We are mothers, but also deeply erotic women. The pleasure must continue

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Motherhood and sexuality. It seems the impossible binomial. Many women are uneasy. Others find a complicated mental labyrinth full of crossroads: parenting, school schedule, comings and goings, games, household chores, managing the budget, few hours of sleep, bad body and fatigue. How to feel sensual and sexy when you get up, at noon or at night? What to do to bring libido back? How to retain a pinch of that oxytocin that did so much to unite the couple if now it escapes in spurts by our maternal instinct and if one has no eyes other than for their children?

Before continuing to seek evasions, sexologist Ana Lombardía, an expert in well-being and sexual health, asks for calm. We talk about pleasure, not challenges. Nor of pressure. Not even intercourse, orgasms or postures. "Let's admit once and for all," she says, "that motherhood changes sexuality. It has another form, a different frequency and different ways of performing. Obviously, that affects women's self-esteem, relationships and mental and physical health."

Hormones and sexual desire

Talking about sexuality once a woman becomes a mother, even from the moment of conception, requires taking into account hormonal, bodily and mood changes. All this conditions sexual desire. Gestation, childbirth, postpartum and the first years of the child transform women from many points of view and, of course, in their relationship. But female sexuality persists and resists being relegated or lived in a mediocre way. It can remain silent for a while, take on the mother's body or even mutate, but disappear, never.

Lombardy observes that the way of expressing this concern varies in each woman: "There is no single criterion, but it depends on the models of maternity and paternity. It is true that when the children arrive, the sex life ceases to be what it was, but it is not always relegated to the background. There is already a little person who lives with you, it requires your time, your attention and your energy. Of course, this will influence the way you enjoy your sexual relationships and life as a couple. During the first two or three years, parents are focused on parenting and we must understand it as a totally normal process. The main thing is to manage it properly so that the attention that the child receives does not generate conflict in the couple. "

(Mental) health comes first

Society doesn't always make it easy and parenting can be very costly and painful from a physical well-being and mental health standpoint. One in four women suffer from a mental health problem during motherhood and 67% end up suffering from parental burnout. These are data collected by Izanami Martínez, anthropologist and founder of Soulgate, a psychological counseling website. In his opinion, this parental exhaustion means physical and mental fatigue, nerves and guilt for not meeting the expectations that society imposes or imposes.

But one thing is fatigue and another sexual apathy. Isn't it horrible to imagine the couple converted, over the years, into two beings who simply share a roof? Mariona Gabarra, sexologist and advisor of the Gleeden platform, proposes to create spaces of intimacy and suggests masturbation as a comfortable way to stimulate libido and awaken that sensuality and flirtation that the relationship needs. "It is a practice," he explains, "that increases sexual desire, despite the ingrained belief that the desire to have sex as a couple is lost."

According to a report on this dating website, prepared on the occasion of Mother's Day, 91% of women practice masturbation alone and 41% do it frequently, although it is still difficult to recognize it. In addition to reducing stress, releasing tension and improving the quality of sleep – common reasons with which the mother justifies her sexual inappetence – Gabarra insists that masturbation invites intimacy in the relationship and, as a couple, is an original way to enjoy without tension.

Reactivating desire to reactivate seduction

Cultivating eroticism brings joy and positive feelings. Motherhood will therefore be calmer and will make it easier for women to feel again a person with desire and likely to be desired. According to Gabarra, once she reactivates desire, she will look seductive, have a better perception of her image and want to capture the attention of her partner. There will be a crossover of desires. Without pressure, without social impositions, without the need to put their roles as mothers before and without demands in front of the mirror.

Lombardy, who is also an advisor to the erotic firm Womanizer, indicates that the stigma of pleasure during pregnancy and motherhood must be eliminated and sexuality prioritized as part of well-being. "Maintaining intimacy as a couple or alone can have a very positive impact on your health and well-being. In addition, it fosters emotional connection and reduces family stress."

The sexologist believes that, just as we talk about physical and mental self-care, sexual well-being and a more open and honest dialogue about such important things as the impact of hormonal changes, how they perceive their physical attractiveness or how their emotions are altered and, as a consequence, their desire to live sexuality should be promoted. This also involves the couple, who must be sensitive to this transformation, even from the gestation period, when some erogenous zones, such as the nipples, become extremely sensitive and, instead of pleasure, touch causes pain. It can occur throughout a woman's fertile life at her preovulatory moments.

Lombardy advises the couple to be understanding while remaining sexual, devising other codes according to their new status as father, partner, husband and lover. It's part of the magic of sexuality. Of course, every motherhood is different. There are no absolute truths and desire fluctuates differently in every woman. The father also suffers ups and downs in his desire. "The key," adds the sexologist, "is communication and trust to convey desire, fears or concern. It can be the opportunity to explore new pleasures and try other games, other than penetration."

Accept that sexuality changes

He insists on the importance of that quality time, contact and communication to be able to couple our sex life to the needs in each vital moment or at the moment that the relationship is happening. "Sexuality is not the same when we have just met and we are falling in love than when we have a big peak of work or when a baby is born. Sexuality changes shape and it's important to adapt to that. Many times passion is lost precisely because we pretend that our entire sex life is the same as at the beginning. Then we get frustrated and miss out on a sexuality that can be nice and fun."

Culturally and socially, it seems that eroticism must always be genital, focused on penetration and with the aim of orgasm without taking into account that, from other parameters, it can be equally pleasurable and exciting. Lombardy invites us to take advantage of this period as a time of erogenous discovery and recalls the extraordinary power of kisses, massages or exploration through erotic toys. Seen this way, he is right when he says that the condition of mother can serve to experience sensations that we would not have imagined.

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