• VIRGINIA HERNANDEZ

    @vir_hernandez

  • CRISTINA G. LUCIO

    @cglucio

  • GRACIA PABLOS (GRAPHICS)

  • DANIEL IZEDDIN - España | SLAFTI REDA | V. HERNANDEZ - España | C.G. LUCIO (PODCAST)

Updated Sunday,16April2023-22:53

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It has passed on to a better life. He has stretched his paw. He has abandoned us. Sleep eternal sleep. He is already resting. He has passed away. He folded the napkin... Any formula helps us avoid pronouncing the unpronounceable: that person has died and that the fact reminds us that we are safe candidates to go through the same thing.

"We have three certainties in life. We are born in balls, we are going to pay taxes and we are going to die", jokes Ángel Seisdedos, a Sevillian lawyer specialized in Inheritances and Successions.

"We're not going to talk about it, lest 'The One with the Scythe' comes. Well, it's going to come anyway," he warns.

'The one with the scythe,' says Angel Seisdedos. Another euphemism to avoid 'naming the bug' (well, how hard it is also for us to pronounce the damn six letters). Suggesting the word 'death' without wanting to name it at all.

"Death today has a part of that taboo component, but the vast majority of us remember how our society lived death differently," explains Montse Esquerda, pediatrician, psychologist and author of the book 'Talking about death to live and die better' (Editorial Alienta).

We are social beings and we need to say goodbye to someone of our own. That death is a private matter does not help us with this.

Montse Esquerda, pediatrician and psychologist

"That's why I like to talk more about 'deculturation' than taboo, because it allows us to reverse, 'reculturize': to look for elements that bring us closer to death." But why would we want to "approach death"? "Because we are social beings and, as a collective, we need to say goodbye to someone of our own. The fact that death is now a private matter, does not help us with this, "responds the director of the Borja Institute of Bioethics of the Ramón Llull University of Lleida.

She proposes that discussing how we would like our funeral to be – or other issues related to our death or that of our loved ones – becomes an informal conversation of vermouth or Sunday family meal. We don't even have to comply with it if we change our mind later: "Talking about it is a door that must be opened when we are well and so, when something happens to us, it will be easier to walk through it."

Special: What to Do Before You Die

What is a living will and how can I leave medical instructions?

  • Writing: CRISTINA G. LUCIO
  • Writing: VIRGINIA HERNÁNDEZ
  • Writing: GRACIA PABLOS (GRAPHICS)

What is a living will and how can I leave medical instructions?

Keys to making the will: what is the legitimate? What if I don't have a will?

  • Writing: VIRGINIA HERNÁNDEZ
  • Writing: CRISTINA G. LUCIO
  • Writing: GRACIA PABLOS (GRAPHICS)

Keys to making the will: what is the legitimate? What if I don't have a will?

Juan Carlos Siurana, vice president of the Bioethics Committee of Spain and professor of Moral Philosophy at the University of Valencia, adds that "living behind death, as if it did not exist", makes us not know how to act. He says that this is how people live especially in big cities. "In the past, it was an everyday thing. In the small villages it was lived naturally. It was known that death was coming, the neighbors were preparing for the irremediable and the dying had time to say goodbye and give their last advice or instructions, "he recalls about a not so distant time.

You just have to review the traditions, festivals and diverse folklore of our country, as we do in the podcast that accompanies this special and that you can also listen to from your favorite audio platform. In the opinion of this expert, now occurs what the death scholar Philippe Ariès (author of 'History of death in the West', published in Spain Acantilado) called 'inverted death': "I call it 'lonely death'. We are no longer prepared to talk about death in the family and with friends," says Siurana.

So let's reflect, as we have overcome the first hurdle of saying 'death' out loud. So much so as to read this special. Because we may have iron health or we may not be so bad for our age, despite cholesterol and transaminases. Surely we have thousands of pending things to do to have time to die. But what if in the next 24 hours we or someone of ours has to undertake 'the last journey' (again with the absurd ambiguities...)?

Are we prepared to overcome such a stake? How do we tell the children? Do we know how to support those who are grieving, beyond the hackneyed 'I accompany you in feeling'? Would we have all the issues ready so as not to cause headaches (or fights) to those who are going to mourn us? You can read this in this other piece of the special. Will we maintain control over decisions that should have been ours? This, in this other link.

WHAT IS THE USE OF KEEPING DEATH IN MIND?

The fact of knowing ourselves finite, reflects the pediatrician and psychologist Montse Esquerda, not only gives more meaning to what we live, but invites us to take advantage of the moment, to do the things we like, to look more at what really matters.

Before it was known that death was coming, the neighbors were preparing and the dying man had time to give his last advice or instructions.

Juan Carlos Siurana, Bioethics Committee of Spain

"The present has a double semiology. Present as a present moment and present as a gift. If we think about it, the present is a present. It's a gift."

