The fault always lies with the parents (regarding the school results of the Pisa Report)
Why do relationships last so little today (is there anything we can do to avoid it?)
My
mother
is a
rebel.
At 91 years old she is as
independent
as she has been her entire life.
At least, in thought.
So much so that it is often
impossible to convince her
to do things that, in the opinion of us, her daughters, would benefit her enormously, or to stop her from doing things that, we are sure, harm her.
I'll give you an example: for some time now her neck has been hurting a lot, almost all the time.
The specialists she has seen may have given her different opinions on how to approach the problem.
But they have all agreed on something very specific: "Madam, keep warm."
From the traumatologist to the family doctor to the acupuncturist to the radiologist:
"Get warm."
Do you think it's gotten hot?
No.
"I just don't like the heat," he told me last night.
No matter what they tell him, and even if the Pope tells him so, there is no way for him to get hot on the neck.
He also doesn't like painkillers.
He takes them very reluctantly, and most of the time, he 'forgets' them.
"I don't like taking so many pills," he argues in his 'defense'.
But the fact is that the pain is still there.
And she keeps complaining about him.
None of her disobedience brings him more advantage than, and this is a mere supposition, the pleasure of doing what he really wants.
A dynamic that leads nowhere
Inevitably, due to issues like this and many others with similar dynamics, the mother-son relationship, but especially mother-daughter (the culture of care is much more screwed into our brains), ends up suffering.
You try to make your mother live better, for her to do 'what she has to do' and your mother shows the porosity of a titanium jug in response to your suggestions and requests.
Repetition of her behavior to you generates exhaustion, frustration and anger.
And one day you hear yourself telling your mother things you would never have imagined;
She tries all the strategies, including the most 'creeping' ones, so that she gets hot, takes the pills, goes outside, eats without salt, moves her legs, obeys her doctor...
Inevitably, no matter how little sensitivity you have, there will come a time when you wonder:
am I doing it right?
Why doesn't my mother listen to reason?
And, much further: why am I treating my mother as if she were actually my little daughter?
Do I have the right to do it?
If she doesn't want to get hot, should I let her do whatever she wants without insisting further?
What is more important, the heat or our relationship?
[Before continuing, we talk about mothers and not fathers because at those ages there are many more mothers than fathers.
In Spain there are 2.3 million widows for 539,000 widowers, because female life expectancy is much greater than male life expectancy.
In any case, everything said in this article is applicable to those stubborn parents who also resist being
guided].
And now, we ask the experts
María Ibáñez and Jesús Jiménez,
from the Madrid office
of Psychology and Introspection,
what the psychological consequences may be if, over time, we begin to treat our elders as if they were little children: "It is true that in many cases there is a change in the relationships between parents and children in which the
parents begin to be treated as children
instead of as adults. When this occurs, the parents often feel
despised
, 'tolerated' by the children ,
as a burden;
other times
belittled
and used, because despite being treated like children, they are often still asked to do things for their children or grandchildren. Of course this has a
high psychological effect,
although it will also depend on each individual. person".
This feeling of being devalued and belittled, or a burden, explain Jiménez and Ibáñez, leads them to confront "a state of vulnerability, inferiority and often
incomprehension
and
loneliness
, even if they are physically accompanied. In many cases, their
perception of life becomes gray,
sad, and depression, manifest or hidden, causes them to suffer intensely, which can increase their psychosomatic symptoms.
It is inevitable to ask next if this 'treating parents like children' has any advantages, given the frequency with which it is practiced.
"No, from a psychological point of view, not at all," respond Jiménez and Ibáñez.
"All human beings must be treated with respect and trying to collaborate with each other. Of course, if that person has dementia, for example, we must adapt to the circumstances, but not because of age, but because of their particular circumstances." Treating the elderly as 'elders' or as 'children', psychologically speaking, is a distortion of this society, which above all values the body, appearance and, consequently, youth. It generates a contempt for age, the so-called
ageism,
without taking into account the person in all their depth".
Freedom to decide
In my interview with
Anna Freixas
a little less than two years ago, about her book 'I, Old Woman', a manifesto (but not only) in defense of old age, I asked her precisely about the above, about our tendency to treating our elders, progressively but unstoppably, as if they were little children.
"It's a
perversion of love,"
she told me.
To add below: "The best thing our
children
can do is
love us little.
That doesn't mean not being there when we need them. But that
they give us the freedom that we gave them
at the time. We gave them the freedom to buy a motorcycle, to leave a race, to separate... and we have always been there. So, that they are there when we go kayaking and break our hips! Or is it that their fear that I will break my hip? is that you are going to have to take care of me? What comes first, that or my freedom?
My freedom.
If my son loves me, he will do everything possible to get me out, to travel, to put me in a situation where Things can happen to me; things that can also happen to him.
Freixas
speaks from his professional experience, but also from his personal one.
He is 78 years old
and claims, among other things, that both parties, the 'old women' and their children, build a
new way of living old age.
