Why is it so hard for us to set limits? Keys to learn how to do it

• Patri Psychologist "The best advice to live serenely is to stop running everywhere"

• Elsa Punset "Our brain searches for, exaggerates and memorizes the negative better than the positive"

-It's just that, if I don't, my partner will get angry.

-I have to go even if I don't feel like it because my friend is going to feel bad.

I can't say no to my boss.

I run out of weekend.

These types of dialogues are very common.

Why is it so uphill for us and we feel so bad if we don't do what others expect us to do?

How to learn to set limits?

The psychologist

(Barcelona, ​​May 3, 1974) proposes some tools to arm ourselves with courage and prepare our defense against the emotional blackmail of others in his new book

Ed. Zenith).

View this post on Instagram

Like the

.

P to be prioritized.

"If you are not clear about your priorities, you will live in those of others."

To notify

"As simple as saying no. I don't like this. But make it an informative speech. And see how the other person reacts. If he responds well, we stay there. Otherwise, we go to the next letter."

L for limit.

"Unequivocally, you have to set limits in an assertive, forceful and non-negotiable way."

If they still don't listen to you, he recommends leaving.

"There are no studies that show it yet, but the percentage of

has increased after the pandemic. We are fatal."

This is the first question you should ask yourself if one of them surrounds you at work, in the family, or even sleeping with you: "Are you a priority for yourself?"

Your thesis?

If we want a life with

we must commit ourselves to drawing red lines.

In his new book, he locates in childhood the key stage in which limits are learned.

How important is this "no crisis" of the child for him to become a more or less submissive adult? It is essential.

As children, the rules of our parents are what we take for granted.

As we grow, we look for the same kind of refuge relationships to feel at ease.

It is paradoxical how we limit ourselves but not others.

We are great advisors to the rest, but do we know how to apply what we see so clearly to the problems of others? We believe that we do not deserve the attention that we do give to others.

We say to a friend: "Poor thing, you're really stupid."

Instead, we are not important and we do not prioritize ourselves.

One of the pillars for which we fail, in fact, is self-respect.

This is not meant to be selfish.

There are people who abuse, who mistreat... and if you don't know how to set limits, like in the animal world, those wasps are going to sting you or those boas are going to wrap around your neck. In general terms, is it more difficult for you to set limits? to women than to men given their traditional social role as caregiver and their empathic profile? I'll tell you that out of every 10 people I care for because of toxic couples, eight are women.

We cannot deny that there are different educational styles for them and for them.

And I'll discuss it with whoever I want.

Fortunately, the patterns are changing, but in our culture, a role for women is more favored where submission, obedience and care stand out.

This is built into her DNA in such a way that she does not find it dissonant that someone does not treat her with due respect,

abuse or simulate victimization so that she is aware. Perhaps it is because the woman asks for more help than the man, right?

Do they tend to go to therapy more?In that sense, they are more adaptive, because the man arrives so late for consultation that he is much more crushed.

What is most difficult is unlearning what has been learned.He talks about his own personal process, in which he realized that he was not setting limits and could not continue like this.

The turning point for him was the birth of his daughter.

Can it be changed if desired? Although how you have been raised is important, you have the ability to be assertive: see that there is another way to live if what you are doing does not work.

That requires, of course, a lot of courage to defend your rights. Is that first 'no' liberating?

Does it mark a before and after? The first is usually the one that generates the most guilt.

That is why I give my patients an exercise to change their minds in a restaurant once they have placed their order.

In some nonsense or trifle of everyday life.

When you use it with the people who block you, peace comes.

If you experience it, you don't go back. He criticizes those who seek their Alexa or Siri in a partner, the popular digital assistants.

Are servitude and vassalage the order of the day in relationships? It is very sad for me to hear that normal treatment is considered exquisite.

And this is because we don't take ourselves into consideration.

When you have to give up things in your life for your partner, bad.

The trailer already announces the end of the film, and it is likely that in those resignations you will end up alone.

No waivers, elections.

As Shakira said that she did in her career to dedicate herself to her partner and look at the last song.

[Laughs]. Has technology made everything urgent?

Have the limits been blurred with a phone in hand? There are jobs and jobs.

A person who is looking out for a

You will consult it at all times to be able to carry your orders.

