Were not we in love? Parents often forget that because of the sheer size of a child. Smooch then helps sex too. And the children? Have something of it, if the parents have a crush.

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Issue 24/2017

happy end

How couples diverge peacefully

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Yikes! That felt pretty weird. And it felt even weirder how funny it felt. After all, we did not do that for the first time. Therese and I have been married for eight years and have been married for 17 years. And now I felt like a teenager. Because we smooched?

It was one of the first warm days of the year. With Benjamin (four years) and Willem (ten months) we drove to a secluded beach on the Süderelbe. Benjamin built a sand castle a few steps further, Willem had fallen asleep on the blanket next to us. And then it happened. I think at first I just snuggled up to Therese because I realized she was a bit cold. Then we kissed suddenly.

It is amazing. Living with the children has made us a pretty good family. But at the same time, it somehow secretly, silently and quietly pushed the couple out of the relationship.

Love or kids rearing project

It's not that we would not kiss any more and have not had sex since Benjamin and Willem's birth. But it is different: perhaps more tired, not so hungry. There on the beach we were suddenly in love again as in the first days. Incidentally, Therese read the text before the publication and thinks so too.

In everyday life we ​​are sometimes almost pragmatically pragmatic: Instead of telling us how much we like each other, we make appointments. Instead of allowing ourselves to dream even of a night danced together, we sometimes allow each other meetings with our friends. Quoting softly, when it's your turn again, of course. Instead of talking about topics in which our views inspired and enriched each other earlier, we blame ourselves today because one person does not do enough or the other does not clean up enough. Clear are the little things. But little things that can mischievously add up to a disproportionate size.

And while doing so and organizing and taunting and arguing, the love of yesteryear has imperceptibly turned into a childrearing project. Feel like smooching, physical contact or even desire? No time. And even if: how should one muster up the strength for it? It really is not that important.

Are you kidding me? Are you serious when you say that.

Sometimes I curse our sofa. I do not even remember when it started that I went to sleep in the living room. Was also useful. Therese was on parental leave, I had to sleep well at work. It really did not have to be both tired and annoyed the next morning.

At first we did that sometimes, then more often. And somehow it occurred to me that I suddenly spent the weekend on the sofa. Why not. Finally, I was able to take better care of the children during the day. Besides, Benjamin always came straight to me when he woke up early in the morning - and did not wake Therese and Willem. And when I finally slept in a shared bed, Willem had just such a lousy night, that I somehow but unnerved staggered into the living room.

Then she hated Willem and me

Situations like these made even the thought of sleeping in a shared bed a little nervous. That was not completely safe. When Willem screamed, I woke up, but lay down because I did not want to be a piss. Sometimes I lay for an hour beside the desperate Therese and the screaming Willem, before fled into the living room with apologies and a bad conscience.

Why did I just go wrong instead of helping? Because help always goes wrong. When I carried him around, he just screamed louder, because he wanted to Therese. If I strapped him into the stretcher and staggered through the streets with him, Willem calmed down. But Therese always found a reason to take it away from me after a lap around the block.

Why did she do that? Frankly, I have not understood that until today. Also because we barely talked about these crazy nights. Had it been too bad, such a conversation.

When we finally spoke, I learned that Therese was always twice annoyed, when Willem was crazy at night and I was there. Because she had to imagine all the time how I stay beside her out of false solidarity. So she hated Willem and me in the most caustic situations - and even more so for herself.

Talking to each other is like smooching

Speaking openly and with interest is also a form of intimacy that Therese and I - just like the smooching - far too often neglect.

That non-talking becomes a problem in the long run, we now both know. Nevertheless, it still happens that we are totally annoyed by each other, do not know why - and then at some point realize that we simply did not talk properly for days.

But back to smooching. It's really amazing what that did for our relationship that day. Suddenly we were in love again like in the very early days - and, yes, also pretty sharp on each other.

Of course, being in love and having desires also affects how elated you are with your children. It somehow rejuvenates everything. And what did we have for a great day! It was not that we made something special then. It was just how we did it.

In the evening we had sex. Yes, next to the sleeping Willem. And it was great. Not in a sporting sense, maybe we were not even very passionate. Whatever that means. For that we were both too much of the day. But it was wonderful to touch and feel that the other is still there.


Dear readers, Do you sometimes forget being in love with family life? I look forward to your letters!