The "triple duel" of the surviving twin sister: "They have to get her to express herself so that she does not try to take her own life again"

They were born and raised together, understanding each other like no one else could, and sharing everything.

Also intense suffering.

On the afternoon of Tuesday, February 21, they decided to end their life at the age of 12, believing that it was the only way out.

One of the adolescents survived and the other passed away, leaving an irreplaceable void and a lot of pain.

The emotional impact on the surviving minor after this experience, the death of her twin and her own suicide attempt, places her in a state of extreme vulnerability.

An expert in grief explains some of the necessary steps in accompanying minors to reduce their suffering.

"The duel that this girl is going to go through has nothing to do with any duel that is stipulated."

She assures it with regret Mercedes Jiménez-Carlés González-Barba, an expert psychologist in emergencies and catastrophes, and not only as a specialist but from her own experience.

She has a twin and knows that the affective bond that is established is not comparable to any other.

, he explains, emphasizing the importance of taking into account in this case "the degree of union" that existed between them and that reached such a point. point that the minor who survived had decided to follow her twin until death.

What she is facing now is a "triple duel", for the "loss of her sister", of a "part of herself" and that of the "relationship with her parents because they can be immersed in their pain and be less present to attend to the needs of their daughter", she explains, quoting the psychotherapist Alba Payás.

In this difficult moment of facing death, Jiménez-Carlés González-Barba warns that

could appear ("I would have preferred it to be me instead of my sister", "why do I live and my sister not...) or

("I don't want to be here if my sister isn't here").

In this case there is the added risk of that deep "loyalty" that he feels for her sister and that he has already expressed in the most extreme way and that he "continues in her".

"They have to get her to express herself, for the girl to cry what she has to cry" if that's what she needs, not everyone expresses pain in the same way, she emphasizes.

SUICIDE PREVENTION

eleven lives.

Reduce pain, bond, and offer hope...how to help a teen thinking about suicide

• Writing: YAIZA PERERA Madrid

• Writing: INFOGRAPHIC: GABRIELA GALARZA

Reduce pain, bond, and offer hope...how to help a teen thinking about suicide

More suicides in Spain.

4,003 people, 22 of them under the age of 15, took their lives in 2021

• Writing: YAIZA PERERA Madrid

• Writing: INFOGRAPHIC: GABRIELA GALARZA Madrid

4,003 people, 22 of them under the age of 15, took their lives in 2021

Understanding your environment is key to coping with them and reducing risk.

"What can calm her the most is that they understand her even if they do not agree," says this expert.

When a person with suicidal thoughts expresses them, they usually say, with the best of intentions but in the wrong way, "don't feel that, don't think about it" when what they need is to "validate" their feelings, what they are experiencing internally .

Doing so does not mean agreeing with his action or that suicide is the solution, and thus we can let him know, giving him hope to find another way out, but we do show him that we understand that his degree of discomfort is so high that it leads him to have thoughts self-destructive.

It is vital that she

, that she not be judged and neither is her sister because going against her sister is going against her, that she be taken into account, that she decide whether or not she wants to go to the funeral rites for her sister, that she be asked for her opinion, that do not stay on the sidelines to protect her from more pain, to be told the truth, to take an interest in her things...", explains this expert because only in this way, by truly listening, will an adult be able to know her thoughts and her level of suffering. Mercedes Jiménez-Carlés González-Barba offers a simile to explain how adolescents feel at this time in their lives and which is included in the book by Françoise Dolto 'The cause of adolescents', comparing them with the moment of change in lobsters: "When shell changers are very vulnerable because they don't have the hard protection.

The stage of adolescence is the same,

They are uncovering many things from childhood but they still do not have adult protection.

Imagine the vulnerability of this teenager, with a sister who has committed suicide and she who has tried.

She doesn't have that protection for a lot of things."

Precipitants in adolescence

drop down

Pedro Martín-Barrajón and Elisa Alfaro Ferreres.

Guide to help a person who has thought about taking their own life

The adolescent group is

due to factors such as their greater impulsiveness, the magnitude of some emotional responses to bad experiences, and their low tolerance for frustration.

