." The 12 women surrounding the sexologist who organized this workshop on female sexuality listen to it with attention and some suspicion. It is not easy to open your erotic world in the canal, or the lack of it , and start a shared learning process that cleanses your desire for guilt, dependencies and ignorance. The program, which will be extended throughout the day, offers several theoretical and practical modules: erogenous anatomy, muscular work of the pelvic area, physical relationship with the couple, use of toys and masturbation . In this workshop there is no nudity or contact, only videos, drawings and many doubts.
"Is it possible to achieve the same pleasure with self-satisfaction as with a man?" asks a woman well into her fifties who confesses to having hidden her presence there from her husband. " I don't enjoy penetration. This is the first time I say it. That already frees me, but what can I do when I'm with my partner?" Says the youngest of the group, who barely reaches thirty. At the end of the day everyone will claim to have acquired a new perspective that they intend to test in the privacy of their homes.
"The healing power of the word is incredible," says journalist and sexuality specialist Sylvia de Béjar . "The first step for those who do not feel satisfied is to be able to speak in a receptive environment, see that there are other people with similar difficulties and start together a process whose first objective is not to be ashamed of our body or our desires," he says.
Sylvia de Béjar says that there are many women willing to live such an experience, so these education and therapy workshops taught by psychologists, sexologists or sex coaches proliferate . They use different methods and inspirations, such as mindfulness, Taoist philosophy (which invites physical and spiritual harmony), tantra (acceptance of desire and sublimation) or meditation as a prologue to sex, shared with the companions of course. The price range is also wide: between 50 and 80 euros for a daily session ; from 175 to 250 euros for a weekend workshop , or 1,300 euros for a seven-day field retreat , all inclusive.
Ana Sierra , psychologist and sexologist, warns that it is very important to know the offer and analyze if it adapts to our personality and objectives : "Without a doubt, the workshops are very necessary but, be careful, because sexuality is a very delicate matter, there are many supposed experts who are not prepared and run the risk of causing more confusion or inhibition . " Sierra has participated in some of them and his experience has not always been as expected: "I went to one with a friend, taught by a man whose proposal was to make us white tigers, an oriental figure who conceives of women as sexual machines. You saw him dressed, encouraging us to take off our clothes, train the cervical massage and touch us. I thought it was the game of a voyeur. We left, but we saw that others began to enjoy the encounter. If it fits you, then go ahead, but I I would never advise such a thing without having done a previous job of knowledge and emotional management. "
Those who have been studying for years in this field insist that sex is in the mind, not in the genitals , and therefore it would be there where one would have to start working to obtain a satisfactory erotic experience. There are many who argue that inhibitions are generated by cultural prejudices that can only be overcome by building a different look , far from phallocentrism, that recognizes the right to be responsible for one's pleasure. "The workshops should not only focus on the genital but also on the emotional well-being that sex should provide , " explains psychologist and sexologist María Esclapez . "That is why it is important to communicate with other women: so that they do not feel alone, they rediscover together and acquire a theoretical basis that leads them to a process of reflection and physical and spiritual self-knowledge."
Thus, even if the courses are group, the model should be adapted to the particular case. "I never accept anyone without first talking to him. You have to know what backpack he has to understand what is best for him. Maybe he is dragging problems that advise a personal consultation first and then joining the group. Once in the workshop you must identify the issues that they can cause anxiety to some participants and be more careful when addressing them. And I think it is essential to follow up so that they continue to grow or prevent unwanted effects. When you touch privacy, you can harm without wanting to, "says De Béjar .
Idoia , 50, the mother of two children , has just spent a weekend with eight other women in a workshop organized by José Toirán , an expert in sexual kung fu. "I went out of curiosity. I thought I had a quite satisfactory sexuality and the first thing I discovered was that I was little more than an ignorant. I am learning to breathe, to meditate, to understand the responses of my body and how to truly satisfy it. My husband came to to think that he intended to exclude him until he has seen how much our relationships have improved, "says the student.
Testimonies such as Idoia's have made José Toirán's courses almost a viral phenomenon augmented by his peculiar training process, which began in the porn industry. First it was behind the cameras and then in front of them, playing a masked character specialized in causing female ejaculations. Taoism changed its path and took it four years to Thailand, where it undertook a learning path with Tao teachers that now tries to transmit to its students. "The goal is to silence the mind and awaken the senses. You have to conceive of sexuality as part of the self-knowledge that is achieved through meditation. To be effective it is necessary to control breathing . In fact, sex is 80% that , because that is how it is tuned to a state of well-being that will invite pleasure and amplify its sensations, "explains Toirán.
Orgasm would be only part of the experience, but to achieve it you also have to understand the mechanisms that activate it . "In my workshops that approach is theoretical, there is no nudity or touching. I hope that the women who attend identify the types of orgasm and get to activate them. For example, I explain that the pleasure of the clitoris is more social, more external, it is internalized less, however, that of point G , which causes female ejaculation through breathing and certain muscle movements, is more emotional, more intimate, requires more confidence and is capable of cleaning many negative emotions , "says José Toirán .
The expert in sexual kung fu is concerned about the damage that the supposed specialists attracted by the business may do. "99% of those who offer therapies based on Taoism and Tantra really have no idea, so be very careful," he warns. It is the same suggestion made by Carmen Enguita , a researcher and trainer with 40 years of experience in personal development techniques: "Learning about your sexuality must be instructing you about your whole being and for that it is essential to find the right guide". With his proposal, yoga , muscular exercise and meditation introduce participants to other more intimate activities: " Let's eliminate the taboos. The only perversion is in the mind. There is nothing as natural as a naked body or anything more logical than explore it. Those who participate in my workshops all learn together to touch, to massage, to activate their sexual energy with the utmost respect. Why are we afraid that 20 women without clothes are in a room recognizing their own eroticism and, instead, we have normalized pornography? It makes no sense. "
Carmen Enguita could be considered a continuation of the work of the American Betty Dodson , an octogenarian feminist who has been giving uninhibited workshops for five decades at her home in New York . Its objective: to make women sexually autonomous with techniques as practical as visual. In their courses, which he says people from 30 to 60 years of age attend, the most intimate secrets are revealed, breathing exercises are done and each one faces his genitals before a mirror enjoying the consequences. "Orgasm is learned, it does not come by magic," he says.
With such diverse proposals, which one is the most satisfactory? "The one that suits your personality," replies psychologist Ana Sierra . " Be wary of who tells you what you have to do to free yourself . Let's be sensible. We cannot go from repression to anything worthwhile or throw ourselves into masturbating in public without learning that a hug can be an equally satisfying sexual experience. Yes, we must free, but each in its own way and when it is prepared to do so, "he concludes.
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