Or a current journalist.

I am a psychologist and I have emergencies of the type people who want to commit suicide.

I put those cases in favorites and that's how their calls always come in, regardless of the time.

But for the rest I turn off notifications and check my phone three times a day.

There is a moment when it has to end.

Also encourage putting limits in writing.

He even goes so far as to affirm that face-to-face is overrated.

Doesn't it go against bravery?

Do people understand each other by speaking? I know it's controversial, but there are very insecure people who don't dare say certain things to their faces.

Abusive profiles know this and use it against you.

Sometimes,

leaving a message saves you the drama of crying or prevents you from ending up insults or in the streets if that profile is going to exercise violence by setting limits.

There are messages that are distorted in the face to face.

In writing, there they are.

They can be reread.

They generate protection for you, because you don't have to get close.

From afar, you leave it there because you don't want to talk, just report.

It is the best for manipulators or abusers.

Many people do not want to listen.

I think that face to face there are more distractions. But it's better not to send anything with the heat, right? Writing brings calm and gives us perspective, but it must be written well, of course.

No angry ramblings, of course. How to distinguish what is urgent from what is important? He is not super important.

It allows us a healthier life.

The base is the priorities, we must have them clear.

It seems very basic

but sometimes we go like a chicken without a head, without any sense and without these activities contributing anything to us.

You have to be respectful of your own time and the organization of other people.

Also know how to rest.

And if your boss has no life and wants to meet up with your friends for afternoon beers, as you pass by, you will become the same wretch as him, who has no life and hates his family.

But bitterness is contagious.

If you set limits, half of the emergencies do not have them.

Do we feel too much pressure because of what they think of us? A lot.

You have to differentiate opinions from facts.

People can say what they want and you have to unlink your self-esteem from that concept of what they will say.

The important thing is that you respect yourself.

without any meaning and without these activities contributing anything to us.

You have to be respectful of your own time and the organization of other people.

Also know how to rest.

And if your boss has no life and wants to meet up with your friends for afternoon beers, as you pass by, you will become the same wretch as him, who has no life and hates his family.

But bitterness is contagious.

If you set limits, half of the emergencies do not have them.

Do we feel too much pressure because of what they think of us? A lot.

You have to differentiate opinions from facts.

People can say what they want and you have to unlink your self-esteem from that concept of what they will say.

The important thing is that you respect yourself.

without any meaning and without these activities contributing anything to us.

You have to be respectful of your own time and the organization of other people.

Also know how to rest.

And if your boss has no life and wants to meet up with your friends for afternoon beers, as you pass by, you will become the same wretch as him, who has no life and hates his family.

But bitterness is contagious.

If you set limits, half of the emergencies do not have them.

Do we feel too much pressure because of what they think of us? A lot.

You have to differentiate opinions from facts.

People can say what they want and you have to unlink your self-esteem from that concept of what they will say.

The important thing is that you respect yourself.

And if your boss has no life and wants to meet up with your friends for afternoon beers, as you walk by, you will become the same wretch as him, who has no life and hates his family.

But bitterness is contagious.

If you set limits, half of the emergencies do not have them.

Do we feel too much pressure because of what they think of us? A lot.

You have to differentiate opinions from facts.

People can say what they want and you have to unlink your self-esteem from that concept of what they will say.

The important thing is that you respect yourself.

And if your boss has no life and wants to meet up with your friends for afternoon beers, as you walk by, you will become the same wretch as him, who has no life and hates his family.

But bitterness is contagious.

If you set limits, half of the emergencies do not have them.

Do we feel too much pressure because of what they think of us? A lot.

You have to differentiate opinions from facts.

People can say what they want and you have to unlink your self-esteem from that concept of what they will say.

The important thing is that you respect yourself.

Do we feel too much pressure because of what they think of us? A lot.

You have to differentiate opinions from facts.

People can say what they want and you have to unlink your self-esteem from that concept of what they will say.

The important thing is that you respect yourself.

Do we feel too much pressure because of what they think of us? A lot.

You have to differentiate opinions from facts.

People can say what they want and you have to unlink your self-esteem from that concept of what they will say.

The important thing is that you respect yourself.

According to the criteria of The Trust Project

Know more

• Psychology