Conchi Fernández, the nutritionist who camouflaged her anorexia in poetry: "When I saw myself in the mirror, I asked myself how I could have gotten so far"

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Writing poetry was for Conchi Fernández, 24, one more trick in the anorexia nervosa that she suffered from the age of 12 to 20.

Just like when she circumvented the obligation to eat by hiding the food or making him swallow without eating a bite.

Writing, painful as it was, turned out to be a much more useful ruse.

without anyone guessing the true meaning of my words. And the good thing is that it was therapeutic."

The young woman,

has had the courage to narrate it in the first person, this time in prose, in her book 'Surviving me, living with me'.

She has also wanted to share with Yo Dona some of the most shocking moments of the disease, because she believes that with her voice she can help other people who are going through the same thing or have a loved one in it.

more female cases

The latest study, published just a few days ago in Jama Pediatrics, indicates that more than 22% of children and adolescents ages 7 to 18 show signs of eating disorders, especially bulimia and anorexia.

In the case of girls, the percentage rises to 30% and in boys it remains at 17%.

Why this gap?

The researchers have not found the exact causes, but the suspicion most shared by doctors and scientists is that one of the origins could be in

Social pressure to meet a certain beauty canon could be driving disordered eating.

In fact, the cited research reveals that young people with a higher body mass index are more prone to unhealthy eating behaviors in an attempt to lose body weight.

Why this gap?

Conchi, who after overcoming her disorder decided to study Nutrition and Dietetics and a Master's in Eating Disorders, highlights this circumstance at the beginning of the conversation: "It is still a harsh paradox at a time when

is so much emphasis on healthy living from the media, advertising and social networks. The message that is sent leads to internalizing thinness and control of what we eat as synonymous with success".

The information he handles and his observations in consultation coincide with what Jama's study points out.

"We live -he says- in a society with

that leads almost half of adults to a relationship with food distorted by restriction. Where is the line that separates disturbed behaviors and conduct disorders? food?".

Personal experience

In her case, anorexia nervosa was triggered by depression at the age of 12.

"Anxiety problems were added that made me lose my appetite, with the sensation that the nerves were attacking my stomach. When the weight loss became evident, the pediatrician became concerned and everything became an obsession with making me eat. Emotionally

was bad, without illusion to live, but everyone focused on my weight and making me swallow. I felt like a bucket in which to put food, "he explains.

To such insistence he responded with rebellion: "I turned eating as little as possible into a fight against the world, but there came a time when it got out of hand and it stopped being a more or less voluntary and controlled decision. It became an instinct that made me move compulsively,

He remembers that his childhood was happy and he received a lot of love.

It was his extreme sensitivity that made her feel increasingly vulnerable.

"When I reached adolescence, I was afraid that the world would stop being easy, that I would have more responsibility, that I would assume the changes in my body. I cried a lot and finally one day I told my mother that I had no reason to live.

From then on, she found herself on a pilgrimage of psychologists, psychiatrists, medication, and continuous discussions over food.

He began to squander his energy and creativity on

"Also, it was hard for me to sit still and I felt pleasure going up and down a couple of floors taking advantage of the class change or jumping in my room."

Her arrival at a day center specializing in eating disorders changed everything.

"No more pretending. The beginnings of treatment were hard and it hurt me to see that even there I didn't fit in. When I looked in the mirror for the first time in a long time, I wondered how I had gotten this far."

the relapse

In a year it recovered, although not enough, and after a while it fell again.

"It was not enough to have started eating. My insecurities were still there and I returned to the starting point that caused my depression. I counted calories with the same ease that I counted the syllables to put together a hendecasyllable. However, this time I was aware of the unconditional affection from my parents and I also knew that when I recovered I would find joy".

Another four years passed,

From the beginning of the disease, the verses helped him express what he was unable to say out loud.

He had studied that poets "can play with words, change the rules at will, write down or say aloud thoughts that, in reality, hidden under the pirouettes of language, would remain secret."

Her writing gave her the opportunity to

"Poems -he adds- helped me face pain, loss, anger and fears. Today they still

and I notice that the pressure loosens when it doesn't let me breathe. Also reading stops those thoughts that can dominate my actions".

The motives of the book

Perfectionist, sensitive, creative and with an overwhelming inner world, her life has been a continuous game of

between the part of the brain that handles logic, reason and language with that other part linked to creativity and emotion.

In the book she honestly exposes her fragility and some very hard events.

She wants to share what she has learned from her recovery, the strategies she knows help, and with which she became her own therapist, which is by no means without professional help.

The information she received during this time made her finally understand what had happened to her.

"While my conscious part wanted to recover, stop compulsive movement, eat and gain weight, another more unconscious or primitive part of my brain caused me

The recuperation

He makes it clear that recovering is not easy, "but it is very worth it. You will not be able to erase anything that has happened, but you can decide

When asked how she knows that she is recovered, she affirms that she has understood that eating, in addition to being a requirement to live, is a way of loving, sharing and traveling with the senses.

She also knows it because she has left behind her insecurities and that cell in which there was only a scale and information about food.

And she, above all, she has learned to accept herself.

"It doesn't happen overnight," she clarifies. "I don't get up one day and I'm recovered."

She likens it to an obstacle course where the satisfaction of overcoming each section is just an impulse to keep running until you reach the finish line.

"You know you've made it when

And you move to feel good, not to look good. That's when you feel healthy, energized, excited and joie de vivre."

Conchi has come to the conclusion that the body is fascinating and capable of knowing intuitively that that piece of cake at a dinner with friends, without being nutritionally too interesting, the fact of sharing it produces well-being.

"And he knows where or how to stay in the optimal point of

but without ending up unpleasantly stuffed."

According to the criteria of The Trust Project

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