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Let's start with some great news. Taking into account that today we are going to talk about how to act when your friend seems to come out of the Victoria's Secret catwalk, if you think you do not have any that fit within this mold, it is possible that it is because that friend is you. In any case, we will not deny that on occasion we have wondered if Lena Dunham, at the time when she was always with Taylor Swift, felt some uneasiness when entering anywhere, people turned to look at the singer. Please do not call us superficial: we are well aware that the outside is not everything, but it is not easy not to feel a blow to self-esteem when we enter a place and all the attention is turned to your plus one ...

"We have to understand that your friend's success doesn't mean you're less or that you can't either. We often idealize our friends because we only see the positive they have and the negative of us, so we feel 'hurt' or 'offended'. At that moment you can repeat to yourself that you also have good things and even do the quick exercise of telling yourself three things that you like about yourself every time you feel that you compare yourself with someone to reinforce that you have many positive qualities too. In the long term, the ideal would be to reinforce your own self-esteem and try to talk to yourself precisely as you would talk to your best friend, blaming you less and praising you more, "explains Olga Alejandre, author of 'The beauty of being you'.

How not to die before an attack of jealousy

Although in 2015 Skout, a platform to meet people, launched a survey that revealed that 52% of men and 62% of women believe they are more attractive than their friends, the truth is that life quickly puts us in our place. "I have a friend next to whom I feel invisible, and as if that were not enough, when we are in a bar and she goes to the bathroom, many men come to talk to me to ask me about her. I feel somewhat immature to recognize it, because I am 43 years old, but I feel the same jealousy as when we were in high school, "says Marta D, computer scientist.

Montse Cazcarra, health psychologist, stresses the importance of listening to our emotions, exploring the message they send us, identifying if there are some aspects that we would like to work on and choosing very well what we say to each other about the relationship. "We can't control our emotions, literally; This means that we cannot choose which emotions visit us. But we can choose what we do with them. For example, we can observe them, try to make sense of them, understand why they appear and why we feel the way we feel; and, later, when we have observed them, choose what we want to do with them: for example, if we want to give them free rein and believe the message they send us without first questioning it; or make certain decisions such as, for example, if the situation is overwhelming or has an impact on our well-being that we would prefer to save, we can avoid certain contexts such as partying with her until we have the situation more 'worked' and we feel that we can face those situations without it being a setback for our self-esteem ", says the author of 'Healthy love, love of the good'.

It also warns that, if we do not act, we can get to blame internally and unconsciously our friend, something that in addition to not being fair, can generate uncomfortable emotions. "We're not just connecting with jealousy or rivalry; but, at the same time, we can connect with guilt and shame for harboring uncomfortable emotions towards our friend and we can judge ourselves harshly for it. Then, not only will we feel insecure, disappointed or frustrated because she takes the looks; but we will also feel guilty for feeling jealous or, for example, we will feel bad people for blaming her for how we feel, or for thinking that I wish she was not so attractive, "he says.

You are not plan B!

In English there is a saying (not only in Spain we have that) that says "birds of a feather stick together", and although the Spanish translation could well be "God raises them and they come together", in the language of Shakespeare this saying has more to do with the subject that concerns us today, as various studies indicate that we tend to surround ourselves with people similar to us. Therefore, when there is someone in the group whose beauty is overwhelming, insecurities, fears and even certain tensions arise in relationships when turning frustration on the other person. "The worst thing is when my friend comes back from the bathroom, she passes complementing those men who had only approached me to be close to her and then they decide that it is a good idea to flirt with me. What am I, a second course?" asks Marta D indignantly.

"I think we often feel bad because our head, in those moments, starts wandering with questions like, 'Why did you choose her first and not me?' ... However, if at that moment you laugh and even make the situation funny by telling your friend or even telling the other person, you downplay it and do not let that eat you inside. Talking things out and laughing could be the solution to many of our problems," says Olga Alejandre.

Take care of yourself

Cazcarra therefore highlights the importance of taking care of self-esteem. "It can be fragile if you haven't looked at us with respect, affection, affection and admiration in the past. That someone does not notice us, looks at another person or that we feel rejected or second courses can reopen old wounds, which makes a situation that, for some people may be merely anecdotal, for us a confirmation that we do not deserve to be chosen, that we are not worth and that we are not attractive enough. says to finish.

If Velma from Scooby Doo managed to be friends with the stunning Daphne, can't the rest of us follow suit?

  • Psychology