This means stopping considering older people as passive, recipients of measures, without counting on them for their design;
invalid, even if they are not;
individuals, not a category, that of 'grandmothers'.
But achieving it also depends on the older people themselves, their
self-description
, the way they present themselves to the world.
In fact, Freixas recommends that older women not give up
control of their lives
to others.
For example, when a
family member accompanies you to the doctor,
she advises:
"Inform the doctor
who is talking to your companion [instead of talking to you] about your ailments
that you are there,
that it is about your body and your decisions." ".
What Freixas is saying is that
if you give up control...
then it will be very difficult for you to get it back.
These toxic dynamics that can be created between older parents and children find their ideal breeding ground in the progressive
renunciation
that older people themselves make of their
decision-making capacity.
We give up part of our freedom in exchange for greater security.
But that is an open road that can hardly be closed again.
The Psychology and Introspection experts also agree with the above: "
Vulnerability
due to the
loss of capabilities
can cause parents to adopt the attitude of 'psychological elderly' or 'helpless children', trying to seek support or care, which can "turn against them. There are other parents who try not to let themselves be controlled by their children, and that is where a psychological battle between them usually begins."
Health, at the center of everything
Without a doubt,
health
is one of the main
issues of friction
between these two generations 'condemned' to understand each other.
"Don't limit yourself for your own good," suggests Freixas, "if by eating chocolate we are going to die sooner, bless her. At least we will die happy and enjoyed."
A few years ago, a letter from an 87-year-old reader to a newspaper made the same point.
The man complained that his son was determined to walk five kilometers a day, lose weight, eat healthy... "he wants to see me as younger," he wrote.
And he wondered, "Why doesn't he leave me alone and settle for my current body?"
It's easy to say, but it's also important to put yourself
in the shoes of the caregiver.
Your mother is lactose intolerant, but it is impossible to stop her from eating a croquette when it is put in front of her in a restaurant.
And she says, we've already messed up for the umpteenth time.
What do we do with your mother, do we kill her for eating croquettes?
Shall we give him the umpteenth rant for exactly the same issue?
"In these cases," explain Jesús Jiménez and María Ibáñez, "both people suffer. To recover well-being and normalize relationships, each one must
face their fears
and
frustrations
, not disrespect each other, talk, explain each one what they worry about the other and look for solutions.
Anger is never a solution.
In the case of the daughter you mention, she must learn to
resolve her fears to respect her mother's decisions,
her fear of getting worse, of losing her,
of guilt
if "It doesn't force her. It doesn't mean that she doesn't try to explain her reasons and understand her point of view, but if the mother doesn't want to do something, her decision must be respected, except in very obvious cases of force majeure."
Two different perspectives on life
Experts explain the need to take into account the very different perspectives that mothers and daughters can have, in this case.
"A nonagenarian mother will probably have a
very different vision of life than her daughter.
It is surely much worse for her to have a bad relationship with her daughter, to be afraid of arguing with her, than to lose the possibility of taking a medicine that improves her health. "This, we insist, as long as that person is in possession of his or her psychic faculties. Not wanting to take medicine, by itself, is not a loss of psychic faculties."
Okay,
so what do we do?
Should we discreetly withdraw?
Should we leave the forum?
"We must keep in mind that one person can be very old and have an
active, orderly mind,
and another person can be younger and have a disordered, chaotic mind. Therefore, the important thing is not to treat a person just for age, but to know
if he is capable of understanding what benefits and harms him,
if he can
make his decisions aware of the consequences.
According to this state of mind, he can act for the benefit of the person, but not only for physical benefit. ", also emotional, psychological. We know that a case like this is hard and difficult, but we must try to do our best
without spoiling the relationship,
and be able to resolve fears to correctly face the events."
...And not forget the oblivion
Another of the big mistakes we usually make when communicating with our older mothers is
getting angry
at how easily
they forget things.
Including things we have told them, asked them for, or agreed with them.
As if getting angry would solve anything!
Although the book 'Journeys to Unimaginable Lands' by
Dasha Kiper
(Asteroid Books) is focused on the minds of people with dementia and their caregivers, at one point it deals with something that affects a very high percentage of older people and their caregivers. and close ones:
memory loss
and how it becomes a
conflict.
"It's common," he says, "that most caregivers can't help but ask loudly: 'But don't you remember anymore?!'; a question that frustrates practically everyone, including themselves. caregiver, who knows better than anyone that the patient is unable to remember.
He goes on to explain how "given the way a
'normal' memory works,
losing it to someone we know well is perceived more as an
act of betrayal
than as a neurological deficit."
At the end of the day, he justifies with understanding, caregivers end up feeling
neglected
to the extent that the other frequently ignores their "words, efforts and sacrifices."
Moral: breathe deeply and stop getting angry and reproaching the other person for their forgetfulness.
Nobody forgets for pleasure, quite the opposite.
Having to repeat the same thing a thousand times can be uncomfortable, but being reproached a thousand times for how poorly your head works, or being blamed for it, is hell.
Psychology