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That babies fall like a meteorite on a couple is a reality that is only understood in its full dimension when experienced firsthand. It doesn't matter if the books, the Instagram reels, the mothers and mothers-in-law, the friends have warned about it. A child lands in your living room and the whole house ends up upside down.

The French psychiatrist Bernard Geberowicz named

this

hecatomb

in a book with an explanatory subtitle: 'The baby-clash. The child-proof couple (De Vecchi Ediciones, 2005).

When you leave the hospital, the time comes to reposition yourself on a multitude of levels (social, sexual, emotional, work...) but, be careful, the restructuring of individuals and the couple has to be done in the midst of the demands of the new creature and with a

dream

that is almost always atrocious. They do not seem, a priori, to be the best paths to build a new road, but it is what it is. And of course, the potholes come.

Sometimes couples navigate the cracks and other times they end up broken. Alicia Jiménez just turned 50. She married at 28; At 29 she had her first daughter; and at 30 she got divorced. She never thought about raising the girl alone, but she made the decision when the baby was not yet one year old. "Our relationship was strange, but I didn't have much to compare it to and I saw it as normal. When our daughter was born I realized things that I didn't know or did

n't want to see

before ," she says.

Alicia clarifies that the pregnancy was desired by both, although she, who is a child educator, had more initiative to start a family. "When the girl was born, he

continued to live his life

the same way. He didn't take responsibility and if we went on vacation with friends, for example, he would go partying and I would stay home. He was a bit of Peter Pan," she says. The idea of ​​a separation with a little girl who was only a few months old barely held the marriage together, but the relationship grew cold irreversibly.

"I convinced him to go to therapy, but he only attended one session. We tried going on vacation alone, but he wanted us to sleep in two

separate beds

... He was always not very affectionate, but that was too much. I took the step and went to a lawyer," Alicia recalls. There the myth of romantic love fell apart, by virtue of which she wanted to be his wife for life and have more children. That happened, but with another man. "We have grown in different directions. I suppose we would have ended up separating anyway, but it would have taken longer. Having my daughter opened my eyes," she concludes.

Wear and tear from upbringing, the main reason for divorce

Frame from the series 'This is not Sweden', about a couple in the middle of their upbringing who separate.RTVE

According to the

IV AEAFA Family Law Observatory

(Spanish Association of Family Lawyers), published in 2022, the main reasons why a couple divorces are: the wear and tear caused by the stress of raising children and/or work (very common reason in

32% of cases

, say the lawyers themselves); falling out of love (24%); infidelity (21%); economic difficulties (17%); and discrepancies in children's education (14%).

These data revealed by the survey that AEAFA carried out among lawyers indicate that Alicia is just an example. Yo Dona has spoken with three more women who give voice to the percentages. María José Morcillo is also 50 years old and she was also the one who took the initiative to start a family. Her pregnancy was desired.

"When a child is born, everything changes. I think I adapted better, I fit the girl into my life. The responsibility of fatherhood and the

loss of the freedom

I had became great for him. When he was one and a half years old we started our separation," he says on the other end of the phone. She had an office job that kept her away from home almost all day and he, a firefighter, was able to adjust her schedule. "During the first year of life, he was the one who took care of the girl the most. He worked on the weekend and then I relieved him. The time he had free he went to play sports with his friends. I think he became saturated. That time We were more

roommates

than a married couple," he recalls.

He recognizes that their relationship took a turn and entered into a crisis, a favorable breeding ground for him to meet another. "We tried to find spaces for ourselves, but it was too late to rebuild the couple. We had a very small daughter. I tried everything, but it couldn't be." This is how 15 years of relationship ended.

"More than uniting, a child separates the couple"

Olga Panadero is now 53 years old and her son has just turned 23. On his first birthday his parents were already separated. They, like the other examples in this report, had a long-term previous relationship. "I planned to have a child, but we were ten years before without either of us wanting it. We traveled, we went out... When a child arrives, all this changes," she says.

Having just become fatherhood, he wanted to leave work, start a business, rejuvenate. "That is not the time to start risky projects. You have a mouth to keep. My husband was actually experiencing a permanent crisis that became evident when such a great responsibility arrived. He believed that

his life was over

," he analyzes.

That's how Olga got tired of taking care of a baby and also an adult alone. And she decided to separate. "I have waited 20 years to do things I wanted and now I am happy. A baby is above your priorities. Having my son and getting divorced have been the

best decisions

of my life," she concludes.

A particular 'hell' that few talk about

Mónica Felipe Larralde, expert in gender and health, and author of 'From a couple to a trio' (Ob Stare, 2014), wrote this book based on her own personal experience to which she later added those of other women whom she accompanies as professional. "I wanted to give voice to what is happening but few people named it. When a baby is born you are in your own hell but no one says a word. On the outside, you only see wonderful families," she says.

As evidenced by testimonies such as that of Olga and María José, the arrival of a child triggers essential changes. "One of them is your

scale of values

​​and place in the world. If one member of the couple continues to be very focused on work and the other is not, conflicts can arise. You may not be able to bear taking on a caregiving role, wearing a dirty tracksuit all the time. the day and the house a mess, and you prefer to continue with the professional, more socially prestigious role," he explains.

The social construction of the

eternal adolescent

is more common in men, according to this expert. "In those cases, parenthood is great for them. When they get home, they find a tired and grumpy woman who just wants to let go of the baby so she can take a shower. That's hard to sustain."

'From a couple to a trio', by Mónica Felipe LarraldeOb Stare

The intimate area, not necessarily sexual, is another facet that suffers a good romp: "Many women find it difficult to return to the sexuality they had before and prefer another

more sensual intimacy

, perhaps without penetration, especially at the beginning. The man usually experience it as a rejection or a punishment.

Mónica Felipe Larralde 'recipe', above all,

honest communication

. "Women sometimes want their partners to understand everything without putting words, but it doesn't always work. They need to be explicit and use assertive communication. Ideally, this should be before the arrival of a child. A baby

is a bomb

", he maintains. "You have to stop and talk and do self-knowledge to know who I am and what I need. Let's face it: love is not enough there," she concludes.

"It changed radically when we had the child"

Raquel Caro, in Barcelona.DR

Raquel Caro is 49 years old. Her son was born 21 years ago and that was a crucial moment in her marriage. As in the previous cases, the relationship was long-lived, but "something clicked" when the baby arrived and her husband was transformed in a surprising way. "Before she liked to be with people, go out and have fun, but then she just wanted to be home and work," she explains.

She, on the other hand, preferred to continue with her usual life, incorporating, of course, her son into the equation. "I didn't even come to family events like weddings or communions. I went everywhere alone with the child," she remembers. She, an urbanite at heart, agreed to her desire to live in a single-family home

in the outskirts

, which increased the isolation that her husband desired. "I wanted my son to live, go out, do activities, see family and friends... I thought I was doing something wrong, that I was not a good wife, but I asked him to separate. He preferred to continue," she explains.

Since the boy turned 3 years old, they practically lived as roommates.

They didn't sleep together.

They didn't have family dinner either. Raquel and her son were walking on one side; him, on the other. When the little boy was 6 years old, she thought that there was no need to wait any longer to get a divorce. And so they did.

"When he agreed to separate, I felt like he was taking

30 kilos off

my shoulders. He's still in that house, but I moved back to Barcelona. I left him a full refrigerator, with instructions on where to do the shopping, and I even hired a cleaning lady for the house. It is the best decision I have made in my life," he concludes.

  • Psychology

  • Maternity