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No one doubts whether to cut off a finger or not, but not all decisions are so crystal clear. There are those who get into an infinite loop and their brain never stops turning over a past choice: What if I had married that boyfriend? What if I hadn't accepted this job? What would my life be like? Was I right or was my decision a huge mistake? These thoughts, full of conditionals, pluperfects,
conjectures
in short, can become a burden if they dominate us.
Thus, one can remain stranded in one's ruminations and be tormented by what, perhaps, could have been and was not. What is the use of so much doubt in the past? Is the decision really reversible? Dr. Xavier Fàbregas i Pedrell, medical director of
Mas Ferriol
and specialist in mental health disorders, explains that this need to review and rethink everything "generates dissatisfaction, insecurity and
discomfort
."
However, the doctor clarifies that it is understandable to stop, reflect and think carefully about what decision to make in the case of very transcendental matters, such as "having children, buying a house, emigrating to another country, etc." But, in these cases in which the dilemmas are not only minor but have already been resolved, "why create
bad blood
?"
The impertinence of getting hooked on the dynamic of continuous review of decisions is, above all, that they come to flood every dilemma of the many that we face every day: "People who live in permanent doubt have an
exhausting
situation " , says Dr. Fàbregas. And it is also a trait of immaturity, since they do not manage uncertainties well. He provides a trick: "You have to think that if you have decided something it is because you have had valid arguments for them. And it is time to defend them," he maintains.
Xavier Fàbregas tells the case of a patient as an example: she sold her apartment at a time of affordable prices and, shortly after, the real estate market took a hit. "Think again that she made a bad sale. If you can't change it, why give it any more thought? If you consider it a mistake, you have to accept it and be consistent."
Put your decisions in this 'quadrant'
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To put a little order in the decisions we make but, above all, in the doubts that arise after having chosen, the doctor proposes a kind of quadrant where two concepts intersect: desire and need. Thus, he establishes four possible scenarios:
I like it and I need it
. These include the things that we would always do and, therefore, we never need to reconsider their convenience. For example, we would not delegate reading a good night story to our children to another person even if we could pay another person for this purpose.
I don't like it but I need it
. We do them because we have no choice. Housework can be a good example. Until your circumstances change and you can, if you wish, hire a person to take care of them, do it and that's it.
I like it and I don't need it
. The pleasures are framed here. In order not to doubt whether it is appropriate to do them or not or feel remorse, we must "make them aware that they give us happiness." "We deserve them."
I don't like it and I don't need it
. Dr. Fàbregas says that we should never do these acts. That we must leave them behind without any regrets. This includes, for example, those visits or events that we attend out of pure commitment. "Being clear is very liberating."
Why is it so difficult for us to decide?
Paula is 36 years old and has a work life full of travel. She comes and goes as she pleases, with a social agenda typical of an 'influencer'. She has a partner, but he is much younger and has little or no intention of starting a family in the short term. Paula knows that his age is already critical
if she wants to have children
, but does she want to? In those, she has not really found an answer to her concerns for several years, but she returns to them every so often.
Isabel's doubts, however, are of a work nature. She's just been
offered a promotion
and she has a few weeks to decide. Salary increase versus hostile colleagues and strict time control. Every day she sleeps on it: she analyzes the pros and cons and imagines all the possible scenarios, but she still does
n't get out of the labyrinth
.
Carmen, on the other hand, is a banking manager. She is used to making decisions and being very executive. She doubts, of course, but she calibrates, evaluates and chooses quickly. She is clear: "
Decision made, right decision
." It is clear that not all of us react the same when faced with a dilemma.
'Vital decisions. The difficult thing is not to decide, but to know'
(Plataforma Actual, 2024) is the title of the book by Pep Marí, performance psychologist, trainer and lecturer. One of its chapters, 'Why is it so difficult for me to decide?', puts its finger on this sore: "It is difficult for you to decide because you are not clear about the objective of the decision or it is difficult for you to find the path to follow because you do not know where you are going," says Mari.
But what if you have all the information you need and you are also clear about the objective? "So, Houston, we have a problem: lack of trust," she says. If that is exactly what happens to you, that you do not trust in making good decisions, this is your recipe: on the one hand, you have to change the criterion of success, which means that if
you regret six of ten important decisions
, you have not suspended, because the normal thing is to fail. And the second: face your fear of deciding with... decisions. If talking about something transcendental blocks you, decide and
'train'
with other more trivial topics.
Five keys to clear a doubt
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Fabiola Cuevas, psychologist and founder of
Desansiedad
, explains that having doubts is normal, and that really, no decision is good or bad in itself. However, if you need some keys to 'unstuck', here are five:
You are no less for doubting.
Doing so is normal. It will help you clarify to think about what is the worst that could happen and if that is really possible. You will relieve the pressure.
Make a list of advantages and disadvantages
of the options you have in mind. Facing the cons will make you stronger to face them.
Connect with your emotion.
Think about which choice gives you the most peace of mind, because not everything is about 'rational' arguments, especially because it is not possible for you to know all the possible consequences of your decision.
Arm yourself with courage.
Act and trust that whatever you decide, everything will be fine, without taking into account other people's opinions after that choice.
Live by that decision
, and don't blame or punish yourself if it didn't turn out to be what you wanted. New decisions will come and, who knows, maybe you will be able to return to that discarded path.
Psychology