Reconstituted families or how to avoid the 'you're not my dad': "I have the same authority over my son as my husband, even if he is not his biological father"

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• Crianza Adrián, 'father by commitment' with two shared custody in Madrid and Menorca: "I live on the edge, but I couldn't let go of my children"

• Mother's Day Estela, blind and mother: "I do the best I can, like everyone else"

Families with a father, mother and two children have the label of normality, but they are not the only tribes that exist. If we have seen anything in recent decades, it is that the concept of

diversity

has permeated homes and relationships and has transformed them decisively. Same-sex couples, single-parent groups, mothers who live with their son and his girlfriend (his), polyamorous relationships under the same roof... In short, society takes its paths, whether they are on the margins of the normative or circulate through the very center of the 'mainstream' highway.

Reconstituted, assembled, extended or linked families

are

not new and are in that alternative orbit. They are those in which at least one of the two members of the couple brings children from a previous relationship, whether or not they live under the same roof.

"I prefer to use linked ones rather than reconstituted ones, because it seems that you have fixed something that was broken," explains

Sandra Martín

. Her family is an example of this and as a result of her experience, she now accompanies others like hers to overcome her own challenges as an educator in positive discipline.

She married her longtime boyfriend and they had a son who is now 10 years old. When the child was not yet three, Sandra met another man, also with a partner. There were crushes and respective separations. After five months he moved from Barcelona to Bilbao to live with her and her son, and they have been there for seven months now. Two more creatures have come from this relationship. They are a large family and also linked.

"With linked families there are many prejudices, especially with women. They tell us that 'who is going to love you with a child,'" she says. She also points out the differences in treatment based on sex: "They said my husband was very nice for accepting my child. On the other hand, if it had been me, they would say that I wanted to

supplant his mother

. There is a lot of misunderstanding," she says. the Mint.

"We need understanding"

D.R.

Sandra experiences first-hand the challenges of her family and knows, through her professional experience, those of others like hers. Her first request is "

understanding

." "We all have difficulties in living together, but in our case there are more factors that can complicate everything, such as an ex who does not collaborate, or a partner who does not treat non-biological children equally. Therefore, above all, we need , that they look at us well", he is sincere.

Behind closed doors, he considers communication essential: clearly determining what the role of each person will be in that new family, thus establishing limits that offer a safe framework for coexistence. "But those limits can be reviewed at any time. Nothing has to be definitive. The key is to talk," he asserts. In his personal case, he says: "I have the same authority over my son as my husband, even though he is not his biological father. That is what we have decided."

Problems can easily arise when this point is not clear. It is obvious that the issue of children is thorny, and it is not advisable to have gaps: "Even if there is an absent father or mother, the one who arrives

still does not take his place

. You are a new figure and you have to find your place. If not, misunderstandings occur that can

break up the couple

," explains the educator.

And all this in a situation where there are not even words to name these satisfying relationships: stepmother, stepson? "My son calls his father 'aita' and my husband 'papi'."

A growing reality, although 'invisible'

Still from the series 'Modern Family'.IMDB

Although we all see in our immediate environment couples with children who separate and who, both or one, rebuild their lives with others, the data is necessary to, where appropriate, implement policies that protect all types of families.

The latest study 'Reconstituted families in Spain', carried out by the UNAF (

Union of Family Associations

), compares data from 2001 and 2011: "In 2001 there were 234,587 families in Spain in which at least one of the members of the couple had children from a previous relationship. These families represented 1.6% of total households and 3.6% of households formed by a couple and their children. In 2011, the number of reconstituted families

was close to half a million

, which "represents 2.7% of all households, and 6.9% of those made up of a couple with children."

But in that same study they maintain that this is a

downward estimate

, while there are many realities that remain invisible. For example: "Data is only collected from people who live permanently in the home, so it is not possible to identify those families in which non-common children do not live with the couple. This is the most frequent situation, however , when it is the father who has established a new relationship after the breakup. It is possible, therefore, that many of the children registered in

single-parent

homes are at the same time members of a family reconstituted by the father."

With or without cohabitation: any formula is possible

Mediaset

Within reconstituted families there is also diversity. Unlike that represented by 'Los Serrano', the famous Telecinco series, in which the characters of

Antonio Resines and Belén Rueda

were united with their respective children under the same roof, Clara Romero's testimony tells a different reality.

She separated from her husband and took custody of her two children. A classmate of her daughter's had just been orphaned, and the two girls became inseparable. "Her father wanted to meet me for that reason, but since then we have not been separated again," she says. 15 years have passed since that coincidence and Clara is very clear about the reasons for her partner's success: "We live very close, we have made many plans together, but each one in his own home. He was widowed with three very young children and so were mine. "They were. We believed it was the best and it has worked.

Everyone educates their children. I didn't want to take their mother's place

," she says emphatically.

Issues? Potholes? "We have had small crisis cabinets, because four of our children were in class together. It is normal for there to be fights, jealousy... But from the beginning we were clear that the children

could not handle our relationship

." And so it has been. Now, already at university, they are beginning to fly the nest: "On the weekends I go to his house, but I am clear that in three or four years we will live together," she says.

If I'm not your father, who am I?

The challenges faced by connected or blended families, together with the number of people it affects, make it a group with specific needs. For this reason, the UNAF has a

Reconstituted Families Care Service

, whose manager is

Gregorio Gullón.

One of the most decisive and distinctive challenges is knowing what place each member should occupy, especially when it comes to adults. "In nuclear families everyone knows who they are and what role they play, but in reconstituted ones there is a lot of confusion and ambiguity about the extent to which they can intervene with

their partner's children.

They don't even have a clear name, because '

stepfather

' or 'stepmother' 'Not everyone likes it,' says Gullón.

In adolescence, a stage in which kids separate from their parents, the situation can be more complex, since the common aggravating factor of rejection of authority is added. "In those cases, where children become very territorial, a new adult just arrives and we ask them to bond."

And here we go: more conflicts arise if it is the mother who has a new partner. "A man appears with new rules and the conflict is over," she continues. For this reason, Gullón maintains that in the UNAF consultancies they work a lot on couple bonds, since the numerous elements of stress they suffer cause more breakups than in nuclear families. An example: "The couple reprimands the teenager because he has spoken badly to her mother. He will tell her

'you are not my father'

and she, on the other hand, will also feel questioned." Therefore, "it is important to take great care of the relationship. If not, the children

will sabotage

it ."

Many coexistence conflicts are minimized if adults have clearly established what their roles are with each other's children. "This prevents one from feeling like a zero on the left if they are not allowed to give their opinion on some issue of education, for example," adds Gullón. One recommendation from the expert is that the couple act as

'good cops'

, especially at the beginning: "They should move away from a very normative role and approach them more from a playful perspective. The most important thing is to understand that they are not going to occupy the position of nobody. If not, there will be rejection for sure," he concludes.

• Couples

• couple relationships