As 'Big Brother', ubiquitous, gossip and controller that it is, Google is the best thermometer of what worries us. It is enough to scrutinize the most asked questions to run into questions such as: "how does a man behave who just wants to have sex?" or "how do you know if a man wants just an affair or something else?"

At first, the logical thing would be to think that talking and telling the intentions that people have, but that, in the times of 'ghosting', we already know that it does not happen. The next question would be to ask why these questions are usually formulated in masculine and not feminine. Is it true that they are always the ones who want 'something more' than a mere sexual relationship?

"Given that doubt, the first thing that comes to mind is another question: why do they only want something genital? Because, regardless of our gender, we should all be clear that human relationships are not simply physical acts without emotional implications or without bond," says sexologist Ana Sierra.

However, he continues, "I don't think it's true that they always want 'something more' and they don't. In my practice, in fact, I also have many men who are looking for something more, an emotional bond that does not necessarily imply being a couple."

In fact, says Sierra, "women are increasingly 'demanding' when it comes to seeing who we commit to. Despite this, it is true that the biological clock, sometimes, presses and the emotional education we have received, although it is increasingly equal, does not help either. "

Neither 'ghosting', nor 'cricketing', nor all those words ending in 'ing' that designate those sadistic techniques to pass from the other are 'licit'. "You have to be 'brave' and explain to the other person what your real intentions are. Be honest and set limits. In the end, even if it is a roll of a night or something of 'a little while', an emotional bond is established and there is an affective responsibility. Not having an emotional relationship beyond the sexual genital plane doesn't mean you don't have to treat the other person well. You have to establish a healthy relationship. You have to answer the messages, even if it is not immediately because everyone has their life and, in this era of liquid relationships and fast clicking, we also have to learn to cultivate patience. "

Clinical psychologist specialized in emotional management, neurosciences, clinical psychophysiology, sexology and couples therapy, Monia Presta dives into our biological 'design' to try to find an explanation for that 'they always want more' (emotional involvement). "Men have higher levels of testosterone, a hormone directly related to sexual desire. Women also have it high during the phase of knowledge and falling in love. In this sense we work the same in the first stage. At the same time, we seem programmed for the evolution of the species. Therefore, when a sexual relationship ends, we think about what will come next and the man does not think; the reproduction program is deactivated. Although oxytocin then does its part."

For the author of 'Your emotional brain' (RBA Books), the reason why they, although they say they only want sex, are more likely to end up getting emotionally involved is because "when we fall in love, oxytocin increases which is the hormone of the bond and, therefore, the more we repeat satisfactory sexual relations with the same person, The more that attachment is strengthened and the more we become emotionally involved. It is a mechanism that seeks stability and emotional security. We felt protected as when we were children and felt safe with our parents. In fact, the attachment system studied by the great psychologist Bowlby is repeated in the love relationships of adulthood. It is a psychobiological system that allows the survival and continuity of the species."

Beyond the purely animal, there is the 'social' issue. "Men and women have had different roles in society since time immemorial. Women tried to take care of the children, the family and the home. The men went hunting to provide for the survival of the children and the couple. Although society is changing within us, these evolving patterns are still alive."

Presta points out that "there are studies by Louanne Brizedinne that say that men have a larger size of an area of the brain related to sexual interest and women have more mirror neurons, which are related to empathy. That would also explain the difference between the two ways of acting. Women end up falling in love and getting more involved for this reason." Although Brizedinne's book has been criticized, he continues, "We know that there are differences between the male and female brain. Perhaps the explanation is both biologically, psychologically and socially."

This specialist reminds us that, according to the WHO, "we are biopsychosocial beings and, therefore, we must look at the human being in all its complexity and have an open vision. It may be that the difference in brains, the education of women and men, the roles in society have created these differences in sexual and loving behaviors between men and women."

What is known is that "men fall in love through sex. And women, when they feel heard, understood and repeat sex with the same person. In both cases, it lowers testosterone and increases oxytocin. Areas associated with critical evaluation of other individuals are deactivated to favor survival and mating. The result is the same."

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Falling in love, he maintains, is born in the bedroom for a purely chemical and biological issue. Then, when the dopamine and testosterone rush drops, that's where long-lasting love can be born. In fact, dopamine, neural circuits and long-term mental maps are activated."

As clear and direct as ever, Buenaventura del Charco Olea, health psychologist, psychotherapist and author of 'Hasta los cojones del pensamiento positivo' (Editorial Samarcanda), also believes that we are talking about "polyhedral realities and there is no single explanation". On the one hand, "we have the cultural theme: the woman's roll of 'not being a' and choosing Prince Charming and all that macho roll."

On the other, there is the biological: "The woman has limited fertility (both in age and number of eggs) and the man does not, which makes the first more selective and the second, to everything he gives. It should also be borne in mind that the woman assumes a risk in pregnancy. It is a theme that comes to us from our most remote ancestors: slower and more vulnerable to predators, need to eat more when food was not guaranteed, dying in childbirth. To all this, we should add the fact that the child also needs special care. So better choose a mate who would hunt, protect himself from predators, and be involved. On this subject, it is very difficult to know what is culture, what is biology and what is pure Darwinism."

In addition, there is the fact that, "statistically, a woman has easier sex and be the object of desire than the man, at least, in our society (data on likes and dating ratios in apps such as Tinder are good evidence or studies of how women are harassed in networks or approached in nightclubs and other public places), So that accessibility makes it less attractive or thriving so to speak."

And, because of those same stereotypes, he concludes "men tend to have a harder time expressing emotions, being tender and affectionate, affective ... So sex allows for a less threatening physical and sexual identity (men don't cry, being an achiever and all that shit)."

Conclusion? The claritas things and the chocolate, with churros.


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