Co-paternity in the first person: "I looked for a woman with whom to have a child and we raised him together"

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That families are no longer what they used to be, we have known for a long time.

The classic father-mother-child model does not expire, of course, but it is no longer exclusive in the societies of the 21st century.

There are

by choice, homosexual couples who have children, and even children who live among polyamorous adults.

In other words, liquidity in its purest form, as the philosopher Zygmunt Bauman would say.

At a time when, moreover, men and women have children later and later, when they feel that their time has come, they are not up for experiments.

Age presses and there is no choice but to get to the point.

This combination of factors is the germ of co-

agencies , 'matchmakers' who look for a match between people, but whose end has nothing to do with the love of a lifetime.

The 'palabro', still strange, consists of men and women who want to be parents outside of a sentimental relationship.

To get to this point, they have had to

the traditional couple, so as not to place all their desires for love, sex, parenthood, etc. in one person.

The usual thing in these relationships is to consummate their desire in an assisted reproduction clinic.

The end they seek, paradoxically, is

, much less solid today than decades ago.

Fernando is an invented name behind which there is a 45-year-old man, Central European and living in Barcelona.

Although co-parenting seems like a good idea to him, he prefers to remain anonymous because his story is not only his concern.

"I'm gay.

, but I expected a perfect partner that didn't come. I thought about surrogacy, but it didn't work out either. I got to know the concept of co-parenting, I signed up for a page and started talking to people," he explains.

"I met three or four people until I found the mother of my son"

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Fernando found there profiles of all kinds and of different sexual orientation.

He talked to three or four people until he met the mother of his son.

Assisted reproduction clinic through, that project that they started with great enthusiasm is today a child who is about to turn 5 years old.

"It is very important that you connect with the other person on a human level and also with their expectations. We met for a few months and from the beginning

, "he says.

The child lives with the mother and he has a visiting regime: "We are like separated parents, but from the beginning."

Fernando recommends that future co-parents and comadres draw up a detailed agreement and ratify it in court.

At the time, they only signed a private agreement at the time that has caused some roughness between the parties, although their verdict is clear: "I am very happy to have chosen this path.

, "he says.

The child assumes his family with total naturalness: "He accepts that we have different environments and lives it normally. When we make plans together, it is true that he is very excited," he acknowledges.

Maria del Mar: "I've known the person who could be my son's co-father for four months"

Still from 'Much more than friends'.

Maria del Mar is the fictitious name of a 41-year-old woman who prefers not to reveal her identity.

Four months ago he met the man who, if all goes well, will be his son's

-father and explains his reasons for getting out of the traditional corset: "Romantic love blinds you and then divorces come. I see it in my environment. In those breakups of couple suffer the children," he says.

Reaching that decision has not been easy, because it has required

and that, let's admit it, is an exercise that requires awareness and will: "It is a

decision . I don't know what will happen in the future, but now I do. I see very clearly", ditch.

"Economically I can have a child alone [she is a team leader in an international logistics company], but it is not my option. I want my son to have

and have someone's support in case something happens to me," she acknowledges.

She had a stable partner a few years ago and they talked about children, but a professional career full of travel left no room for a baby.

"It was never the time. I broke up and thought 'what now?'" she admits.

Other relationships came along, she froze her eggs, and "I knew the time for motherhood would come."

And she arrived.

A few months ago she signed up for a co-

agency .

"They organized a meeting and a boy and I have been seeing each other for four months. Everything has been very smooth," she says.

They date once a week: "We've talked a lot about each other. We both want to start a family, a team, and soon I'm going to

."

One of her upcoming plans is to get away to live together and continue shaping her project.

Falling in love with the co-father is not in his plans (or vice versa), although, of course, he does contemplate having sentimental partners: "If I meet someone, it is likely that he also has children. I do not see it as a problem," he says.

If everything goes as before, in the middle of the year they will go to an assisted reproduction clinic to look for a pregnancy.

"I live it with great enthusiasm," she concludes.

How do co-parenting platforms and agencies work?

Still from the film 'Friends with kids' ('Friends with children').

David Reyes is the founder of the online community Copping, a kind of social network created in 2021 in which 12,000 people interested in co-parenting and new family models are registered.

His principles are based on respect for diversity and flexibility.

