Give the child the right to improve and grow, and the parent-child relationship is more harmonious

　　"I told you a long time ago" "You always do this" "How many times have I told you" "Look at other people's children"... In the communication between parents and children, these words are the mantras of many parents .

　　"I just listen to what she says, and I usually don't refute it face to face." Jiang Ya, who has just entered university, told reporters that in her growing up, her mother was the absolute leader in everything from dressing up to studying abroad.

This kind of restraint allowed Jiang Ya to hide her real appeal and try to avoid conflicts with her mother.

　　"The parent-child relationship is sometimes a mess, and sometimes it's a glass of honey." During the interview, many parents and children expressed such feelings.

Between intimacy and distance, authority and equality, between the parent who defends the majesty and the child who maintains himself, it seems easy to lose the balance.

So, how should parents communicate with their children?

How to discipline children for doing wrong things?

How to create a warm family environment?

According to psychologists, these parent-child problems can be solved through effective communication.

Tolerate and encourage the use of "choice questions" instead of "judgment questions" and give children the right to improve

　　"At that time, I was taking online classes. I found that she didn't take classes seriously for a month, and secretly chatted with classmates online and read novels every day. I got very angry with her. I felt so trusting in her, but she was not so self-disciplined , It was not as good as I imagined, and I felt that I fell into the abyss all of a sudden. children's feelings".

　　Li Ya has realized, "Learning is only a trigger for conflicts, and the core is actually a problem of communication. I think it is a small matter, but she thinks it is very important; when she tells me something, how do I deal with it?" It was inappropriate, so she didn't take the initiative to tell me about some problems later. Sometimes I just asked my classmates about her performance in school, and she felt that I was invading her privacy."

　　"Now in our family education, parents often preach to their children unilaterally, lacking heart-to-heart communication, that is, empathy, because many parents do not understand the real needs of their children." Zhang Meiling, an educational psychologist, believes that many parents do not know How to communicate effectively, speaking more and listening less is a common problem of many parents, thinking that preaching is a way to express concern and love.

But in the eyes of children, parents' nagging makes them feel stressed.

　　"Preaching will definitely bring rebellion. Because it is a kind of authoritative suppression, it reflects the unequal parent-child relationship. In this kind of family, children have no space and opportunity to express themselves, and only parents judge children unilaterally ” Wei Qingwang, associate professor of the Department of Psychology at Renmin University of China, also opposes didactic parent-child education.

　　What is effective communication?

Wei Qingwang emphasized that communication is two-way. It is necessary to give children a sense of security, guide children to communicate, and finally achieve an equal communication effect of joint discussion.

"For example, if a child throws a temper tantrum after coming home from school, parents should control their emotions and ask him why he is unhappy today and what happened in school. After understanding the situation, the problem is actually half solved, because the child can Feeling that his emotions are accepted, he gets a sense of security from his parents. Next, parents can put forward some hypotheses for the child, such as providing several solutions, asking the child which one he thinks is better, or asking the child what other What would students do. Using 'choice questions' instead of 'judgment questions' makes it easier to develop children's autonomy and give the right to improve to the children themselves."

　　On the other hand, effective communication requires parents to teach by example. In addition to language expression, parents' speech and behavior have a great impact on children.

"Parents should think about themselves from the perspective of their children. What do children think of themselves?" Wei Qingwang said, "If parents only use the family as a leisure place and children can't see their parents at work, then children are learning. Conversely, if parents express clearly to their children when they are working, 'Mom and Dad are working, this is very important, so I can't play with you'. Children can subtly realize that parents and themselves are independent As an individual, he will be more serious about his studies. This way of expression can give children a sense of security, and at the same time clearly draw the bottom line."

Praise gently but firmly, criticize seriously, and punish cautiously

　　"Because I think Keke is very smart, I have high requirements for her since she was a child. When I was in kindergarten, I asked her to recite a poem every day, and during summer vacation, I recited three-character scriptures and thousand-character prose. When she can easily reach the goal I set When the goal is reached, I will have higher and higher demands on her." As a mother of two girls, educating children is a major priority for Liu Xiaohui.

After entering adolescence, the eldest daughter Ke Ke's self-awareness sprouted, and she began to try to express her dissatisfaction with her mother's strict control, and even resisted her mother's authority.

"Some time ago, Ke Ke spilled the chemical experiment toy potion everywhere, and refused to admit her mistake, so I threw her toys away in a fit of anger. As a result, that night, in order to revenge me, she secretly broke all my lipsticks. "Liu Xiaohui told reporters.

　　In the parent-child relationship, how parents express their attitudes and guide their children is a difficult problem.

In traditional educational concepts, the sense of authority of parents and elders often points to stick education, but with the development of society, individual rights and individual feelings are valued, and blind punishment can easily hurt children's fragile hearts.

　　Wei Qingwang believes that punishment is okay, but it must be combined with positive means. Through tolerance and encouragement, children can feel a sense of security and build trust in their parents.

"Although in Eastern culture, punishment is also a way of expressing love, but children must feel that although I have been punished, my parents still love me. Punishment needs to be well grasped, and the 'whip' is held high and light. Just drop it lightly and act as a deterrent."

　　Zhang Meiling believes that punishment can be used or not.

She made three suggestions to parents: praise vividly, criticize seriously, and punish cautiously.

"Vivid praise" means that parents should let their children know why they are praised, and parents should have emotional resonance, express their feelings, and then extract good qualities from their children's behavior.

For example, if a child helps a classmate, it shows that the child has love.

Parents should also put forward specific hopes and tell their children what they should do in the future in order to strengthen the encouragement effect.

"Seriously criticize" means, first of all, listen to the child's ideas, secondly express the parents' feelings, tell the child why they did something wrong, and finally guide the child how to do it.

"Prudent punishment" is not about beating or scolding, but about depriving children of what they like, so that children can experience the price they should pay for making mistakes.

Accompaniment and concern Parents and children need to hold hands, but also need to let go

　　After the "lipstick incident", the cold war between Liu Xiaohui and his daughter finally ended through the mediation of his lover, "I didn't answer Ke Ke's phone calls or talk to her in those few days. Crying. Later, the child’s father criticized me, saying that such a harsh way would make the child feel less cared and loved.”

Liu Xiaohui seriously reflected, "I found that when I retracted the thorn, she also became soft."

She slowly changed the way she communicated with her children.

　　There is no shortcut to parent-child communication, and there must be high-quality companionship and attention behind it.

During the interview, many experts pointed out that only when accompanied by parents can parents perceive their children's inner needs.

Every child has a unique personality. Some children are more sensitive, while others are more autonomous. For some specific educational problems, the best answer lies in the relationship between parents and children.

　　"Parent-child companionship can enhance the resilience of the parent-child relationship and increase the emotional density between parents and children." Wei Qingwang explained: "Getting along allows children and parents to have emotional support. If they get along closely, even when parents criticize and punish their children, it still exists. There is room for return. If the emotional density is not enough, criticism and punishment will have a worse impact on the parent-child relationship.”

　　Of course, children of different ages have different needs.

Zhang Meiling explained: "Children aged 0-3 need the care of their parents the most and need to build a sense of security; children aged 3-6 need their parents to accompany them to provide enlightenment education; children aged 6-12 need their parents to change their roles to better Communicate with them in an equal way, this period is the period when children urgently seek the right to speak."

　　In a family, parents are both elders and friends. The former implies authority, while the latter implies equality. The seemingly contradictory two need parents to reconcile with love and companionship.

go is because the child needs to walk on his own in life."