How to break the ice sheet that separates you from your partner

If you give yourself a blow it is best to put ice so that the inflammation goes down and the pain decreases, at least temporarily. The emotional cold works in the same way, when a conflict arises with the couple, if applied in moderation, it produces the analgesic effect necessary to resume communication when the environment is more conducive.

"Cool" means not talking about the subject for a while, getting distracted, breathing, going for a walk (notifying the partner that you are going to talk again when you are calmer to avoid the feeling of abandonment in moments of crisis), write in your diary or talk to a friend of those who know how to listen, that is, of those who do not take advantage of the situation to further confine you against your partner.

STAY FROST

However, there are people who forget that affective ice cubes have to be removed and keep cold with their partner for too long, perhaps, they do not even remember the conflict that caused the distancing , they only know that between the one and the other Greenland has been installed before the thaw.

This indifference may be due to the difficulty in finding the way of reunion, but it may have other reasons such as:

1. Serve as a control mechanism (it is I who say when speaking and how).

2. Manipulative (I know that in the end you will yield and recognize your mistakes, you will feel guilty).

3. Vengeful (I give you where it hurts most).

4. Defensive (I can't stand your intensity, I want to be away).

In the era of communication, the greatest difficulty of many couples is not the lack of it but the absence of quality and warmth of the dialogues . Being together and only talking about superficial matters or related to the day to day domestic can anesthetize the relationship so much that in the end nothing is felt anymore.

In fact, emotional withdrawal is one of the four behaviors that are known to lead to the death of affection (the other three are criticism, reproach and susceptibility). Not to mention "phubbing" that abusive and inconsiderate behavior that consists in showing more interest in what your mobile says than in the partner in front of you. The end result is just one, a frozen couple with an 80% chance of divorce (or living together as separated in the same house).

HOW TO CAUSE DEFROSTING?

Reconnecting with the sentimental warmth that one day you felt depends on the cause that caused the iceberg between one and the other, but above all, on your decided spirit of "icebreaker".

If the problem arose because one or both of you have a pattern of avoidance and at the slightest hit you want to put air in between, it is best to train active listening , try to understand what the other wants to express and give signals such as looking at the partner, agree with the head, expressions like "of course I understand" or asking questions, behaviors that help connect with the desire of all human beings to be seen and heard.

Another fundamental aspect is to train the self-control so that the companion's words do not turn you into a "submissive kitten" (who says nothing) or a "saber tooth tiger" (who is afraid to speak, which is another form of emotional withdrawal).

Try listening to your partner , for at least five minutes, and breathe slowly for calm inside when the restlessness is triggered by something he / she may have said.

The distancing on other occasions is produced by the natural evolutionary process of couple relationships . At the beginning we are dedicated to each other, which later becomes too busy each in different matters (work, children, own life). We are so busy and tired that there are hardly any moments left for warmth and affection, until one day you discover that there is a stranger sleeping next to you .

Before throwing in the towel , try to recover lost time by creating a new love map (that's what John Gottman calls it). Get interested in your partner again, know how you feel and think about your work, what your friends are now and share your dreams because they are unequivocal signs that you pay attention again. Remembering the good times spent together also eliminates frost, especially if it is accompanied by new shared activities.

Finally, the distance is produced because the grudge between the two has been installed . If the resentment has not been properly drained in a long time, the time has come to activate forgiveness , stop blaming or blaming yourself for the past that cannot be changed.

There is an important previous reflection that few do when they only see reasons for anger: how can our partner be living the relationship? What is it like to live with us? It is not a question of good and bad, nor of adjustment of accounts, but of taking a new perspective.

If you are a person to whom your partner applies the well-known Ice Law, do not try to force things. Give him a few hours and then send him the message that you know he is angry. Invite him to speak and point out your willingness to listen. Forgiveness and change are done for a greater good that is to enjoy the power of growth and well-being that gives us a healthy relationship.

WHERE THERE WERE FIRE ...

Drop down

There are five symptoms that indicate that the relationship is very touched: 1. When the spouses consider marital problems to be very serious; 2. Talking seems useless and they try to solve things each by their side; 3. They lead separate lives; 4. They feel alone; 5. Stop feeling and enjoying together. It is good to always keep in mind the components of love that Erick Fromm described in his book 'The art of love', that is, responsibility, active concern and, above all, mutual recognition and respect.

To receive clear signals that we care about the other , is to have small details and everyday complicities that are very valuable. These are some rituals of happy couples: they walk side by side, they give each other a hug when they return from work, they call to see how the day goes, they say they love you and have a good day every morning, they give each other Good night regardless of how they feel and of course, they look for fun sex, as an expression of affection and desire, the best way to break the ice.

ISABEL SERRANO-ROSA is director and psychologist of EnPositivoSí.

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