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Are there men who loudly demand an increase in parental allowance?
Who advocate for gender-equitable language or denounce everyday sexism?
Yes, they exist, but more as an exception than a rule.
On the whole, most men keep a solid distance from issues related to gender, feminism and equality and are even less likely to become active allies - be it in private, public life or at work.
In our work as consultants, trainers and authors, we regularly talk to managers, civil servants and young professionals about these questions.
Whether in German boardrooms or at the workbench, whether young or old, we find that the excuses and reasons why people prefer to stay away from questions about sexism and its elimination are surprisingly similar.
What's more, we can see a recurring pattern.
We call these the “3+1 Alibis” and venture the thesis that every excuse a man can come up with falls into one of these four categories.
Alibi No. 0: “Women don’t deserve equal rights”
Let's start with a saying that is not an alibi in the true sense, but rather an expression of a consciously misogynistic attitude.
Studies suggest that one in three men in Germany has a closed, anti-feminist or sexist worldview - across all income and population levels.
32 percent of German men reject further equality policies or adhere to a hierarchical gender order.
In addition, in the slipstream of influencers like Andrew Tate and the celebration of toxic masculinity on TikTok, there is a re-traditionalization of gender roles.
Around 33 percent of young Germans under the age of 35 find it acceptable to be violent towards their partner, surveys show.
The good news: There are still around two thirds of men who at least have hope for understanding and support in the fight against sexism.
But even outside the group of hardcore sexists, women face a lot of skepticism and resistance.
There is less ideology behind it, but rather a lack of understanding and ignorance towards the topic.
We are dealing with unconscious sexists here - we used to be like them, or we still are like that from time to time.
What this group of men says can be summarized in the following three alibis.
Alibi No. 1: “Women already have equal rights”
Most people probably know this classic.
The author and columnist Alexandra Zykunov even dedicated an entire book to this statement.
It's also the most common excuse we hear.
Many men deny the existence of the problem.
Reference is often made to the Basic Law or the progress of the last few decades.
Pay, care, pension and power gap?
Doesn't matter.
In a business context, we often hear: "We make decisions based on competence, not gender." This statement can only be made by someone who seriously believes that the professional playing field is already level and that performance and competence are assessed without prejudice.
Two fallacies that have been repeatedly exposed.
Another variation is the belief that women today are even being taken advantage of: "As a man, I won't be promoted here any more" Or: "We actually need men to be promoted." This is where men's great insecurity about loss of status and career comes into play.
It plays a decisive role in the fact that men, especially in a professional context, are very distant from the topic.
Many people are not aware that this fear is often unfounded (only around 29 percent of managers in Germany are female) and that in most cases men are still promoted.
Behind the alibi lies the concentrated power of male privilege, which is firmly convinced: "Because I am not discriminated against, no one else will be discriminated against either." Men vastly underestimate the effect of a social and economic order that affects them as men in almost all respects , especially when it comes to money, power and status, as the norm and standard.
Alibi No. 2: “This is purely a women’s issue”
Clearly, men have a lack of knowledge and experience when it comes to gender injustice.
But should they therefore stay out of discussions?
“I'll only get screwed if I say something about it,” we hear from male managers.
That may be so, but remaining silent means delegating the solution to a problem that is largely caused and maintained by men to the people who suffer from exactly this problem: women or queer people.
Men who use this statement often refer to the local equal opportunities officer with a casual hand gesture and say: “She is responsible.
That’ll have to be enough.”
Another version of this excuse can be found in the extremely common and sometimes indignant sentence: "I'm not a sexist myself!" In fact, when it comes to sexism, quite a few men quickly feel personally attacked and take one Defensive stance.
Here, every general statement, every presentation of statistics, every report about sexism in the workplace is assessed as a direct attack on oneself and one's own masculinity and reacted accordingly.
A neutral or constructive discussion is then hardly possible.
What men underestimate here: Just because I as a man have not physically assaulted a woman or verbally harassed a woman, that doesn't mean that I am not still - consciously or subconsciously - part of a patriarchal structure from which I benefit and in which Women and queer people regularly lose out.
In any case, by delegating, many men miss the chance to act as a male ally - male ally - to learn more about the topic, to start a conversation and to make a contribution to change in their sphere of influence.
Whether men want it or not, their abstention helps legitimize and maintain a discriminatory system.
Alibi No. 3: “We really have bigger problems to solve”
We are increasingly encountering the relativization of the problem in conversations.
This quickly becomes a matter of resources: a lack of money, time and staff.
At least the problem is acknowledged, but at the same time it is made clear that, unfortunately, given limited time and financial availability, it is not a priority.
According to this belief, the right time to address issues of gender equality as an organization, company or society is: never.
Because there are always more urgent things: inflation, war, shortage of skilled workers, political radicalization, dampened consumer desire, and so on and so forth.
This can be seen specifically in countless equal opportunities or DEI departments, where the red pencil is always given first in times of financial uncertainty.
Gender equality is treated like a luxury topic that may be good for PR, but beyond that it cannot make a significant contribution to your own company and economic success.
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On the other hand, this alibi also calls into question the urgency of structural sexism and omnipresent discrimination.
Excuses like “Nothing like that happens to my wife,” “When I’m a German abroad, I’ll be discriminated against,” or “Next, we’ll need quotas for trans people and foreigners,” are not just flawless
whataboutism
, they insinuate women also, exaggerating on the subject.
According to this logic, discrimination would exist everywhere, we would all experience it, we would all have to stop complaining and accept things as they are.
Men who use this alibi fail to recognize that, for example, a larger proportion of women in companies and management levels brings massive financial advantages.
Those who promote gender equality contribute directly and indirectly to solving other problems, such as economic stagnation, employee health and productivity, the ability to innovate or a shortage of skilled workers.
Do your part as a male ally
A man's path to becoming an active ally for women and gender equality begins with honest self-analysis.
Ultimately, being able to come up with such alibis is another form of male privilege.
A privilege that we can only begin to understand by learning from women or queer people what sexism means in everyday life and how we as men can best contribute.
Because we will not achieve progress as a society if men continue to negate, delegate or relativize the issue, but only if we work together with women for change.