- A book published this Wednesday deals with the mental load of children.
- In this book, the psychologist Aline Nativel Id Hammou warns of a certain number of children exhausted by overstimulation, the high demands of parents and teachers, and contradictory injunctions.
- The symptoms are varied and not easy to spot, and the risks turn out to be significant for people under construction.
Laundry is good. Redeem layers, OK. Call grandma to wish her a happy new year, done. Preparing a snack… In recent years, the concept of mental load, especially for women, has been popularized and explored in all its forms. But it is not reserved for a genre, and, apparently, not necessarily for parents ... Because children could also be concerned, if we believe Aline Nativel Id Hammou, clinical psychologist, who sees a certain number of children exhausted and overstimulated pushing his door. Curious, right?
The author, who publishes Wednesday the mental load of children * , an essay punctuated by some practical exercises to do with family, explains why the subject is not funny.
The mental burden of children… So it exists? We have the impression that this term "mental load" is used for all sauces. Isn't that a bit of a deviation?
The title can make people smile or cause debate, but I have noticed an increase in children's anxieties for four or five years. It is a fashionable expression which sums up a global exhaustion because they undergo too many stimulations, requests. Many children have a minister's schedule with activities from Monday to Sunday…
Some cannot allow themselves to be what they want. They can't get into a hut. And they run out trying to do it. When carrying out one task, they think of the next. And without pleasure.
What are the symptoms of a child who suffers from it?
He will become a robot, and risks extinguishing himself, getting lost. A bit like a fading flower. The symptoms are very varied. The child risks regressing: some start to pee in bed again, others develop learning disabilities, become less sociable. Or have stunted growth, weight problems (bulimic or anorexic), addictive behaviors, generalized anxiety disorders, phobias - until depression, I'm not afraid of words.
I even see a boom in consultations with children with suicidal ideas, an ultra-taboo subject…
But how do you differentiate a stressed or temperamental child from a child suffering from an excessive mental load?
It is the accumulation of symptoms over a long period of time, with a change in behavior between six months and a year, which makes it possible to make a diagnosis. Physical fatigue comes back all the time. I receive children who are going to collapse on the carpet, who suffer from headaches. It is necessary to differentiate a child who has anxious temperament from another who is conjuncturally anxious by his environment. For example, it is normal for the child to experience failures. But the question is: how is failure experienced within the family?
Why is it particularly difficult to spot this problem in a child?
There are several reasons. First, we have a watered-down image of childhood, which we associate with happiness, learning ... What creates a lack of understanding in parents: why should my child be stressed? In addition, many children hide their discomfort. It is already rare that an adult assumes suffering from a mental overload, so for the child to succeed in saying "I am not well", it is even more complicated. Especially since most want to please their parents. The primary fear is to lose the love of dad, mom, or, worse, both. They therefore find it very difficult to criticize a figure to which they are attached. That's why it takes a long time. I use a lot of media: animals, drawing, to help them express themselves.
Finally, it is not easy to recognize because it refers to the responsibility of adults. I tell my patients all the time: "it's a team effort, your child will move in his lines, you must also move".
You emphasize that your goal is not to make parents feel guilty, and criticize caring education in passing. But doesn't this kind of book stir up questions and reinforce parents' orders?
It was my first apprehension. This guilt of the parents, I meet it all the time in my office. Positive education is great, but it's very difficult to apply from Monday to Sunday. Parents are very eager for tips, advice, but these methods are very general. One chases the next and they are not suitable for all children. And that reinforces the idea that you have to be in such a box: "but why don't therapeutic tales work to put my child to sleep?" ".
We face in the media, in books, in blogs, through the development of parental coaching, a wide range of offers on parenting. Which reinforces the parents' feeling of failure and their lack of confidence. Especially since it is not always suitable. For example, I received an offer to teach my 2 year old daughter how to program…
Is this mental burden of children really common? Or does it only concern a small part of the children, from a high social background?
Of course, the socio-professional category plays a role. But I work in two very different cities, Puteaux and Nanterre (Hauts-de-Seine). And it seems to me that even parents with low incomes are in this search for adaptation: they will seek help with homework, ask more elders, pay close attention to the behavior of their children…
How can parents change their behavior when their children seem exhausted by these demands?
The first advice is to take stock with the pediatrician on the overall state of health. If there are symptoms, it is important that the child is arrested for a few days, to rest. Next, the parent should work on whether their child is not their duplicate or a rag doll that they can shape. So you have to listen to it: "What do you want? "," What do I want? "," How do we find a compromise and be good? ".
The parent must also accept to be wrong ... And let him tell his child. Which goes back to the idea that adults are not infallible. That mom also does stupid things. It doesn't matter, I love her anyway and she loves me anyway. Intuitively, we know our children. The important thing is to trust yourself and try to adapt to the person you are facing.
* The mental load of children *, Aline Nativel Id Hammou, Larousse, January 8, 2020, € 14.95.
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