I say "poisonous parent", but ... the answer I arrived at for 40 years of hikikomori mother and daughter October 3, 16:43

These days, the words “poisonous parent” and “parent gacha” are being used a lot, and even ways to cut ties with parents are being discussed.

On the other hand, there are many people who cannot give up the desire to "really want their parents to understand".

Kyoko Hayashi (56), who has been withdrawn for many years due to her mother's mental control, was one of them.

She heard that she was going to have an opportunity to speak with her mother and started interviewing her.

(Tomoko Morita, "# Neighbor Komoribito" coverage team)

I was my mother's trash can

Ms. Kyoko Hayashi continues to convey the thoughts of people who are hikikomori through the activities of the Hikikomori Association and her writing.

I have interviewed many times for programs and articles.

I was surprised to hear that Kyoko was going to be on stage with her mother at the event.

In her book published last year, The Truth About Hikikomori: Things More Important than Her Employment and Independence, she candidly describes the life of a hikikomori that began in her teens and her feud with her mother. is.

Her mother gave her permission to write her, but she didn't give her details, she said, and she didn't even ask her directly what she thought of the book, she says. .

Ms. Kyoko Hayashi

: "When I said, 'I'll write about you,' she just said, 'You can write whatever you like.' My mother read the book, but she didn't say anything to me. I don't know if he's angry because he hasn't been here.It seems that he muttered to his family, 'This is a demon baba.'"

For Kyoko, her mother was someone who "didn't feel motherhood at all."

She is Kyoko who was born as the eldest of three sisters.

Her mother's favorite saying was, "If you're going to do something, be number one."

I started playing the piano when I was in the first grade of elementary school, and my mother gave me strict guidance toward my goal of entering a music college.

When she entered junior high school, she was asked to "score evenly", so she went to a preparatory school, which was different from the high school that Kyoko had hoped for.

She couldn't say to her mother, "If you listen to me, you'll be fine."

A family that was a transfer family that moved around the country according to the convenience of their father's work.

I struggled with adapting to the rapidly changing environment and school rules that changed each time I changed schools, but I couldn't talk to my mother about it.

After that, at the high school that he went to on the advice of his mother, he began to show serious physical symptoms such as hyperventilation and rapid weight loss, and stopped attending school.

Furthermore, I quit the high school I transferred to in one day.

For more than 10 years, I was a hikikomori intermittently, even though I struggled with attending a correspondence high school and working part-time.

Every day, Kyoko's mother complained about her father and grandmother.

"I heard my mother's complaints almost every day, and I thought of myself as a 'trash can.' However, although my mother may feel refreshed when she throws up, I was constantly bombarded with negative words, and each time I got sick.” Chikuma Shinsho written by Kyoko)

I was "oni baba"

May this year.

More than 50 people gathered at the event held in Tokyo, including parents with children who have been hikikomori and those who have experienced them.

There was her mother Setsuko Hayashi (pseudonym, 84 years old).

Regarding her impressions after reading her book, Setsuko spoke with a resolute attitude.

Ms. Setsuko:

"I thought it was a terrible demon. But I didn't do it with the intention of bullying or abusing my daughter. It was financially difficult when I was growing up and when my daughter was. There is a big gap in the world.Although I was hurt, I was able to stand up with the feeling of "what's wrong".(My daughter) is a little lukewarm, so I don't think it's a good idea to put a smile on it. was"

Ms. Kyoko:

"Even if it looks terrible from the child's point of view, I think all mothers think, 'I didn't do it on purpose.' I think so, but I'm not the type to rouse myself with happa, so I wanted you to reassure me."

In the exchange, Setsuko revealed that she gave birth to a child without having the confidence to become a mother and had conflicts.

Setsuko:

I wondered if it was okay for an imperfect person like me to have a child. I didn't have enough power."

As a “child born incidentally”

Setsuko said that she had conflicts as a mother.

I visited her at her house and asked her about the details.

Setsuko was the second youngest of eight siblings to her parents who were both born in the Meiji period.

From her taciturn mother and her craftsman father, she says she has no recollection of "having done anything to her" and that she made all the decisions on her own.

She described herself as "a child born incidentally".

When she was in the first grade of elementary school, the war ended, her father was unemployed, and the family was struggling.

Setsuko gave up on her studies after graduating from high school and she joined a life insurance company.

After she got married at the age of 25, she wanted to spend fulfilling days such as challenging work and mountaineering as a hobby, and live as a DINKS (double-income couple without children).

“I myself had no memory of receiving affection from my mother, and I was not confident that I didn’t have motherhood. I thought

However, she gave birth to her husband who longed for a child.

She quit her job and began moving her around the country to accommodate her husband's work.

Just as I was worried at first, the thought that "I will do it perfectly" led me to parenting, and it also affected my daughter.

