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Teenage children? Are you in this trance? We already know that there will be those who live with their former children in peace and harmony, but... how many will there be? Two families in Spain? Five, if we talk about all of Europe? That's where things will go... Jokes aside, the normal thing is to go through adolescence with some or other torment, since the transition from child to adult is characterized by effervescence, the
search for identity
, separation from parents and a well-fed etcetera of changes.
Psychologists say that (almost) everything is normal: bad faces, permanent cyclothymia, monosyllables, a messy room, friends as the only religion... And again, another long etcetera, where that that teenagers do not listen to their parents. They, with the aim of educating in their values and redirecting the suspense, the bottles, the screens... wear themselves out
talk after talk
until they are completely devastated. Do the children listen to them?
The issue is so important that Jordi Nomen, a Philosophy professor for 30 years, has written
'How to talk to a teenager and make him listen to you'
(Arpa, 2024), where he addresses the issues that concern parents, read: friends, emotions, digital identity, sexuality, leisure... A teacher at the innovative Sadako school in Barcelona, he is the author of 'The Philosopher Boy', translated into six languages.
Harp
You talk about adolescence as a stage of self-determination. To follow the analogy, are we parents the oppressive State? No, but that is how they experience it. I speak of self-determination because they advance towards their maturity, their autonomy, to decide for themselves and to become stronger in the face of life. If they don't achieve this, we are leaving them unprotected. For that, they have to break up with their parents, even if it is painful. For them it is too and they don't know how to manage it. Parents see how two days ago they had a child on their knees who now does not speak to them, or does not look at them or looks at them badly. It is important to keep in mind that it is nothing personal. Many times it seems that they do not love us...This stage is very necessary and must be fulfilled. Only in this way will they be able to grow and, if necessary, educate their own children. But that breakup does not mean that they forget everything or that they do not love us. It's not that they don't look at us, but that they do it out of the corner of their eye. As a teacher, I ask them what is the most important thing in life and they always answer family and then friends. Many will find it hard to believe. Yes, but it is reality. Sometimes in Philosophy class I allude to the fact that parents will not live forever and there is always absolute silence. A few days ago a mother called me because when she got home her daughter hugged her with an enthusiasm that she had not seen in months. They only live in the present. As adults we have to grieve their childhood and build a different bond with them. If we don't let them be teenagers and continue treating them like children, we overprotect them and hurt them. Are parents always to blame for everything? Adults are not guilty. Parents do the best they can, as do teachers. In adolescents, thinking evolves faster than emotions. They don't know how to manage them and they do it badly. That is why it is so important that we have as much self-control as possible and that we do not lose our temper. We will give an example. What do we have to do to talk to them and get them to tell us their things? A teenager is never going to tell everything, we have to accept it. But if you propose to talk about what they like, not you, you start conversations that seem banal but are important. Gossip, football, video games, influencers... Maybe you don't want to talk about this, and you do want to talk about drugs and sex, but it is important to open a channel of trust with them. So, when they need you for something 'serious', they look for you. If it happens, you have to drop everything and take care of them. And how should we adults face those conversations? We have to talk about the things that happen to them, despite the modesty. We have to talk about periods, about sex... if not, they will turn to porn. But that's not 'sit down and we're going to talk'. The strategy is to enter indirectly, through things that happen to your friends, for example. In class I pose everyday dilemmas, such as what to do if a condom breaks.We think they are the most informed generation in the world because they have the internet, but no.
Harp
What purpose is Philosophy for kids? I don't do History of Philosophy, but I philosophize with them. It helps them introspect. The other day, a 3rd ESO student presented a work called 'What do teenagers hide behind their strong character?'. Her response was fear of failure, insecurity about not being accepted, and pressure to fit into the idea of devastating normality. Here you can see very well that they live on a roller coaster. They believe they are immortal and have difficulty managing their emotions, so they need good examples and unconditionality from adults, letting them know that we are there whenever they want. At the same time, they have tremendous energy to be happy, have a good time and enjoy their first times. They do not live in bitterness. Many parents are scared by everything teenagers do. What is normal and what is not? There are no universal recipes. Parents and teachers have to have a radar on their changes and see if they are specific, repetitive or even contradictory. For example, if a girl starts worrying about her figure and stops eating, you have to worry. Alcohol? You have to be clear that they will come home drunk one day, it's normal, but if these changes intensify, if they get worse, if they are obsessive... you have to seek help. Love here is not enough. What dimension exactly does your presenteeism have? Your now is very, very short. If we tell them that they have to study and plan three weeks in advance, they don't accept it. They will do it the day before, period. They receive messages to live in the moment and they comply, but this must be managed well because they believe that the future does not exist and is not true. Although when they hear us say that they should prepare for their future, it sounds old to them. It is better to approach it from the side of 'I love you and that is why I want you to be the best version of yourself. Cultivated, free...'. But three lines at most, because they disconnect immediately. The advice, very brief, and not when they are speaking. We must not interrupt them. And if they say something that doesn't seem right to us, don't we intervene either? Not at that moment. The next morning you can bring it up. 'I didn't like what you said yesterday' or 'it worried me'. But you don't have to 'catch up'. We are the ones who must contain ourselves. They don't, because they don't know and that's why they can't. There are teenagers who don't want to invest two hours of time in watching a movie. Is this due to the influence of screens? Yes, they are used to things that are short, fast, and direct, and it can be difficult for them to read or watch a movie. But we cannot prohibit screens because we live in a digital age, although we must educate them in their use. Moments of disconnection are needed, but so is everyone, parents. They detect inconsistencies very quickly. What demons take us most often is not so much what they do, but rather their attitude. What do we do? It is important to know that people are much more than their attitude,although that is what makes us lose control. Adults are human, we do what we can and with love. But if we tell him 'you're miserable', we don't allow him to stop being miserable. It's another thing to say 'that attitude doesn't seem right to me, I expect more from you'. This way we leave them room and do not harm their self-esteem. That doesn't mean that we don't set limits or punishments, because they need compasses, but without hurting them. Saying that they do everything wrong is very hard, because what is left behind the 'everything'? Nothing. They have to comply with rules and negotiate with it, but from serenity. It sounds easy, but...The most important thing is to keep in mind that you leave adolescence and that the journey can be beautiful. I can only recommend four things: calm, calm, calm and calm.
Maternity
Teenagers