THE SEX QUESTION - My partner only makes love to me when he's been drinking, is that normal?

Addiction to alcohol can take a heavy toll on a couple.

Marie, a listener of the program Sans Rendez-Vous on Europe 1, is currently experiencing it.

For some time now, her partner only makes love to her when he's been drinking.

She sought advice from sex therapist and psychoanalyst Catherine Blanc, who answered her Thursday afternoon.

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Mary's question

"With my partner we go through ups and downs. At the moment, everything is not going very well with him. I noticed that he only made love to me when he was drinking, how to explain that?"

Catherine Blanc's response

"It's extremely problematic, it means he's not doing well. We're not just talking about sexuality. If all of a sudden there is tension between two people and the only way is approaching one another is through taking alcohol, there is a general problematic. Firstly, a problematic in the relationship, but above all a problematic for this That is to say that if one needs to drink to be in touch with the other, it is because one is in a state of obvious depression and perhaps even lack of serotonin. Suddenly, we are going to have recourse to lots of external things that will lead to a couple relationship that is not going well. And since the couple relationship is not going well, we live sexuality with alcohol. there is no link, there is no relation, therefore there is only technique and sexual mechanics.

Alcohol does not mix with sexuality at all.

And above all his wife sees clearly that he is not driven by his desire for her, but suddenly carried by something else.

We are therefore moving more and more towards a relationship that is deficient.

Wouldn't it be better not to have sex?

We tend too much, especially young people, to think that alcohol will allow them to pass the course of inhibition and modesty.

But in fact, it does not convey the notion of real competence at all.

There is a kind of addiction that takes place without which we do not feel up to it.

You should know that not only does this lead to loss of erection, but it also causes ejaculations that do not come in some men or on the contrary which happen very, very quickly.

You must not absolutely want to make love in order to make love, since there is a real misunderstanding.

To accept that this is happening under these conditions is even contemptuous of herself.

You have to be able to say that things are not right at the moment, go see someone if necessary, but you cannot stay on that because it increases the aggressiveness, the personal devaluation of the man for himself or the woman for herself.

There is a feeling in male malaise that the woman is responsible for it, because it is a vicious cycle.

So yes we can refuse, say that I believe that this is not the moment, that you are not in your normal state.

She is not an object, no more than a spillway of her suffering or her sexuality.

Won't refusing make the problem worse?

I think you have to refuse gently, but you have to refuse.

For too long women have not allowed themselves to refuse on the pretext of not aggravating male discomfort, insecurity or aggression.

So I think we have to be able to say no, not castratingly but say it with kindness so that suddenly we find other places to be able to find the path of communication.

When you need alcohol to relate to someone else, there's something really wrong.

It is urgent to take care of it. "