"If you're not mentally healthy, it's very difficult to balance that," says Hanna Wirdegård, noting that she has always had a good understanding of the disease, but that she always did everything and a little more to be really thin.
For Hanna, the problem was never that she didn't know how big a portion should be, or that she didn't understand what to do.
"But there's something very strong that holds you back," she says, explaining that it has been important for her to find the core of her self-harming behaviour and then try to heal from there.
Chose to share his story
A few years ago, she had enough of the silence and chose to share her story in her autobiography "Why Will I Never Be Free?"
Hanna was constantly told that everyone can get well, so she felt alone in the fact that she didn't get well, even though the years passed.
"I had lived with eating disorders all my adult life and have asked myself many times if I am the only 40-year-old mother of three who lives with bulimia. So I thought I would write a book when I got well, but I never recovered. In the end, I decided to break the silence and write the book anyway.
Anorexia is considered the "finest"
According to Hanna, there are hierarchies in the world of eating disorders, where anorexia is considered to be the "finest".
"I think most bulimics feel like failed anorexics. No one wants a life where they oscillate between binge eating and starvation. Bulimia is just shame, especially as an adult.
Hanna says that she is still not free of the disease, even though the setbacks are becoming less frequent.
"I'm not completely healthy, but I'm finally free from the shame," she says.