What mistakes are parents who love their children the most?

■ The biggest difference between parental love and all other love in this world is that parents love their children not for further integration with their children, but for separation from them

■ The younger the child, the greater the role parents can play; The older the child, the smaller the role parents can play

■ Parents should treat their adolescent child as a strange young person, the most accomplished person in the future, and the decision-maker in all matters of a family in the future

■Heling Peak

It is said that parents are the most loving people in the world, but from the perspective of brain science, many parents do many things to their children in the name of love violate the laws of science and the requirements of the development of the times for family education.

In fact, there is a saying in psychology that can be used to describe healthy parent-child relationships - "resolute without hostility, affection without temptation", parents should adhere to the bottom line and rules of parenthood, that is, "I have no hostility towards you, I must adhere to the most basic principles of our family's tutoring and family style" and "I love you not to kidnap you with love, tempt you, kidnap you to live as I expect, I love you just because I love you".

Looking back at the history of human development, we can find that people in agricultural societies live and grow up following the experience of the elderly, and the lives of children and grandchildren are no different from the lives of grandfathers, which is why there are proverbs such as "if you don't listen to the elderly, you will suffer losses in front of you"; In the era of industrialization, people more respect those who have learned new knowledge and mastered new technologies, so that they have the right to speak; In the information age, young people are always the ones who master new knowledge the fastest and most, and those who are worth learning. That's why it's hard to be a parent these days – because being older is no longer an advantage for parents.

Parents also need wisdom when dealing with their children.

From relying too much on strollers to willful school choice, there are many misunderstandings in family education

The following seven unscientific behaviors are most common in family education:

One is non-breastfeeding. Statistics show that at present, the rate of exclusive breastfeeding of newborns under 6 months of age is less than 50%. You know, the nutrient richness of breast milk is irreplaceable by cow's milk, and more importantly, when breastfeeding, the child can inherit the mother's flora through the mouth, skin and close contact with the mother. Children with richer intestinal flora will grow up with a stronger immune system, less prone to allergic reactions, and healthier their psychology.

The second is too much reliance on strollers. When their children are young, many parents like to push strollers and take their children for walks outside. However, the children lying in the stroller did not receive any wind, sun, rain from the outside world, and did not have contact with soil and grass. These contacts with nature can form stimulation of body parts and form dense connections of nerve synapses in the child's brain. It is reported that children's brain synaptic connections can reach 6% of the adult level before the age of 90, but it requires rich environmental stimulation. Today, our children's visual and auditory stimulation is rich, the most lacking is tactile stimulation, and when the child encounters problems learning mathematics and physics at the age of 14, parents know that the root cause is that the child did not let the flexible fingers receive rich stimulation by touching sand, water, grass, trees, etc. when they were young, and established rich neural connections in the parietal lobe of the brain, which was a little late.

The third is early education classes. The so-called "preschool" is the age at which nothing should be learned, and the most important thing that preschoolers should do is games, and all games in childhood are the basis of future social intelligence. For example, two-player games allow children to learn to think from each other's perspective; When participating in multiplayer games, children learn to follow the basic rules. When children suddenly begin to "social fear" in adolescence and begin not to communicate with their parents, perhaps it is that there are too few games played in childhood. The Geselle ladder climbing experiment has long proved that there is no value in early training for children, only training in critical periods is meaningful, and participating in early education classes occupies all the time children are in contact with nature.

Fourth, the child receives too much negative feedback. Psychology believes that a basic criterion for a person's long-term stay in any organization is that the ratio of positive feedback to negative feedback in the group is greater than 3:1. To construct intimacy, the ratio should be greater than 5:1. According to some scholars' sample studies, Chinese children grow up with 6 criticisms at the same time as they are praised, that is, 1:6. In this way, how can the child's mood be good? How could you want to stay in this environment?!

Fifth, keep an eye on your child's homework. Many parents hope that their children spend all their time doing homework, and now they not only do not let their children play and socialize, but also do not allow children to develop their own hobbies, leisure and entertainment, and even do not let their children see the sun! A survey conducted by my team in Shanghai found that 50% of minors spend no more than one hour a day seeing natural light. In addition, 1% of our elementary school students are sleep deprived, and 95% of our junior and senior students are sleep deprived.

A person's learning efficiency is the result of dividing the total effect of learning by the total time of learning. Simply extending the learning time without improving the learning effect is actually reducing the learning efficiency. It can be said that now teachers and parents are joining forces to reduce the learning efficiency of China's younger generation and extend children's learning time indefinitely.

Sixth, choose famous schools regardless of reality. Prestigious schools must be famous because they have their special advantages, but they may not be suitable for everyone. Parents should choose the right school for their children, not which school is famous. Sometimes, the child is at the bottom of the elite school, does not adapt to this environment, the people around him look at him unpleasantly, he will also feel that the world cannot tolerate him, feel that he is "waste", but if he changes to another suitable school, perhaps the child's mood and state are completely different. Parents must remember: choose a school for their children, not for the face of parents.

Seventh, a word does not hurt the relationship. Many parents can turn against their children for a math problem or for a test result. In many families, the child has not yet entered puberty and has not yet begun to rebel, and the father and mother have begun to rebel and cut off their friendship with the child. Parents have ruined the parent-child relationship, what can they use to support their children's development in the future?