Shouting, slamming doors, angry responses, defiance, and risky behaviors of a sexual or drug use nature could all be symptoms of depression.

• Suffer physical or psychological harm.

  Bullying is a frequent trigger.

  The fact that our adolescent children pay less attention to their mobile phones or that they get nervous or moody every time they consult it, that frequent illnesses or illnesses appear that prevent them from attending class or that their school supplies deteriorate or appear wet with some frequency are signs that should alert us. about a possible case of bullying.

• Discovery and/or non-acceptance of homosexuality

• Unwanted premature pregnancy

• Lack of group membership

• school failure

• Pressure from a suicidal environment

  (viral challenges, web pages with explicit instructions, an app where adolescents share and encourage each other to escalate their self-harm or the use of certain phrases that denote suicidal risk and can be indecipherable for an adult like : "Tonight I had pasta for dinner", "My mother has prepared my favorite pasta recipe", or "I have run out of shampoo and conditioner at the same time").

This expert, coordinator in Andalusia of the National Suicide Prevention Network Princess 81, explains that what is usual in the case of the death of a minor is that there is a "

that is, that the support will be focused on its greatest measure in the parents due to the devastation of losing a daughter and in the siblings often falls the burden of taking charge of the mourning of their parents.

They receive pressure from the environment to "be strong for their parents", who "need them", preventing them from expressing their own emotions.

It is usually done with "good intentions" to "protect the family" but it is "unprotecting the adolescent."

In this case, in addition, the girl,

, already had a previous and very significant burden of suffering that led him to decide to take his own life together with his sister.

Talk to minors "from the heart"

This tragedy has also hit the educational center where they have been studying for two years and has turned their teachers and classmates into survivors of a death by suicide, which implies the need for specialized psychological intervention to reduce the emotional impact.

"Teachers have to ask for professional help yes or yes. They can help contain, console, prepare the class, the classmates before she returns and that can only be left in the hands of a specialized person. Not in teaching they have taught us [suicide prevention and post-vention]," says Jiménez-Carlés González-Barba, who in addition to being a psychologist is a teacher at a school in Seville.

Returning to the routine when she is ready can be helpful for the minor.

How should that return be?

One of the most important actions is to look for an

in which you can lean especially.

"The person who welcomes that girl on the first day should not be her tutor but the person who she trusts the most. Let the team of teachers consider who is the closest person or ask her. And you have to carry out a previous work in class with a professional to address what has happened, the communication of bad news, fostering respect among the peer group, explaining to the students how they can accompany her, what to say and what not to say", she explains.

In this case, it is necessary to apply "exceptional measures" such as allowing them to leave the classroom when they need to and always accompanied by a friend to avoid the risk of a new attempt, giving them facilities to complete their studies, such as extending the deadlines for the assignments or exam dates,

It is also important to

suicide by using phrases such as "he is in a better place now", "there is another angel in heaven", "he is finally resting" or "you have to be very brave" because it can make him into something desirable or even imitable.

You must insist on the idea that it was a mistake and that there is always a way out.

A death by suicide in a minor causes a strong emotional impact among their friends and peers in a stage of life such as adolescence

It is necessary to talk to the students about what has happened, listen to them and give them the opportunity to express themselves and organize awareness actions with the rest of the parents because in all probability more cases will be detected as a result of this one.

A grieving adolescent can have

very different

They may be overwhelmed by guilt, disbelief, suffer anxiety, irritability, aggressiveness or, on the contrary, apathy, they may suffer from insomnia or not stop sleeping, lose their appetite or not stop eating, have headaches, gastric discomfort, intense exhaustion ;

refuse to go to school or lower their school performance.

They are all normal, but when they take a long time or you cannot express your emotions, it is advisable to consult a specialist.

What can parents do to accompany them?

"Speak to our children from the heart,

No matter how tremendous or brutal it is, you better find out and let them express their emotions. We can tell them that there are stages in life when you suffer a lot but sharing them is fine and that is the only way we can help them".