Thinking that we do not know when the day will come when we will no longer be is also useful for doing things that we often postpone. How many 'I love you' are waiting for the moment? How many knots are still pending a 'forgive me'? How many 'I'm sorry' are left to say? And 'thank you'?

"Throughout our lives it is important to close stages. Thanking those who have sustained and pushed us, forgiving and asking for forgiveness and saying 'I love you' makes us live better."

HOW DO I TELL THE KIDS?

Often, society tends to separate children from everything related to death, thinking, on the one hand, that this protects them and, on the other, that they will not know what is happening. But both assumptions are false.

"In a case of abuse, no one would say that children know little or it does not affect them so much. And yet it is still said before a death, "reflects Montse Esquerda.

The reality, he continues, is that "the death of a loved one in the life of a child is one of the most stressful events they can live" and taking them away from the situation, giving them vague and confusing explanations of what has happened or is about to happen, far from helping, complicates everything.

It is important to give them space so that, when possible, children can say goodbye to that loved one, both in life and after death. If you do not want the child to go to the funeral or the funeral home, "we will have to think of another type of farewell ceremony for the child, more intimate and close, even if it is later."

By pushing children away, we think we protect them, but we don't. We take them out of the family circle

Anna Maria Agustí, teacher and member of the Grief Accompaniment Group of Lleida

We don't have to think that all grief is going to be traumatic in children. "Humans create bonds. And when those bonds are broken, they become part of our lives and we can turn them into something positive. There are ways to ensure that I can end up integrating it into what it is and give it meaning and meaning, "says this pediatrician.

It is important not to use euphemisms when explaining to a child that someone close to us has died, says Anna Maria Agustí, teacher, educational psychologist and member of the Grief Accompaniment Group of Lleida. Terms such as 'lost' or 'in a better place' can create confusion in the child and encourage fears. "If he is lost and we are not going to look for him, the day I get lost, who will come looking for me?" they may think.

Death must also be lived in the family, stresses the educational psychologist. "By removing them from that reality, we think we're protecting them, but we're not really doing it. We are unprotecting them by taking them out of the family circle. They live and see very clearly that something is happening. They do not know what is happening but if we do not clarify it they will look for an explanation and the imagination can be worse than reality itself, "reflects Agustí.

HOW TO ACCOMPANY THE GRIEVING

"I just don't know what to say." When a family member or friend of someone close to them dies, it is difficult to find the words to comfort them. All the phrases sound hollow, empty, meaningless. "But in those moments words are not precise or necessary. The important thing is presence", underlines Anna Maria Agustí, with an experience of 20 years in a grieving group. You have to be there for those who are in that process, accompanying and supporting that person, he adds.

A key moment is "a month or a month and a half after death," says Montse Esquerda. "That's when you start to process reality" and that's when the flood of contacts that occurs the first days begins to disappear.

A simple "Do you want us to have coffee?" serves to help that grieving person. Because that moment can serve to oxygenate a little, to distract yourself and think about something else. But, if you need it, you can also invite him to talk about it, to let go.

A key moment is a month after death. One begins to process reality and disappears the flood of contacts of the first days

Montse Esquerda, pediatrician and psychologist

"Talking helps us to resignify. The meaning of our emotions can change with the word; That is, it allows you to revisit what has happened and learn to live it in a different way. But the problem with the word is that it needs an interlocutor and not that there is silence on the other side. Loneliness is not being alone, it is having no one to talk to," says Esquerda.

Therefore, before a person who has lost a loved one it is important not to assume that he will not want to leave, will prefer to be alone or will not want to talk. "Let's not budget, let's ask, just propose that coffee," he insists. And let's be proactive. "It's no use saying, 'I'm here, call me' because no one is going to call," he concludes.

HOW MANY HOURS DO WE HAVE LEFT?

We raised the question earlier of what would happen if we died suddenly. It is not likely to happen, unless the irrational fears that gave us 'yuyu' are fulfilled. So this review helps us to review a list of important tasks, which we do not pay attention to in most cases. Those tasks that we should all have done. But, raise your hand whoever has filled out the complete list.

"They say that the best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago, but the second best time is now, right?" asks lawyer Oscar Cano, an expert in Inheritance and Family. "The best thing is to do these things as soon as possible and if now I realize that I should have done it 15 years ago and I have not, then the second best time would be today or tomorrow," he says. "The sooner we leave everything planned, the more we will make life easier for those we hold dear, after the blow they will have received when we are gone."

"If we put death in life, it will help us to live it more responsibly," says Anna Maria Agustí. "We will leave things better, because then the others will not have to think so much for us."

Related reading:

  • Talk about death to live and die better. Montse Esquerda. Editorial Alienta.


  • The loss of a loved one. Vicente Prieto. Editorial La Esfera de los Libros.


  • I've seen things you wouldn't believe. Jesus Callejo. Editorial La Esfera de los Libros.


  • Brain and transcendence. Ramón M. Nogués. Editorial Fragment.


  • A Beginner's Guide to the End: Practical Advice for Living Life and Facing Death. BJ Miller and Shoshana Berger.


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