Spiegel Online: Will men who beat their wives come to you voluntarily?
Rettig: Some are only with us because the court has condemned them to therapy. These are usually the difficult cases. Others come semi-voluntarily because they were told to do so after a police operation for domestic violence. But most of them are actually looking for help on their own initiative because they feel bad about their behavior.
Spiegel Online: What are these for men?
Rettig: These are men from all social milieus. We also have many academics, including managers and executives, who are under a lot of stress. Many have become violent against their wives at one time, have been deeply upset and sworn they will never do that again. Then they did. These men have huge guilt feelings and realize that they need help.
Spiegel Online: How do you help?
Rettig: We offer group sessions with six to eight men each. Together, we play back and discuss situations in which the men have struck. One or the other will often be crying on the flipchart and realize how helpless and idiotic he has behaved. The men see: I have achieved the opposite of what I really wanted. But they also understand why they struck.
Spiegel Online: What are the reasons?
Rettig: Spanking men look strong and superior. But in fact they feel helpless in certain situations. For example, they can not stand that their partner has a different opinion. They have no concept for leaving it that way or give in and feel overwhelmed. That equates to defeat for them. In addition, they are immensely physically tense. The supposed way out is violence.
Spiegel Online: What's so hard about respecting the partner?
Rettig: The men are helpless in expressing their true feelings. You can not say to her partner, 'I'm afraid you'll leave me.' They can not show weakness and vulnerability because that does not fit with their male image. Instead, they radiate anger and dominance. That is legitimate for them.
Spiegel Online: The picture of the man who is not allowed to show weakness is long outdated.
Rettig: May be. But many men still have it in their heads, and it is being propagated, for example, in advertising or film. But there are different dynamics in this situational violence. For example, some men can not say no. They swallow a lot for a long time, and when they do nothing the violence suddenly breaks out of them. The men experience this as a blackout. We work with them to ensure that they perceive at an early stage and say what offends or hurt them.
Spiegel Online: Can the men control their behavior after such a therapy?
Rettig: Most people say that if they had known all this before, they would not have been violent. But we do not know if they strike again or not. We can not evaluate that. We advise some people to do another couple therapy with their wives because they force some men back into old dynamics.
more on the subject
Humiliated, abused, murdered womenMy partner, my tormentor
Domestic Violence "If I do not leave immediately, I will not survive here"
Violence in relationshipsDeserved, beaten, threatened with a knife
Victim of relational violence "He wanted to kill our son"
Domestic violence "Justice forces mothers to lie to their children"
Domestic violence "Men often beat out of helplessness"
Partner with Control In the end she was his prisoner
Spiegel Online: Stop, does the woman have the responsibility if the man strikes?
Rettig: No, we also make clear to all men with us from the beginning that hitting is not an option. The men are alone responsible for their violent actions. That perpetrators take responsibility is a prerequisite for changing their behavior. But there are certain perpetrator-victim dynamics.
Spiegel Online: What do they look like?
Rettig: The men can learn to interrupt this, the women can sometimes help. For example, some women are always pushing their husband into a corner with words. Men feel verbally quickly inferior. Some then look for other ways to assert themselves. Then they sped off. Both sides can work to stop using the respective patterns or to use them reciprocally.
Spiegel Online: Are there any hopeless cases?
Rettig: Some men - some from other cultures, but also Germans - have a very patriarchal world view. They are convinced that they have the say as a man. If the woman refutes, they restore this order - and they regard violence as a legitimate means. These men often even believe they have to use force. That is her responsibility to be a good husband and father. With those it is very difficult.
Spiegel Online: What are you doing in such cases?
Rettig: Most of these men have experienced violence themselves, often as children. Sometimes, in one-to-one conversations, you can talk about what you experienced and how you felt about it. Then, in some cases, critical thinking takes place. But for some men, the effect is also zero.
Spiegel Online: Is this frustrating you?
Rettig: I console myself with the fact that at least I have tried and our work helps many other men to rethink their behavior. I am sure: many are also able to change.