“No, not tonight”, “there, I don't want to”, “another time”… In a relationship, each can face the refusal of the other to have sex. And it is not a rejection of his or her partner but rather stems from a lack of common availability, as Damien Mascret explains. The doctor and chronicler of Europe 1 auscultates in the program Sans Rendez-vous the mechanics of desire and its triple spring.
“When is the best time to have sex? Obviously the other has to be available as well except, of course, for solo activities. In reality, you feel like it because you are available, but it's going to have to be. check that your partner is too In fact, this availability is based on three different levels: you have to be available physically, mentally and emotionally.
Physical availability
Overall, it takes energy for sexuality. This is important, because we have sick people and in this case, we learn to manage our day with the amount of energy we have. It's like starting your day with a 30% charged smartphone battery. You have to learn to manage it. When to use it? It also means that you have to know when you are going to place sexuality. Maybe when you have a lot of energy or leave it optional or optional if you don't have enough. In any case, it is necessary to have a voluntary and proactive approach in relation to this availability.
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Mental availability
If you want sex, then you are mentally available. You have cleaned up your preoccupations, stress and anxiety. Sometimes it's a way to get rid of it. For many people, when they are preoccupied or worried, when they expect results from something, when they are concerned about someone or when they are stressed about their job, it is difficult to be mentally and intellectually available for the sexuality. This is sometimes where it can get stuck. Sexual desire is sometimes like appetite and comes 'with eating'. If that doesn't work, we have every right to stop. Once again, we didn't sign up for the starter, the main course and the dessert.
Emotional availability
This is perhaps what is the most difficult. First, it is difficult to assess in the partner. What emotional state is the other in? Everything does not appear: there are couples and people who sometimes find it difficult to say what they are feeling. Conversely, there are others who say it and do it very easily. Just because someone hasn't told you you're annoying them doesn't mean they're not annoyed. There too, there are people who have an ability to compartmentalize very easily: even if they have fallen out with their partner, half an hour later, they can engage in sexuality. This is not necessarily the case for the other.
If everything has not been sorted out, there may be what is called resentment, which means that something has been allowed to smolder. It does not put us in an emotional availability for sexuality. However, contrary to what some people think, we need a minimum of connection, even in what we call casual encounters, where we think there is absolutely no feeling.
In reality, there is a connection of emotions somewhere. If you are not available, it will be very difficult to start the cycle of desire. If you have trouble starting the cycle of desire and continue anyway, your body is going to have a hard time following this path. Thereafter, you run the risk of completely defusing the desire pump because you engage in an act that you did not fully want. Better to stop. It doesn't help having an immature partner who absolutely wants to continue or who is angry. We must also accept that, because it happens to everyone to have an availability that does not work that day.
How to be synchronous?
Sometimes, what we do not assimilate to sexuality or foreplay is already foreplay and sexuality. The fact of discussing with his or her partner, the fact of taking the time to prepare the meal together… In short, activities which, apparently, have nothing to do with sex put in reality in a kind of harmony. You are picking up and reframing your emotions, your minds and, ultimately, your bodies. "