Are you sure you don't need couples therapy?
"Before we stayed silent about certain things, but now we talk about everything and have fewer conflicts"
Toxic dynamics, jealousy, control, lack of respect... Why you should not watch (or of course copy) the relationship between Andrea and Álvaro, from Temptation Island
There are those who collect stamps;
me, love disappointments.
Am I responsible for the fact that my partners (or almost partners) always care as little about algebra as I do, or is it better to blame damn Mercury retrograde?
By the way,
is this Mercury single?
Is for a friend...
I have to confess that, after my latest sentimental setback (my specialty!), I asked myself something for which my psychologist would make me leave the room:
what if the problem is me?
Unbelievers, people with emotional infantilism, people who don't know what they want (but who are very clear that the one they don't want is me)... I have a diverse and large
collection of 'almosts'
who have made me think that, really , I'm not enough.
I have even been tempted to try to manifest my ideal partner, because the other day I spoke with an expert in the field (yes: there are experts in THAT) and she assured me that, if I write on a piece of paper, I can be sitting on the floor , what the person of my dreams is like, will end up appearing.
With the bad luck I have, only the virgin in the mirror would appear to me, and although I am going to say something for which they are going to take away my bisexual card, I have an existential doubt.
How am I going to manifest my ideal partner if I don't even know if he is a man or a woman?
So you can't get on with your wish list... The fact is that there comes a time when I can't help but wonder (Am I Carrie Bradshaw?) if I choose my partners poorly or if my attempts at love fail because of me.
XS duels and a Tinder that breaks egos
Each emotional setback brings with it a duel as a gift, but when the setbacks continue and the micro-relationships become more and more fleeting, you end up becoming an expert in micro-duels.
In the end, everything comes down to
a little cry and onwards.
The problem is that, when the moment arrives in which you master the duel and manage to pass its phases in a matter of seconds, you wonder if you are not becoming robotic and if your heart, rather than beating, sighs.
After any breakup,
self-esteem is the first victim,
and that is why you have to be careful not to fall into the trap of jumping to dating apps right away, because these types of applications, although they are wonderful for (I'm looking for a euphemism) satisfying certain needs , can be the enemies of self-esteem and cause many people to delete their profiles for fear of rejection or mistrust.
Little by little, without rush
In fact, according to a report developed by the dating platform Badoo, 23% of singles find it difficult to expose themselves on apps, and
71% have deleted one due to lack of trust.
As if that were not enough, to really take advantage of these formulas to find a partner it is essential to have something that I lack: patience.
"To find a partner on a dating app, it is advisable to invest about 30 minutes a day for a week, and it can take
up to six months
to find someone," says psychologist Lara Ferreiro.
But if I'm unable to put something in the microwave for two minutes and without taking it out before the 120 seconds are up... How can I wait so long to find someone?
Back to the image
Apps can be harmful to self-love.
Let's keep in mind that, although we are aware that
no one is as handsome as their Tinder photo
(or as horrible as their passport photo), these apps are full of women who look like they come out of 'Temptation Island'.
"How are they going to choose me when I have such candidates?" I ask myself every time I open an app.
It's even worse when I match, because then I get
insecure
about whether that person is going to run away when they see me off the screen.
I'm tempted to only upload those photos that you accidentally take when your phone plays tricks on you and the front camera catches you by surprise, without filters and with more double chin than dignity.
This way, if I match with someone, when they show up on the date, they will think I'm beautiful;
No?
hateful comparisons
I am aware that perhaps the person who stops talking to you does so because
you have bored him,
because the conversation was going nowhere (where are all those elevator conversations going?) or in my head, because he has suffered a fatal accident due to that has never given signs again.
However, I actually tend to think he's found someone better.
A prettier one, much funnier and noticeably more intelligent.
To someone who does deserve a response, with whom to go on a trip and with whom to make long-term plans without the couple considering fleeing the country.
Not with you, but with someone else
One of the common problems in love gaps is finding someone who
is not emotionally available,
but for some reason, instead of instantly understanding that the other person does not want to have a relationship with you, or with anyone, the thought settles in your head. belief that the problem is you.
The worrying thing is that it is not strange that someone who is not emotionally available, in an unexpected turn, suddenly becomes available and pairs up with someone shortly after, a direct punch to the stomach that definitively undermines your self-esteem.
This is what happens, by the way, in the movie '500 days of Summer', which comes to portray what we today call
situationships
(I curse them with all my energy) and which tells the story of an almost-couple in which He wants to have a relationship while she prefers to navigate that sentimental limbo without labels.
However, when they separate and meet again some time later, she is married.
"I just woke up one day and knew," Summer tells him.
"What did you know?"
"What I was never sure about with you," she blurts out.
Ouch.
Strengths and weaknesses
When these things happen, another torture mechanism can come into play: comparison.
I always compare myself to the new partners of my 'exes' (who are radically opposite to me, which is why apparently they come out so horrified by the experience that they look for my antithesis) and I end up
making a tartare of what I have left of me. heart,
which is possibly now like those little jars of grated beets.
In this painful exercise of masochistic comparison, I manage to fit my self-esteem into a thimble and tend to
magnify my flaws
(which I also collect), thus ensuring that when I meet someone again, it is with a new layer of insecurities.
At this very moment, I estimate I have about 175 layers of fears and complexes, and of them, at least 30 are new.
At least I always go to the premiere, right?
You have to know how to speak
Since self-esteem is my Achilles heel, my poor psychologist, to whom I am paying the house, sent me a reading with which I discovered that, as if that were not enough, my lack of self-love is responsible for my being quite
clumsy. when expressing my feelings.
"Just as important as it is to know how to defend yourself, sue and claim, it is also vitally important to express feelings. This issue costs many more people than you think and those who do it will be demonstrating that they really have a healthy self-esteem," writes Olga Castanyer Mayer-Spiess in 'Assertiveness, expression of healthy self-esteem'.
But how am I going to express feelings if I'm one rejection away from becoming a crybaby with legs?
In short, if I finally dare to express something, I am not going to ask for someone to appear, but rather to have
self-confidence, self-love and a little bit of security.
And I'm going to ask anyone who doesn't want anything serious and starts acting as if he does, to sign up for film school, because he has talent.
If I wanted to be with someone who gave a damn about me, I'd be with my manager.
Couples