From 'love bombing' to 'breadcrumbing', the new diseases of love and how to detect them
Isabel Preysler and Tamara, Carolina de Mónaco and Carlota, Cayetana de Alba and Eugenia... Is the way of loving inherited?
Non-monogamy has become a legitimate option for many people.
Some of them have been dating for years and want to break with the routine, but for others it constitutes a starting point from the beginning of the relationship.
Regardless of the modality they choose
(hierarchical or non-hierarchical open relationship, polyamory, swingers or relational anarchy),
non-monogamous relationships must always be considered from the knowledge of our needs and limits, as well as respecting the needs and limits of the people with whom we bond
Regarding this issue, the idea has been imposed that non-monogamy
can be a good response to relationship problems.
And yes, obviously it can be!
But we should not accept this idea in absolute terms, at least if we care about our mental health, our erotica and the bond with the other.
Frankly, a non-monogamous relationship is unlikely to become a viable and positive option when we don't know the reasons for our sexual dissatisfaction.
disappearance of the stimulus of novelty
as a relationship matures, the consumption of certain psychoactive drugs, the expansion of roles (from lovers to parents) or a spiral of conflicts, sometimes related to coexistence and expectations for the future, can lead us to to that dissatisfaction.
Believing that non-monogamy can act like a Band-Aid here is quite naive, perhaps even a desperate attempt to break the relationship and not explore other options, more consistent with shared values.
In this context, couples therapy or sex therapy may be better options than throwing a (consensual) dog in the air... Regardless of the type of relationship we have, managing sexual dissatisfaction requires
time and dedication.
My advice is to be wary of any 'solution' that seems quick, brief and miraculous.
'I like to like'
I suspect that in a hypersexualized culture there are not a few people who like to like, seduce and, ultimately, destroy.
Desiring to be liked does not have to be understood as something strictly negative.
Confirming our desirability is something that possibly all of us have done at some point.
However, this attention seeking can reveal
a self-esteem problem
when we use conquests to fill a feeling of emptiness.
Using non-monogamous relationships to get around or cope with our emotional shortcomings is a big mistake.
Also, sooner or later we can end up doing a lot of damage to people who have no responsibility for our shortcomings.
The priority should be to heal
and then consider whether it is a possibility for us (and our partner) to explore non-monogamy.
due to social pressure
In some social circles, non-monogamy may be the norm, and in the face of this, it is difficult to escape group pressure.
His experience is subject to qualifiers such as
'cool', 'modern' or 'revolutionary'.
In this context, traditional relationships are presented as a social imposition, enemies of freedom and the empowerment of subjects.
Some people throw themselves into polyamory or the swinger life without considering whether such options are part of their sexual needs and values.
That is to say, they resort to non-monogamy 'for fashion' and
end up well scalded
by their lack of self-knowledge.
Jealousy, insecurities about one's own physique, lack of honesty or obsessive evaluation of sexual performance can destroy a relationship that, to date, was not only traditional but also stable, healthy and satisfactory.
Toxic (or abusive) relationship
There are those who believe that opening a relationship is the last cartridge to prevent a person from leaving us.
a disastrous occurrence,
as is having a child to 'save what is ours'.
A minimum in a relationship should be to feel safe, that is, that the bond is trustworthy and reciprocal.
Life is not always easy and on many occasions, when we experience a problem, we look for an anchor in our trusted people.
Often our partner is within that circle.
However, if the relationship is characterized by a lack of stability and support, where lack of communication, violent communication and
fear of commitment predominate,
it will be very difficult to face the insecurities, misunderstandings and conflicts of an unconventional relationship.
There are many people who propose a non-monogamous relationship (or who practice it) without applying aspects that are unavoidable in any healthy relationship: responsibility, honesty, mutual care and equality (yes, equality: non-monogamy does not magically purge you of misogyny). .
Of course, there are also
people who force their partner
to make that decision and mark them as 'closed-minded' or 'boring'.
Undoubtedly, this attitude is a good clue to say no, not only to a possible non-monogamy but to that specific relationship.
No one has the right to pressure you to decide how to live your sexuality and establish your relationships freely.
Misconceptions in the face of scarce information or poor sexual education
Not having clear ideas
Not having clear ideas
or lacking a common code about non-monogamous relationships can disconnect us from our partner.
Does loving and wanting mean the same to my partner as it does to me?
Do you believe like me that the ideal thing is not to have sex with people in our friendly circle?
Is it better to tell him what I'm going to do before or after it's over?
Idealizing this type of connection, lacking emotional skills or not understanding what we are talking about can blow up the relationship with our travel companion (or companions).
This is not a game
and no one is linked alone.
If there are difficulties establishing agreements, managing emotions such as jealousy and guilt, or negotiating limits, the recommendation is to visit a sexology professional and learn to continue playing as a team.
According to the criteria of The Trust Project