Recently, a picture of a "transparent study" on the Internet has triggered a heated discussion among netizens. The cause of the incident was that a netizen posted the new house he was decorating on the Internet, in which there was a desk in the study, the top of the table was glass, and the opposite glass was the living room, that is, when you looked up in the study, you could see what the people in the living room were doing, and vice versa. The netizen said that he built a "transparent study" to supervise children's learning. In this regard, psychological experts pointed out that the emergence of "transparent study rooms" reflects parents' anxiety and distrust of children.
Yangtze Evening News/Purple Cow News reporter Jiang Tiansheng
Transparent study room leads to controversy netizens: extremely insecure
Some netizens pointed out that there is the same plot in a TV series, the girl's mother "Hope for a daughter into a phoenix", she opened a window in the wall in front of the desk, installed transparent glass, and supervised her daughter's study at any time, in order to let her daughter be admitted to Tsinghua Peking University, she did not allow her daughter to have hobbies, and in the face of her daughter's resistance was also blindly "suppressed", her daughter suffered from depression. Netizens said, "I thought it was just an exaggeration in the play, but I didn't expect it to be true in reality." Another netizen said, "How can someone decorate their study room into the style of an interrogation room?" ”
In response, the poster of the "transparent study" directly said, "I do this to supervise the children's homework." "Then the comment section exploded." Normal, when I was in junior high school, there was a small drawer with a lock on the dresser, and it turned out to be pried, the lock was removed, and the bedroom room door was also removed, just because my dad said why do children lock the door, what do they want to steal, children can't have privacy, alas. "In junior high school, my mother read my diary and memorized it triumphantly. The mood is indescribable. ”
"I was monitored and studied by my parents, looked at my mobile phone and was reminded by a knock on the glass, and then looked at what I was studying, asked me why I didn't learn English in the morning, 'learning English in the morning works best', I am now extremely insecure, I can't learn, and I always have to divide a part of God to worry about when my parents will come in and scold me"...
Incorrect way
It will only make children's learning more inefficient
"What are the consequences of a 'transparent study'? There was once a hot search on social platforms 'how suffocating is an unlocked door', in which there were a large number of online messages saying that their room locks were removed or even kicked by their parents. Almost none of these netizens thanked their parents for this, they were all dissatisfied with their parents' behavior, and some of them also generated hatred. Chen Zhilin, a national second-level psychological counselor, told the Yangtze Evening News/Purple Cow News reporter that the "unlocked door" and the "transparent study" are essentially the same.
Chen Zhilin believes that there are two reasons for the emergence of "transparent study rooms", one is parents' distrust of their children; Another point is that the child's grades do not meet the parents' expectations, which makes the parents anxious. "Parents may have good intentions, hoping that children can carefully complete homework under supervision and improve efficiency, but incorrect ways will only make children more inefficient." Chen Zhilin pointed out that parents' distrust will affect children for a lifetime, and children will produce such as: low self-esteem and self-denial; Sensitive, poor pressure resistance; rebellious, irritable; Problems such as difficulty developing normal interpersonal relationships. "Imagine, if even the people closest to you in the world show distrust of you, who else will trust you? This insecurity often accompanies the child for a lifetime, making the child self-doubt and difficult to trust others. ”
"Parents can understand the mood of hoping for their children to become dragons and daughters to become phoenixes, their children's growth does not meet expectations, parents may be anxious, and will take measures such as monitoring, reprimanding, etc. to let children focus more on learning." We must know that most parents are ordinary people, whether they accept it or not, most children will become ordinary people in the future. Parents should be mentally prepared that their children may not be so good. Chen Zhilin said that children are eager to be recognized by their parents, and if their parents are very demanding and children do not meet the standards, they will be depressed, lost, and will have psychological problems such as depression.
What should I do if I encounter a "transparent study"?
Children need to learn to say "no"
What should children do if they encounter a "transparent study"? Chen Zhilin believes that "if your parents' behavior makes you feel uncomfortable, you must express it, tell your parents what you think, once it doesn't work twice, twice if you can't do it three times, repeatedly express it, and over time parents will form a consciousness, they will understand that their behavior is inappropriate." ”
What if repeated expression and repeated communication are still useless? Then you have to learn to resist, even if it is a big fight, don't feel that quarrels are equal to disrespect for parents, sometimes quarrels are to stand firm and solve problems. Clearly tell parents what they think, what they like and don't like, what they want and don't want, so that parents can understand their feelings and consider problems from their own perspective. "Of course, some parents are stubborn and won't compromise because of your little resistance, but when you start to resist, you make progress, you learn to say 'no', you learn to fight for your rights." At the same time, Chen Zhilin also reminded that the process of resistance must be "first courtesy and then soldiers", good communication is the best policy, quarrelling is a helpless move, even if you quarrel, you must understand that your purpose is to solve problems, not to create problems.
So as a parent, what should you do if your child is really often distracted and can't study well? Chen Zhilin said that parents should understand that "words are better than deeds". "For example, do parents do their own recreational activities while accusing their children of not studying well? When parents accuse their children of playing with mobile phones, do they often indulge in mobile phones? For example, when you ask your child to change a bad habit, sometimes the child will point out the bad habit in you, at this time, do you choose to criticize the child for not being sensible, or set an example to take the lead in changing it? These can have a profound impact on children. Chen Zhilin believes that parents should not demand too much from their children at once, but should put forward some requirements that are slightly higher than the actual ability of the child, so that he can complete the task through hard work. In this way, children can not only enjoy joy after success, but also increase self-confidence.
What if there is already a gap?
Deal with emotions before problems
What should I do if a gap between parents and children has created? Chen Zhilin said, "First stop yelling at their children, which is the first and most important thing parents should do. Because yelling will keep your child away from you and close the door to communicating with you. "Second, deal with emotions first, and then deal with problems. When dealing with emotions, you must first deal with your own emotions, and then deal with the child's emotions, if the emotions are not settled, things can not be talked about at all, when there is a contradiction, you must not come up to be reasonable, let alone take "are for your good" and the like to "kill".
Chen Zhilin told reporters that children will have a "psychological weaning period" at the age of three, their dependence on their parents is reduced, and their interest in friends of the same age is getting stronger. Some parents will feel that the child is separated, and in fact making friends is a compensation for the child's spiritual independence from the parent. "Around the age of 3, parents should change their concepts, respect the rights of their children, recognize him as an independent member, treat each other as equals, respect his autonomy and privacy, respect, understand and love him, guide more and blame less, help more and interfere less." Chen Zhilin pointed out that parents should influence their children, not supervise or shape them. "Many parents feel that they can scold and monitor their children, and want their children to be in awe and fear of their parents, which will only make their children feel unfair and unable to believe their parents' preaching. The emotional mentality of parents simply cannot educate sensible children. It may be that children are respectful to their parents on the surface, but deep down they will not trust their parents at all. ”
"For parents, many times it is not so much a compromise with the child as with yourself, and when you can accept that the child has a different view of you, when you can accept that the child cannot be as outstanding as you expect, many contradictions are solved."
At the end of the interview, Chen Zhilin also specially reminded that respect and understanding are not the same as doting, but to reflect gentleness and patience emotionally, respect the child's wishes, listen to the child's ideas and needs, and allow the child to make reasonable decisions, but at the same time put forward reasonable requirements to the child, explain and let the child implement the rules, so as to form the child's correct values and outlook on life.