Being a parent has a time limit, and the parent-child relationship is actually only half a life

In fact, there is a time limit to being a parent, and it is not necessary to have a child to become a qualified parent. The biggest difference between parental love and all other love in this world is that parents love their children not for further integration with their children, but for separation from them. Parents have a simple wish: they hope that one day when parents and children are separated, or even when parents leave this world, the love given by parents to their children can still support them to live more successfully and happily in this world. Therefore, the parent-child relationship is actually a half-life relationship.

However, now many parents give birth to their children, and they throw their young children to their grandparents or babysitters to raise, and they act as "handshakers". And when children enter puberty, parents want to take care of their children. In fact, all young people must "step on" their parents in order to meet the world. If they live forever under the shadow and control of their parents, what can they do after walking out of the house?!

In addition to physical separation, children and parents also have psychological separation. Parents should be aware that their children may one day change cities to go to college, when you can't control him to play with his mobile phone, do homework, fall in love, and one day, parents will let go and give all these rights to their children. In fact, instead of letting go late, it is better to let go early, because letting go early, parents still have the opportunity to correct their children, and letting go late, there is not even a chance to correct.

You know, the younger the child, the greater the role parents can play; The older the child, the less role parents can play.

From the perspective of brain science: the density of brain neurodevelopment in 6-year-olds reaches 90% of that of adults. Therefore, it is very important to provide children with education, environment, and external stimulation before they are 6 years old; All the child's sense of security and emotions about the event are formed before the age of 3, so it is more important to give the child a sense of security and enough love before the age of 3; All attachment relationships mentioned in psychology are formed before the age of 1 and a half, and the interaction pattern between the child and the main caregiver during this time period will become the basis for the child's interaction with the world in the future life.

If parents still want to "support" their children in learning, it is before the third grade of primary school, parents can help their children develop good habits, so that they can maintain their interest in learning and curiosity for inquiry.

It is regrettable that many parents do not care much when their children are young, and when their children reach adolescence, they look at this and that unpleasant, and often turn against their children. Once the parent-child relationship is destroyed, all the communication channels between parents and children, including the love they wish to give, are gone.

Many parents may say that as soon as they go home and see their children procrastinating, or playing games or changing pens, they are angry, and although they regret being angry with their children, they still can't control themselves the next time a similar situation occurs. In fact, in my opinion, there is no uncontrollable problem at all, parents are also angry in the workplace, why can they control not hitting the boss and not hitting customers? The key is how exactly parents perceive their children!

Therefore, we recommend that parents treat their adolescent child as a strange young person, the most accomplished person in the future, and the decision-maker in all matters of a family in the future.

Don't let homework become the fuse of parent-child conflicts, improving learning efficiency starts with developing good habits

Homework is the trigger for many family parent-child conflicts. Many parents wonder: if they don't pay attention to their children's homework after returning home, how can parents help their children improve their learning efficiency?

Here, parents are given three reminders: focus on the goal, focus on the process, and focus on feedback.

For example, parents can ask three questions after their children go home: Is there much homework today, and how long will it take to complete it? Which subject are you going to do first, which subject are you going to do later? What do you want to do after your homework?

The first problem is for children to plan, judge, and estimate the time and progress of homework completion. Because the brain is a "prediction organ", parents ask this, first meet the predictive function of the brain, so that once the child completes it on time, he will have satisfaction; If you finish early, you will feel very powerful, and if you do not finish on time, parents should also calmly find out with their children why they did not finish on time, and analyze whether it is a progress problem or the estimated time is too short.

The second question is to mobilize the child's learning strategy, it does not matter whether the difficult topic is done first or the easy topic first, the important thing is that the child begins to think about the problem and begins to plan for homework, rather than passively doing homework.

The third problem is to let children suddenly associate the happy things they want to do with homework, and over time they will form a habit: homework is not something that makes people annoying, but something that makes people happy.

As for the process, homework must allow children to do "fast before good". In the beginning, the faster the homework is done, the better, and it doesn't matter if you do it wrong, because the purpose of doing homework is not to do it right, but to find mistakes. Moreover, it is necessary to improve the speed of homework, because in terms of learning efficiency, it should be how to take the exam, and how to do homework in ordinary times.

For example, when taking the exam, you should first look at the test paper, whether the questions are difficult or not, what to do first, then what to do, skip the questions that you can't do, and check them after you finish it. Form such a habit when doing homework. Never do the child to do homework, parents sit next to the side while watching, while constantly interrupting the child, one moment saying that the word is not written well, the other time reading that the question is wrong, this is a very bad habit.

As for staring at feedback, this is also very important, because training without feedback is meaningless. Many times, a large number of homework assigned by the school is not feedback, students only know which question is wrong at most, as for how the error is caused, whether it is a mistake in mastering knowledge points or presenting the result wrong, the root cause of the mistake has not been found. In fact, I also want to remind the teachers at the school, if you don't give students enough feedback, what do you do with so much homework? As a parent, the last thing to focus on is feedback, and timely feedback can allow students to develop the habit of self-reward.

What kind of student is invincible? In my opinion, it should be students who will reward themselves, reward themselves if they do a good job, punish themselves if they do not do well, do not need to be evaluated by others, but enter a virtuous circle of their own process, which is what parents should help students do.

(The author is a professor at the School of Psychology of Shanghai University of Sport, compiled by Jiang Peng, a reporter of this newspaper)