• Patri Psychologist: "The best advice to live with serenity is to stop running everywhere"
  • Elsa Punset: "Our brain searches, exaggerates and memorizes the negative better than the positive"

Experts agree that having arguments is the most normal thing in the world and even an indication that the relationship is healthy. The problem is that, on many occasions, these disagreements do not generate an active and empathetic listening of the other party, but rather we are obsessed with being right and proceed to bring out the dirty laundry of the past. "Shall we have dinner with your parents or mine? Christmas and these rituals require you to make a lot of decisions as a couple and that's when communication problems come to the fore the most," warns Paloma Aleñar, psychologist and couples therapist at the wellness platform Confort Mental.

According to this specialist, it is important to give purpose to discussions and look for concrete solutions so as not to enter into a déjà vu of repetitive expressions on a loop. It is common to try to bring the reason to such a point that we are already thinking about the answer we will give before listening to what they are telling us. "It's not about arguing less, it's about arguing well. An argument must have consequences that bring about change." In other words, we must find the solution without letting it go in order for it to make sense. Otherwise, it is most likely that we will soon experience the same situation again, says the psychologist.

Paloma Aleñar, psychologist and couples therapist at Confort Mental.EM

BEWARE OF RAISING YOUR VOICE

What red lines should be drawn into the discussions? "Respect for others must be an insurmountable wall. When it happens in therapy, I immediately tend to point out what is said against the integrity of the person," says Aleñar, who encourages in these cases to leave a space to order what happened. "Reflection sometimes fosters understanding." Although it should not be confused with the "ice law", he emphasizes: "That behavior of indifference and coldness without explanation as a punishment towards the partner". You should always ask for space with respect, without invalidating the other, she advises. "A person may feel differently than we do."

It is also not advisable to raise the tone. "The calmer we are, the more our partner's attention is favored." In addition, if one of the members of the tandem does it, it infects the other. "I propose that the next time you're arguing and you notice that you're both starting to talk louder and louder, lower your voice a little bit. As your partner imitates you, you'll arrive at a seemingly calm tone. It's a behavior that is imitated, both to elevate it and vice versa." Without communication, it is virtually impossible to reach agreements. But, sometimes, it happens that each person makes different interpretations of reality based on what they have experienced before. "We're going to have to settle for him listening to us and find a way to find common ground."

FOUR STRATEGIES

When we refer to that behavior, it is better to do it by talking about how it makes you feel to help lower the level of tension and promote empathy. Gtres

How should arguments be presented and heard? The psychologist provides the following recommendations:

  • Avoid generalizing with words like 'always' or 'never' generate more tension. An example:

A: "Your house is dirty and you always leave your clothes on the floor"

B: "I don't always leave it on the floor, it's you, you're never happy"

"We must not fail to point out something that really bothers us, but always in an assertive way, talking about specific moments."

A: "The house is dirty, it overwhelms me to see those clothes on the floor"

B: "Okay, but I don't know what's wrong with you these days, I don't see you happy"

  • With empathy we facilitate the search for solutions. "In addition, when we argue, we usually waste a lot of time thinking about what we are going to say when our turn comes and not about paying attention to what the other person is arguing. It is very important that in order to argue well we have listened to the other person and validate what they feel, even if we do not agree with what they say."
  • Change the point of view, it's about taking a you and me attitude vs. the problem. "If we understand that the 'enemy' is external, we will form a team and that will help find solutions." For example, imagine that a couple argues a lot about schedules, one gets up before the other, and they always end up waking each other up. "If, instead of understanding that the problem is the other, we understand that the problem is 'the schedules', that is, that it is external to us and we are a team, we take a different attitude to find solutions."
  • Control stressful situations. "It is common to find couples who, after a great loss of money, start a crisis. In addition, these are dates when we have the habit of reviewing the year that is ending and setting very high expectations for the one that begins. At this time, couples may make negative evaluations of their accomplishments and defend their esteem by blaming the other person."

THE TRAFFIC LIGHT TECHNIQUE

For the psychologist, you have to select the right moment to communicate. People are like a traffic light and colors measure our level of anger.

  • "When we are in the red communication is not possible and trying to do so would be very risky, therefore communication must be immediately cut off and wait."
  • "Being in orange carries a lower risk, at this point, communication is only possible with caution and, knowing, that if you go back to red you have to stop."
  • "It's best to wait for the optimal time. As you might guess, it's green. Only when both of them take this free path can we communicate."

Is it harmful to do it in front of your children? It doesn't have to, according to Aleñar. "It can be beneficial for their learning. At first glance, this may come as a shock to us, but the truth is that preventing a child from watching two referents argue could impoverish their emotional education." It is important to emphasize that this is very positive as long as it is "well discussed" and that issues that affect the child's life are not being discussed.

"Making decisions about their education in front of you could cause the child to misinterpret the bond that their caregivers have. It is essential to show mutual support in the couple in making decisions that involve the infant."

And in front of relatives? "It will depend on the context. Patients often express that family members have unrealistic perspectives on the relationship. Keep in mind that we tend to focus on the negative and that's why we share more negative information about our relationships than positive ones."

CONTROL TOOLS

Active and empathetic listening is key to understanding the other and changing our attitude towards the problem. Gtres

In the middle is virtue, sometimes we will give in and sometimes the partner. "In these cases, it is important to value the generosity we have with the other, trying to put the focus on ourselves and not on the other person. It's usually a complicated task because thoughts appear automatically." However, there are decisions that have no middle ground. For example: having children or not is an issue to be dealt with and that must be very clear. "Generosity is not enough, but we will need both sides to take a number of actions."

  • If the person gives in: "It will take time to sink in. It is also a grief to assume that the scheme of life you had changes and it is something that we must respect. In addition, it is important to understand that, although the person who has not given in may be very excited, the other may not be and we must give space for those emotions."
  • The other party does not give in: "You will also need the accompaniment of your partner in the decision and, most importantly, trust that, if it goes wrong, you will not be responsible and will live with the guilt of having made this decision."
  • Psychology
  • HBPR