Darío Casimiro, pediatrician: "It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken adults"

They say that today's adolescents are

than those of previous generations (it would not hurt if we reflected and assumed the share of 'blame' that corresponds to us).

Also, that the pandemic has separated them from their peers and, probably, has pushed them into a

(which already existed in the pre-Covid era) that has reinforced an

.

"Emotional intelligence used to be taught at home. Now we don't let teens get bored or frustrated. We live in an age of

which leads to our adolescents not knowing how to manage their emotions or how to express them", points out Dr. Darío Casimiro, head of the new Adolescent Unit at the Sanitas La Zarzuela University Hospital (Madrid), created to address the comprehensive health of this sector of the population under a marked preventive approach.

What happens in adolescence that, suddenly, it seems that a supernatural entity has possessed our children and they seem so 'strange' to us?

Teenagers live a moment in their lives where they have to separate from their parents and find their own identity.

In fact, it needs to happen.

However, no parent is prepared to accept that

and that the affectionate son who idolized him is fading away

.

The parents are grieving because the child they knew is now becoming the adult.

That is why, sometimes, children seem alien to us.

But it is not that they are rare, it is that this change catches us off guard.

In defense of the parents, it must be said that it is normal for this change to catch us by surprise, no matter how much we know that the child is growing up.

Now, there are scenarios in which some adolescents, in their quest to reaffirm their own identity, force themselves to differentiate themselves from their parents in a drastic way, which can cause some parents to

in the adolescent .

in front of them. Do they 'suffer' as much as we do?

Besides the visible changes, what happens to them inside? The sum of this

with the hormonal storm experienced by an adolescent leads to a whirlwind of emotions that is really difficult to manage.

It is not that the child is possessed (although it sometimes seems so), it is that he is facing very profound changes.

At a biological level, very complex things are happening: the

that determines bodily and sexual development begins;

At

there is a change in the neuronal connections and areas such as the prefrontal cortex (responsible for impulse control, emotional processing and expression, motivation, personality...) begin to develop.

, is that they are living all this at the same time.

And, in addition, the classic curiosity of adolescents is added, that

but coupled with a

of impulse control and adequate perception of the consequences (remember that this is still developing!).

This

that can endanger their health.

And of course they suffer.

Much more than us, who are biologically developed adults: they are facing a maturation process that is sometimes not easy.

In addition, socially, they live in a very different time from that of their parents (there were no social networks, for example).

Just look at the prevalence of eating behavior disorders.

Is it normal for them to rebel, yell at us, respond badly, etc?

And that they are ashamed of us? It is normal for them to rebel, to shout, to be talkative, yes.

And it is also normal that, sometimes, they are ashamed of their parents, yes.

But hey,

.

What should be allowed.

Teens

.

The work of parents must be to educate values ​​and emotional intelligence, so that our children have the necessary tools to know how to manage the emotions of their adolescence.

The same advice comes too late for those who have a son in teenage effervescence.

But it is the truth: if we have educated our children so that they know how to deal with their emotions, we should not see abnormal behavior on a continuous basis.

Teenagers are going to lock themselves in their rooms to listen to music or chat with their friends, they are going to have some bad answers, to put on bad faces.

They did it in the 80's and they do it now.

But this cannot be a norm.

These situations must be

and the way to do it is to show them how to

(which they have, something like a million emotions at the same time pulling them in opposite directions) to move forward and mature.

Finding your own identity is not despising your parents' identity by disrespecting them! How can we help them? There are no magic recipes.

A teenager needs

.

And that is not an immediate or quick process.

Quite the contrary.

It is a maturation process that can be easier if we have educated our children so that they know how to identify, express and manage their emotions.

Unfortunately, our society is ruthless in this sense, we are so exposed to constant sensory bombardment in a culture of immediacy that we cannot stop to reflect.

For this reason, sometimes, we are late and wrong in teaching these emotion management tools, which will

, both at the level of adolescents and their parents.

And another thing: teenagers move in absolute terms, for them it's all or nothing, wasting the huge and rich scale of gray.

Sure, this makes all the work more complicated.

They want

which they don't like so much. They want the cool things about being an adult, but without having to take care of the not-so-cool things.

This has become widespread in today's society and is tremendously harmful. And how can we guide them without overwhelming them? It is common not to know how to help adolescents (the famous "you don't understand me", "this is not fair").

There is no simple answer, because, in the end, each individual is a world and each one lives it differently.

And, even,

.

I already know that many parents will read this looking for something to help them because they have a boiling teenager at home and they don't know what to do anymore.

But I'm sorry.

.

The solution is to educate our children to express their feelings and emotions (what we call emotional intelligence) in an appropriate way.

This is the basic pillar.

And this translates into very concrete things: how much time do you spend with your children?

When you talk to them, do you have your mobile in your hand?

Do you really listen to them?

Do you let them explain or do you interrupt them because you already know what they are going to say?

Could you say the name of 5 of your children's friends?

And three of your hobbies?

The example of the mobile is quite realistic: if your child sees that when you talk to him you are distracted with the mobile, he will understand that you really do not care about him or what he has to say.

The same applies to when you have those conversations (if they are in a hurry, I'll catch you here, I'll kill you here or in a more relaxed environment), if you share or are interested in his concerns (it's not about going with him to the Duki concert , but respect their tastes). The fact of

, carry it all inside and, in such a complicated stage of development, become emotional time bombs that ultimately manifest in the problems we are seeing at the mental health level.

Obviously, much remains to be done and society must change, because immediacy, globalization, digitization and the pressure of social networks have shaped society so quickly that it has not given us time to react.

If we manage to set limits and adapt to the new reality, we will be able to

since it is always easier than repairing broken adults. How far can we go in our protective desire? They are our children and it is natural that we feel the desire and instinct to protect them.

No one wants to see their children suffer.

At the same time, our children are in a process of reaffirming their identity, which goes quite badly with their parents protecting them from everything.

But, either we develop

, or we take it raw.

It is key that we have

and that we show them that we are the refuge they can always turn to, no matter what happens.

Only in this way will we get our children to turn to us instead of "swallowing problems" or resorting to the advice of any undocumented person on social networks.

And I think it is important to point out that this function cannot be delegated to education or health professionals.

Our work in the Adolescent Unit is to detect dysfunctions that occur and provide the necessary tools to parents and children so that they can try to correct the causes of these problems.

How important is the establishment of healthy lifestyle habits?

A lot.

It is very important to maintain a regular schedule and personal hygiene habits and cleanliness of the room, as it is also important to eat at the same time with a

or

on a regular basis. Are punishments useful? Physical punishment is outrageous and has a decisive and negative effect on adolescent development.

Hitting a teenager is NEVER the solution.

I don't like to punish or use blame, because they don't help the adolescent to develop emotionally either.

I believe and defend that it is

.

And help them understand that

.

For example, is there any point in taking away their mobile?

Withdrawing a stimulus that causes satisfaction is only useful if the adolescent knows that this will be the consequence of a certain behavior and is aware that he has engaged in that behavior.

.

Acts and consequences.

Order.

And

.

Then there are the

in which the adolescent, with her behavior, is putting her life or that of others at risk.

Be careful, this is a completely different situation than a bad answer, a shout or a rudeness.

We are talking about very serious situations in which someone's life may be at risk.

In this second case, my advice is

for support, because each situation, each child and each parent are different and there is no universal solution for everyone.

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