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Potatoes under German flage
Photo: Westend61 / IMAGO
Recently, there has been uncertainty in Germany. What else can one say, asked millions of permanently worried fellow citizens. What else can you do? The country was in danger of reeling into chaos. Even the Federal Chancellor has recently seemed slightly deranged. At first, he walked around with his eye patch on. Then he missed the red carpet abroad.
Fortunately, there is now orientation. The »Bild« newspaper gave us a compass. For she has understood how great the danger is: "If we stumble now, we will fall." In this way, it has launched "a manifesto", a "guiding principle for what holds our free society together". One could also say: a German etiquette, a guide to life in Germany, as helpful and as concrete as Friedrich Merz's "Leitkultur" never was.
The »Bild« manifesto is divided into »50 points« in a reader-friendly way and gets off to a really good start. » Article 1 of the Basic Law applies to everyone who lives in Germany: "Human dignity is inviolable!" Except for some of the people that »Bild« reported on, one could have added, but that would probably have been a bit petty. And "we" in Germany don't want to be petty. After all, there are bigger things at stake: "Germany must now say NO! To hatred of Jews, to misanthropy and to all those who say 'no' to us."
And this is how it works: "We say please and thank you." (Point 9) That's right, just think of the favorite phrase of many patriots: Thank you, Merkel! It is also central to:
"Many Germans eat pork. The way to freedom is through the stomach." (Point 12)
»In the swimming pool, women wear bikinis or swimsuits.« (Point 19)
"We don't marry children. And neither do men with more than one wife." (Point 31)
"Knives belong in our kitchen, not in our pockets." (Point 34)
Point 40 is also very important: "Cheers, Germany! In this country, beer and wine are part of the culture. That should be respected."
One could almost think that my dear colleagues had in mind people with a migrant background in their valuable rules. But that would of course be slander, and we, as proper Germans, deny ourselves that as a matter of course as wearing knives and burkini. In any case, we now finally know what makes us what we are all about: "Germany is a country of barbecuers. After a picnic in the park, we'll take our rubbish back with us." (Point 33)
With all thanks to the authors of the manifesto. I missed a few virtues that are part of the original German DNA. For example, "We don't use our cell phones as a lightning rod and we don't write, 'fuck the intolerant muslims and all that other stuff.'" Or, "We don't abuse our position of power in the office and we don't dig up subordinates." But maybe the next 50 points will soon be added to »Bild«.