Each user can register for free and there is a payment option with more content for 15 euros per month.

Its function is to put co-parents and comadres in contact, although it is not a 'tinder': "I do not believe in the 'match' that does work in other applications. Co-parenting must be responsible, people must investigate a lot, talk and share says Reyes.

"Actually, it's not something revolutionary. There have always been friends who have had children, it just hasn't had visibility," he says.

In Copping most of its users are

.

"It's not easy for homosexuals to have children. I considered it myself, but I couldn't find a community with which to feel identified. That's why I created Copping," she says.

For him, the advantages of raising two of them are above all logistical, but beware, he denies that this is a practical and cold agreement: "There is a lot of love in co-parenting. Very excited people come to this process and these children are

," he concludes. .

There is a lot of love in co-parenting.

These children are highly desired

David Reyes, from 'Copaping'

Carmen Balaguer is an anthropologist and is behind the Copaternidad Barcelona agency.

After thinking about the matter and verifying that in other countries there were already companies to find people with whom to have a child, she decided to give her professional project a professional body in 2021.

"It is a common phrase among friends that 'if we are not parents at 40, we do it together'. But not everyone has someone to raise that with," says Balaguer.

That's what they are for.

She is very careful in the way she explains how agencies like hers work, because she wants to banish the false idea that

It

on the web because, precisely, it is not a dating application.

"This doesn't work like that. We pass out a questionnaire for the person to answer basic questions, we do an interview and we even ask for a criminal record and sexual offenses report," he explains.

With that information, they see who they can fit in with and if both parties agree, the telephone numbers are provided.

"Couples start dating and we follow up. It's usually once a week and important issues about how they want to be parents should come up in those appointments. It's not about forcing, but there are important conversations that have to come out," he says .

It refers to issues such as how their relationship will be during the pregnancy,

, how will they manage the daily life of their child, what will be the distribution of paternity leave,

, what will their education, school, etc.

They also have the advice of

, who support the process and when everything is clear, the agreements reached are reflected in writing.

"A very intense climate of

is created because both are aware that co-parenting is a great project. In addition, people want to know everything about the other person, the good and the bad, so as not to be surprised," explains Carmen Balaguer.

"It's not a matter of knowing each other for two or three months"

From Copaternidad Barcelona they insist that to know if two people are compatible to have a child it is necessary to know each other very well, something that "is not a matter of two or three months".

Balaguer clarifies that the thing is

.

"Right now we have ten or twelve couples formed that are determined. It is a very slow process, and it is normal for it to be so. It is about seeing each other as a family member. The day the first child is born is going to be very exciting, " recognize.

What if that couple falls in love?

"It's not the idea, but it can happen. The people who turn to us have thought about it very well and they don't make decisions lightly. They have come to the conclusion that you are looking for someone suitable to have a child but leaving aside the sentimental relationship" , holds.

The profile of women who come to her agency is between 33 and 43 years old.

The boys, a little older: between 37 and 47. In any case, they are educated people, with a high economic level and "culturally cultivated".

Contrary to what many might think, Balaguer assures that now they are beginning to be more encouraged to use this route: "At the beginning there were more men. They don't give it much thought. They are aware that life changes and couples too, so they take more steps.

. "

All tied up and well tied up

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Isabel Winkels is the director of Winkels Abogados, family lawyer and vice dean of the Madrid Bar Association.

As an expert, she believes that you have to be very careful in the agreements in this type of relationship.

"You have to take absolutely everything into account. There are many breakups of couples in which the members have lived together and know each other a lot. Because of the children, custody, visits, pensions, religion, the type of school..." , it states.

For this reason, he believes that this family model does not escape either, on the contrary, from possible divergences: "From ethical and political matters to whether or not they make

, what extracurricular activities they go to, how expenses are distributed, how it will be breastfeeding, where the child will live... Anything can get complicated," he insists.

In this way, Winkels recommends detailing as much as possible a

that includes all the 'hot' points and foresees the greatest part of possible future conflicts.

"This document must be drawn up by a specialized professional and

so that it has executive force. It is useless to sign a private agreement before a notary public. That is a declaration of will, but little else, "he says.

"We are talking about a child, a living being, and the first thing is to respect their rights to guarantee that they have a childhood without violence, stable and with love," concludes the lawyer.

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