Sometimes words can be noise to say nothing.
Silence always speaks
.
Even the vital sound of breathing is silenced for a moment when something important happens.
He is able to silence crowds with a minute of silence that is respect for souls.
"An angel has passed"
, it is said when, suddenly, everyone is silent.
Also,
it can be a demon if the answer you crave is missing
or when power is expressed in wordless blows.
"There is no greater contempt than not showing appreciation", is the proverb that speaks.
Silence is king on the chessboard of words
: it does little, but at the right moment if you move it, you win.
However, our culture prefers the queen: the fun has to be loud, frantic, loquacious, lively.
outer silence
Some research suggests that
the Japanese are capable of spending more than eight minutes together without saying a word;
more than four of us choke.
Wise Japanese decision because, outside the cities, they roar, like our homeland meetings.
Robert, a calm foreigner living in Spain, jokingly describes his latest company event.
He makes the gesture of an erupting volcano with his hands and says: "Everyone is talking loudly and, at the same time, I eat a canapé, drink water and jump into the lava."
An investigation carried out at the Research Center for Regenerative Therapies Dresden (Germany) observed that
complete silence for two hours in mice helped neurons to regenerate;
they also
increased the number of cells in the hippocampus
, an area that regulates memory, learning and emotions.
These cells were later integrated into the nervous system, modifying the brain structure.
In addition, according to the article "Silence affects life", by psychologist Lecina Fernández, a silent environment brings
peace, tranquility, calm, concentration, attention, listening to the inner world and disconnection from the outside
, among other benefits.
It works like in cities where the garbage services take what is useless when everything is on pause.
With a "clean" brain, we can find ourselves pleasantly surprised by an unexpected solution, a good idea or simply calm.
On the other hand,
noise produces nervousness, irritability, tiredness, insomnia, increases blood pressure and increases cortisol (stress hormone)
.
In fact, the so-called environmental abuse consists of generating noise by moving objects roughly, knocking on doors, breaking things, because this noise activates an ancestral fear that startles and weakens.
In addition, it carries the veiled threat that "today I will do to the door what I can do to you tomorrow."
inner silence
This, more or less we all know, is nothing new, so why doesn't my neighbor stop talking to her crying baby?
Why doesn't she use silence (and touch) as an anti-crying strategy?
It is true that the word is a bridge to the other, but
silence with affection means security and rest
.
Perhaps you are
afraid of silence
, a kind of 'horror vacuis', which is produced by stopping and being able to listen to what is happening inside us.
Like the silence outside, looking for moments of pause to connect with one's own internal world is a
medicine for the body and the soul
.
It helps to rediscover reflection, creativity and intuition.
By returning to external reality we can better contemplate the beauty that surrounds us and the most positive aspects of life.
It is a form of self-affection that, paradoxically,
prevents and softens the feeling of loneliness
.
It is true that our interior is also a place full of noise.
Between sixty and eighty thousand thoughts a day is difficult traffic to regulate: confusion, obsession, fantasies, expectations, emotions, etc.
they come to light when we are silent
, it is like putting clean water in a clogged pipe and dragging the dirt.
It is disturbing, but it is worth it because the dialogue with oneself activates the neural networks that define identity.
silence in response
Silence can be the best of allies in a relationship.
With it we can breathe and let the other breathe or suffocate him to death.
Goethe said that
speaking is a necessity and listening is an art
.
Knowing how
to use silences
(like anger), paraphrasing Aristotle in his 'Nicomachean Ethics', "with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, with the right purpose and in the right way", that certainly it's a masterpiece.
The "good" silence serves to detoxify, gain perspective, relieve tension and reduce the fatigue
that relationships often produce, even the best ones, because they influence, infect and mislead.
Mirror neurons, which pick up on the feelings of others, are often overactive.
Its complement,
complicit silence
, arises when we are together sharing a moment, keeping quiet so as not to hurt or respect differences.
It requires the patient silence of listening, which gives that moment of attention to the other, which in my profession we know to be so therapeutic.
All this means strengthening self-respect to set limits and strengthen self-control so as not to overflow.
The prize, a good relationship, serenity and... lower blood pressure.
silence that hurts
Never like now do people come to the consultation asking for explanations about the
"silenced response from another"
.
It is not an easy task because we project our own anxieties and fears onto the blank screen of his silence: does he attack me?
leaves me?
reject me?
miss me?
he cares?
what do you think?
are you lying?
what is he hiding?
It is very easy
to fall into self-deception and narrate reality according to our way and fear
.
The brain has an area called the cingulate gyrus that is a great virtual simulator of relationships, which helps to anticipate others as a way of survival.
But, it supposes, at least, to be a little empathic (something quite difficult when the other is completely reserved).
Truly harmful silence produces
emptiness and pain.
Like the quiet moment of couples together, but separated by a mobile many kilometers away.
It is to be looking at WhatsApp to see if the expected response arrives: "online and no answer, what are you waiting for?".
Silence is filled with fantasies, obsession, an effective way to hurt yourself.
Finally, there is silence as a form of power, of
exercising control over others
.
It is the passive-aggressive strategy of harming by not saying.
An attack that does not show its face.
With the networks this is even easier: ghosting, benching, gaslighting and more Anglo-Saxon gerunds, designed for indirect punishment and rejection or avoiding inconvenience.
Sometimes, there are
half silences, very manipulative
:
Those of
"perhaps
" to move in the ambiguity and leave us waiting.
The
liar
, where if you don't say anything you don't lie.
Concealment , making understand one thing, even
if
the intention is another.
The
cheater
, who plays with half truths and drives you crazy.
The one with the
secret
, where you can't tell what you know and is sentenced to solitary confinement.
G. Tordjman, in 1988, already considered one of the emotional needs of relationships, especially as a couple, is "to receive clear signals of recognition from the other, be they positive or negative. The greatest aggressiveness is indifference, both for the individual and for
the couple.
An open conflict is preferable to indifference because this implies, even in a negative way, the recognition of the other".
Therefore, let's learn from the "good" silence that connects and avoid the "bad" silence that attacks.
For this, the best are the
techniques of three
: 3 minutes a day of
meditation
with attention turned inward;
3+3 minutes of
listening for each member of a couple without interruption
once a week;
3 days maximum to
show signs of life in the face of a discussion,
approach the person who is hiding up to 3 times and if there is no answer it is time to distance yourself.
"
I like you when you are silent because you are absent
. Distant and painful as if you had died. A word then, a smile is enough. And I am happy, happy that it is not true".
(Pablo Neruda).
Isabel Serrano-Rosa
is a psychologist and director of EnPositivosí.
The only solution to combat the technique of ice
drop down
ISR
The most damaging of all silences is the
ice technique
, which is oriented towards
psychological punishment and extreme manipulation
.
The strategy is to act as if nothing had happened or settle it with "I'll keep quiet because we're going to end badly" even though the attitude is hostile due to coldness and distance.
It is covert violence with the intent to make you feel guilty.
If you approach him, he ignores you
, does not answer calls, does not want your opinion;
it only hits.
In short, he is a "dramaholic" who acts as if you have committed a much greater offense.
There is only one type of
solution
, complete communication withdrawal,
total silence,
the so-called zero contact, while the ice attack lasts, so that it doesn't work.
This technique is designed to help victims get out of situations of violence, abuse or submission, where the dominance of one person prevails over another.
Not giving information to these profiles minimizes the risk and also gives some possibility of controlling the situation
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