SPIEGEL WISSEN has developed an eight-week nursing coaching program, which helps to accompany old parents competently. This is the sixth part. The other parts can be found here.

What to do if parents are in need of care? Who would take care of them, and to what extent? And are children not generally helping their parents? When it comes to the question of how grown-up children can competently accompany their old parents, there are always unspoken norms and expectations with regard to "correct" dealing with old and needy people.

In the previous weeks of this coaching, you have probably already had a good feeling that the question of how help for aging parents could look concrete is best resolved in a communication process with everyone involved.

But the unspoken expectations of themselves and others often resonate in the contact between the adult children and the aging parents. Typical examples are children who live far away from their parents but feel responsible for their care. Or parents who by no means want to go to a home and unspoken assume that one of the children will "take care of themselves" or even move in with them.

These expectations then often slow down the solution or they become a kind of taboo. They do not come at all or only suggestively on the table and hinder developments.

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The following exercises can help you with the expectation clarification:

What works, what does not work? First of all, gather some unspoken expectations that you yourself have of the phase when your parents are old and in need of care. And also think about the implicit expectations you have had with your parents about this time. Here are some typical examples:

On the side of the parents:

  • I do not want to go home.
  • I only take care of my children.
  • I expect all of you children to take care of me - I've also done a lot for you.
  • If I am in need of care then I want you to move into my area or that I can move to you.
  • When my partner dies, I want you to take more care of me.
  • I want you to take care of my house and my property, after all, you'll inherit all that.
  • My daughter-in-law will take care of me once - she is there.
  • You will take care of me - you are there.

On the side of the children:

  • Nursing - that's what my sister, who lives near my parents, does.
  • My sister-in-law is a housewife - she can take care of it and earn something through the care allowance.
  • Of course I can come by, but more once a week than every day.
  • I live far away, the daily care will take over service providers.
  • I want to help shape the care of my parents, but I also have my own life.
  • I am happy to take over many tasks related to shopping, gardening, etc. However, I can not imagine the physical care of my parents.
  • I really want to take care of my parents as much as they can, if they need my help.

Have you found expectations that apply to your family? Well. Then, in the next step, consider how realistic your own expectations are and how realistic your parents' expectations are. Conduct an open conversation with your parents when appropriate.

If father and mother are still very fit, there is no time pressure. Then you can decide here and now when you want to have this conversation over the next few months. If your parents are already in a position where they need help, try to talk to them as soon as possible.

Tip: Do not lead the conversation in a big official family round. Explore the respective unspoken expectations again in a clear but casual conversation while working or walking together.

Read more about this topic at SPIEGEL +:
Experience report of a granddaughter: How my mother breaks down during the care

What is important is the type of communication: In conversation, try to always see the wishes and needs behind your parents' expectations. Anyone who says he only wants to be cared for by his children expresses a need for closeness and care. Try to appreciate this and work together to find solutions that address such needs.

In spite of everything, it is important to clearly state what you would like to give yourself and where your own limits are. And: In the first step, no perfect solutions have to be found. It is primarily about the fact that the expectations are revealed - and you can actively involve them in the overall situation.

We wish you courage and joy on the way to new plans and solutions with your parents.

Your SPIEGEL KNOW-TEAM team

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