Cristina Galafate
Updated Thursday, February 22, 2024-02:39
Lorena Gascón
(Valencia, September 25, 1987) graduated in Psychology and did several master's degrees (in Secondary Teaching and General Health Psychology) but the manual strategies she learned "did not get to the root" and she ended up training in
mindfulness
and specializing in compassion with professors who are disciples of Christopher Germer.
"I started sharing daily reflections on social media with street language to
help as many people as possible
, especially if they couldn't afford to go to therapy."
Over time, she used sarcasm and humor, hallmarks that she uses even with her patients.
Followers came in thousands and he wrote several books.
On the last one,
Stop treating yourself like ass
.
Self-criticism also comes out
(Ediciones Martínez Roca) encourages us to treat ourselves as we deserve and to question "dodgy beliefs" about the body, limits, fear or perfectionism.
Why are we so demanding of ourselves and talk to ourselves like we would never treat a friend who needs help?
How we treat ourselves depends largely on our
upbringing
.
About how our parents have treated us, and how they have treated themselves, because we copy it too.
And not only our parents, but references such as teachers, siblings... If our mother told us that we were an idiot, we assumed it.
The context
also influences
.
And if in our culture there is a lot of perfectionism and motivation to be productive, for example in social networks, with social comparison, the success of books that are sold about getting rich in I don't know how long and all that shit, we perceive that we are not enough and we must do more.
And if you add to this having experienced
rejection
For example, in a traumatic exam or at school we have been insisted on the idea that we are lazy, all of this makes up some beautiful beliefs to be super demanding of ourselves. "Everyone leaves for tomorrow what they can do today, and whoever says no is lying," he writes in the book.
Do we function better under pressure and at the limit? Postponing or procrastinating is often attributed to laziness, but in reality it is usually one of the minority reasons.
Maybe we are insecure and that is why we find it difficult to take on a challenge or we beat ourselves up a lot with very high goals. Are we procrastinating due to self-demand then? Of course, being hyper-demanding, our brain asks us to flee.
That is, procrastinate.
When we procrastinate there is relief from discomfort.
This in psychology is called negative reinforcement, because we have a reward because we have taken away something unpleasant, so we feel good.
If after this we treat ourselves badly again for not having done anything, we run away from ourselves again.
It's like a whiting that bites its tail from which we never get out: very high goals, procrastinating, treating ourselves like asses for having procrastinated, and we go back to procrastinating and pushing ourselves. How can we set healthier goals? Trying to enjoy the process , without thinking about the final goal.
Focus more on the path and not on the goal.
For example, if I give a gift to a friend or partner and they don't like it, my self-esteem is going to go to shit, but if I think about the love I nourish and the enthusiasm I put into it, I will become less frustrated.
Another example is going for a run listening to the sensations of the body instead of achieving 10 kilometers. Does self-demand affect women and men equally?
Or does the fact of becoming the perfect woman, the most efficient worker, the perfect mother and a long etcetera weigh more? The cultural factor and gender roles affect more when it comes to setting limits, because women are she raises as a caregiver, and that makes it harder for her.
There is usually more pressure on them in this regard, but men are required to be solvent and take care of the family.
Self-demand is usually equal: boys and girls learn to be successful and do a thousand things at the same time.
Why do you say that we blame others for our shit and that leads us to unhealthy relationships? Everyone has needs and it is normal to lean on friends and family.
This individualism thing that we don't need anyone is false: we are social beings.
Now, when we are adults, we cannot demand that others meet our needs.
I can't ask my partner to stay with me one night when I was going out with friends, for example, because I feel like it and I'm suddenly sad so he can change plans and I can be happy.
If I get used to using others to meet my needs, in the end I will end up being an emotionally dependent person and I will feel that I need them.
And that is not healthy.
From the expectations that others will cover my shortcomings to the demands there is a very small step.
And then he moves on to reproaches.
It's toxic.
How is that solved? We should try to be aware that each of us has our own backpack.
We can support ourselves to carry it but we cannot tell the other person to hold it for us and that it is theirs.
A minimum amount of affection and attention is necessary to have a relationship with the expected respect and care.
But it is one thing that they don't leave me standing on a date at seven in the afternoon at the cinema and another that, faced with an emotional emergency, they have to drop everything for us and listen to us for seven hours. Can behavior be changed at any age? ?I always say it's never too late.
That's why I'm a psychologist.
Whether you are 15, 40 or 85 years old, you can change, but it is true that the more years we have believed something, the more difficult it is for us.
To change you have to want to change, that too. What would you say to those who defend "that's just the way I am"?
You are how you want to be.
It is true that there are things that have happened to us in life, that we are not even aware of, and they make us think and act in a way or have a personality.
But we could work on being aware to change them. What does this tireless productivity lead us to? Biologist Tamara Pazos says that in her free time she tries to learn with podcasts.
I watch series, it doesn't happen to me.
But it's funny to think that if you don't do something you waste your time.
We live in an anxious society that treats itself like ass.
But there is more and more talk about mental health, for better and for worse, and that helps more people realize how healthy it is to stop, rest and stop demanding so much of yourself.
How can we stop treating ourselves like asses? By stopping comparing ourselves to other bodies, avoiding wanting to be so perfectionist, correcting ourselves when we talk badly to each other and setting limits for other people who do not respect them.
In short, be kinder and treat each other like human beings.
What would you say to those who defend "that's just the way I am"?
You are how you want to be.
It is true that there are things that have happened to us in life, that we are not even aware of, and they make us think and act in a way or have a personality.
But we could work on being aware to change them. What does this tireless productivity lead us to? Biologist Tamara Pazos says that in her free time she tries to learn with podcasts.
I watch series, it doesn't happen to me.
But it's funny to think that if you don't do something you waste your time.
We live in an anxious society that treats itself like ass.
But there is more and more talk about mental health, for better and for worse, and that helps more people realize how healthy it is to stop, rest and stop demanding so much of yourself.
How can we stop treating ourselves like asses? By stopping comparing ourselves to other bodies, avoiding wanting to be so perfectionist, correcting ourselves when we talk badly to each other and setting limits for other people who do not respect them.
In short, be kinder and treat each other like human beings.
What would you say to those who defend "that's just the way I am"?
You are how you want to be.
It is true that there are things that have happened to us in life, that we are not even aware of, and they make us think and act in a way or have a personality.
But we could work on being aware to change them. What does this tireless productivity lead us to? Biologist Tamara Pazos says that in her free time she tries to learn with podcasts.
I watch series, it doesn't happen to me.
But it's funny to think that if you don't do something you waste your time.
We live in an anxious society that treats itself like ass.
But there is more and more talk about mental health, for better and for worse, and that helps more people realize how healthy it is to stop, rest and stop demanding so much of yourself.
How can we stop treating ourselves like asses? By stopping comparing ourselves to other bodies, avoiding wanting to be so perfectionist, correcting ourselves when we talk badly to each other and setting limits for other people who do not respect them.
In short, be kinder and treat each other like human beings.
Stop treating yourself like an ass
, by Lorena Gascón, is published by Ediciones Martínez Roca and you can buy it here