How to survive that hot friend who takes all the boys
Is fucking doomed to failure?
The lights and shadows of (trying to) flirt at 37 years old
There are few things as harmful in the sentimental panorama as the figure of the
tormented genius,
the one who responds to the man who, between bottles of whiskey, Moleskine notebooks and cigarettes,
hides behind his intellectuality
and the vagaries of his (VERY) gray matter to justify behave like a
real jerk.
We are faced with a new example of how, since men have always been the owners of cultural power (and of all the others, why deny it), they have known how to construct a
popular imaginary
at will, which is what has led to endless from
movies
,
series
and
books
where this figure has been described as
irresistible.
"They have been able to sell us really well that
rebellious and nonconformist men
are
attractive
,
mysterious
and
romantic
guys who need someone by their side who is capable of 'fixing' their problematic history. They need someone who understands them, who supports them, who "Take care and be there
unconditionally.
And guess who that someone is... It's you! How much damage does this
false myth
of the
man with problems, tragic and tormented,
profiled as an attractive and interesting person who needs to be saved!" explains
Eva Gutiérrez,
author of 'If it is toxic it is not love'. "He instills in us the idea that we are the ones who must be the saviors of this stereotype of a complicated man. The idea of a couple formed by a complicated man with a woman who understands him and takes care of him only perpetuates the myth that a "A man with problems can be 'rescued' by a woman who takes care of him. And this
reinforces completely stereotyped gender roles
in relationships that make us continue
to
associate
complexity
with the
masculine
and
care
with the
feminine,"
he says.
Tormented genius VS problematic heavy
A
tormented genius
works on the big screen, as it helps the plot have setbacks and script twists that make the script move forward and be attractive, but do we really want a second-rate
Bob Fosse
with self-control problems in our lives? The curious thing is that when it is a
woman
who turns out to be somewhat 'complicated', she is immediately covered with 'red flags' that make men consider her not a genius, but rather a
conflict with legs.
"Once again we are assuming
typical gender roles
that, in addition to not being real, do us a lot of harm. We live in a society of double standards, which judges men and women differently for similar behaviors. Characteristics such as
harshness
, "
Independence
and
complexity
are attractive to men, but they are not accepted for women, who must be
submissive
,
weak
and
caring
," says the psychologist, specialist in relationships.
While the
tormented genius
- that man who always carries a book under his arm and quotes
Baudelaire
with the tranquility with which the rest blink - has been erected by the imagination and pop culture as an irresistible being, we find that Intelligence in women is not always a magnet for them. That's what
Mona Chollet
says in 'Reinventing love. How patriarchy sabotages heterosexual relationships'. The author points out that the heterosexual woman "who does not submit to those small or large alterations of herself that traditional femininity demands, risks
putting her love life in danger,"
unless she finds a man "who is not afraid be mocked or ridiculed. And so the so-called
love dumping
comes into play ,
which refers to the way in which women sometimes have to pretend not to be so smart in order to flirt. Are you getting angry? Don't worry: us too. And even more so after learning that a study called '(Psychological) Distance Makes the Heart Grow Fonder' has come to the conclusion that although
men like the idea of dating an
intelligent woman,
when it comes to reality, they are not interested.
Erick Pescador Albiach,
sociologist, sexologist and specialist in
Development of the Culture of Care
, believes that the conclusion of the study is correct. "
Emotionally and intellectually,
a model of a woman who is not too intelligent, nor too assertive, nor too free is still much more attractive to men. That is to say:
for many men
(the majority), a
dumb and stupid woman
is still
more erotic ."
defenseless or not very autonomous.
Many men continue to get aroused by defenseless and submissive women," he says. "In other words, many men are scared and cut off from desire by a woman who is intelligent, free, with clear things and who claims her desires and pleasures, and/or her rights." Ouch. Can someone serve us a lime tree, please?
There is light at the end of the tunnel
The good news is that things seem to be finally changing. This is revealed by a recent
Bumble
study , which states that last year, when talking about
relationships
,
25% of men
said they had
actively changed their behavior,
showing themselves more vulnerable and open. As if that were not enough, this change in attitude has had a positive impact on mental health for a quarter of them, with 32% even saying that
a lack of vulnerability is now a deal-breaker in dating.
"That traditional masculinity associated with a type of man who is strong, confident, brave, a leader and who does not show his feelings is beginning to be questioned... It is an
idea of a man
that is totally
unreal
and
unattainable.
We are beginning to remove that halo romantic to the idea of a complicated man who needs to be rescued by a partner, so, little by little, we begin to embrace a more diverse, equitable and real vision of what it means to 'be a man', challenging and redefining the norms and traditional expectations associated with masculinity. There is still a long way to go, but we are working on it," explains Eva Gutierrez, who finally lists the five red flags that have to push us to flee from the relationship, the date or what We have at hand:
lack of clear communication,
emotional instability,
resistance
to
opening up emotionally,
excessive
need for attention
and
manipulation.
Tormented geniuses
are
perfect on paper, but in real life, they are themselves an
immense red flag.
Okay, a red flag that reads a lot and that projects a dangerously attractive shadow, but that announces danger, lack of control and emotional inaccessibility, when what we want is to get into the sea when there is a green flag to swim in complete tranquility.
couple relationships