What to do if we think an adolescent is at risk of suicide

drop down

Guidelines supervised by Francisco Villar, clinical psychologist.

1.

: changes in behavior, hopeless comments, increased isolation, irritability, abandonment of activities and relationships that were previously pleasant...

2.

the situations that overwhelm them

3. If we have suspicions, we must

directly, warmly and progressively,

: "With all this that is happening to you, that I see you badly, have you ever thought that life is not worth it? live it?"

4.

that they have thought about death, we have to resort to suicide prevention telephone numbers such as 024 where they will inform us at any time of what measures to take.

5. It is important that the boy or girl feel taken seriously and see that we act.

These are the next steps:

• Start the process of contacting a professional

  , which in many cases involves informing the pediatrician or family doctor of the situation our child is going through and what he has explained to you.

• Make a safe home

  (immediately remove

  ALL

  medications available at home. From that moment on, you will be able to use them but you will not be able to access them. The recommendation is to get rid of what we do not use on a regular basis, have a small amount of what essential and in a locked box, for at least one year.

• Increase

  the suicide prevention network (the people around you who know your moment of vulnerability)

  in your environment.

  Suicide risk is not a secret that can be kept.

  Misunderstanding confidentiality can increase the danger of the person who suffers, leaving them alone and being left alone in their accompaniment.

  The tutor and the director of the educational center must be informed so that they can adjust in the best way to the circumstances of your child.

  Also, if possible, explain the situation to relatives or close friends who can support the minor.

  The care of the caregiver is essential.

6.We must prevent the possibility of suicidal ideation appearing whether he says that he has thought about taking his own life or if he says no.

: showing understanding, alleviating the guilt they may feel for feeling bad.

It is not about fixing his problems, but about making him feel guilty and feeling accompanied in his difficulties.

You don't need to encourage him to fight or fight discouragement from him.

It is very important that you know that

, that you will never be a burden to your family, that they want you to recover, but that accompanying you at that moment is one of the things that gives meaning to your life as parents. , never think that they will be better off without him.

7.

(remembering moments when they were capable, or simply acknowledging that if they can't now, it's not because they are not capable, but because they are not at their best moment and encouraging them to allow it, that they be pious and understanding with themselves).

Promote their autonomy to the extent that they can assume it.

Don't help someone who doesn't need help.

8.

.

Accompany and transmit the confidence that everything will improve, without excessive optimism.

Optimism sometimes translates into trying to stop the person from suffering at this moment by looking at things in a different way.

Hope is different, in it you recognize the hardness of your current moment and you are allowed to be bad, but it reminds us that, as so many times before, in the end it will dawn.

9. Prepare a

to avoid an attempt: identify situations that may upset you, activities or people that help distract you and write down trusted contacts or helplines.

10. Create a

in which we are all participants that gives care, listens and supports a minor who is suffering.

Facing the possibility of hearing a child say after a case of suicide "I suffer the same thing" is overwhelming, but you

and "understanding that suffering and validating it" saying, for For example, "it is true that she did not see any other exit but there are, if you share it you can find more exits that one alone is not capable of seeing".

"Let's not say 'don't think that', 'how can you think of it' because they will close to us, but rather '

.

And if we find ourselves without the resources to face it or they feel ashamed or believe that we can give them the help they need, tell them honestly "I don't have the tools but this is so important that we are going to ask for help from whomever we need".

It is also necessary to know how to respect their silence and look for more propitious moments.

Being present and always available without invading their space and not falling into indoctrination or sterile sermons.

"Only from the heart and naturalness can one help, it is true listening," he insists.

The classmates and the educational environment in general are experiencing the tragedy with the added weight of the suspicion that the deceased minor was bullied.

In this sense, this psychotherapist warns that "the school is experiencing its mourning and this is not the time to blame. It is unfair and also does not help. When things happen that we have not been able to see, we are not guilty," she says, stressing the need to good training in the classroom to prevent suicide and know how to accompany in mourning.

According to the criteria of The Trust Project

Know more

• Suicide Prevention