“There are a lot of things I wanted to do when I was a child but couldn’t. I did it and I had no doubts that my daughter could do it."

In the midst of the anxiety of “absence of father”

Raising children while being repeatedly transferred and unable to rely on anyone.

The school life, exams, and friendships of three children who are forced to transfer schools every few years.

Anxiety was always with me.

However, her husband came home late from work and she was a quiet person.

"It's fine as long as they grow up healthy."

"If you write your name down, you'll be accepted to a school somewhere

. "

“I don’t have confidence in my own methods. It seems that he originally thought, 'I'm fine as long as I'm healthy and alive.

Setsuko said that she was always irritated because she felt that such an attitude was too cerebral.

The frustration turned toward the children in the form of “strictness”.

In particular, she sometimes complained about Kyoko, her eldest daughter.

“Looking back now, I think I unconsciously uttered all the things that had piled up in my mind as if I was throwing them in the trash can. I think it's sinful.The time [Kyoko-san] suffered for many years was the most sensitive time, and it was supposed to be the most enjoyable time.I killed it.After all, I did something terrible. think"

without understanding each other

The two have been living together for the past two years after their father passed away.

While there are parents and children who cut ties without getting along, it seems that in the 40 years since he began to be a hikikomori, he has "never completely cut ties."

The reason for this is that Kyoko had 10 years in her 20's and 30's where she had a lot of conflict.

When she was in her twenties, Kyoko felt that the source of her own difficulty in living was in her relationship with her mother, and night after night she took out her anger on her mother. It was like

Ms. Setsuko:

"When I'm about to go to bed after dinner, she'll come at me for hours. Even until 3:00 or 4:00 in the morning. I have work the next day, so I'm going to say, 'It's a little bad, but could you please be sloppy?' ', they would say, 'Which is more important, work or me?'"

“I can never lose, so I clash with each other seriously. Little by little, things started to build up inside me, leading to a better understanding.

On the other hand, for Kyoko, the experience of clashing with her mother was a great source of inspiration in a different way.

She realized that her mother was a different person than she was, and that it was impossible for her to understand each other.

Ms. Kyoko:

"I suddenly realized. Ah, this is impossible. It's a kind of 'giving up.' I wanted my mother to understand my pain. So, I guess I finally got it. So instead of looking at my mother, I thought I had to do my own thing properly."

"I have to get my life back."

After that, Kyoko left home and started working as a part-time worker.

As she further expanded her world, including her career and marriage, she "felt a sense of regaining control of her life," she recalled. .

“In the past, my mother occupied about 90% of my world, but the existence of my mother gradually became smaller and smaller, and changed into a mere part of my world. Along with the physical distance, I became able to live myself again.”

About 20 years have passed since then.

Now that they have resumed living together, they sometimes go out together for hobbies, avoiding conflicts and not stepping into each other's territory, and so on.

Ms. Kyoko:

“My mother and I are very close, but in the sense that we are the most difficult to understand, we are the furthest apart. However, it is only natural that we have completely different personalities, feelings, and the times and environments in which we were raised. No matter what kind of people you are, if there are people who are different, there will be people who disagree with each other.

“If you are alive and well”

At home, the two of them had a lively conversation while flipping through albums.

There were detailed records of Kyoko's growth, such as photos from when Kyoko was born, her first festival, and Christmas.

The message attached to the side of the letter contained the frank thoughts of a new mother.

" Your

face looks strange. Even so, it looks cuter than other babies, and I'm worried that it's smaller than other babies. Parents immediately show up.

" It's my first time taking a bath with my mom.

Kyoko:

Even though I said my mother didn't have motherhood, I never thought that she didn't love me. I think it was

On the other hand, Setsuko who cornered her daughter.

She told me that while she was flipping through albums and maternal and child handbooks and tracing her memories, she had a thought that welled up.

Ms. Setsuko:

"If only I could put all the children back in my stomach one more time and start over, I would say, 'I'll let you guys do it more and more freely.' Like I've been through, I'm going to bump into myself and get hurt.I'm going to suffer

pain.But I want to say, I want to say, ``Isn't it good because it's an experience? Right now, I think it's the role of parents to back up their children so that they can live freely and in their own way.

And finally, Setsuko is her husband who passed away two years ago.

"I hope you're fine," she said about her children's grades and careers, as well as her changing feelings about her husband, who didn't care about her.

“Recently, I think that my husband, who seemed to be maddened by the thought, ‘I just want to live in good health,’ may have understood that parents should just watch over their children. I didn't look back and didn't look to the side, so I didn't realize it.It

may be too late to realize it when I'm over 80, but I'm glad I was able to notice it before I died.The rest of my life. I want to live honestly with my feelings, without being bound by what I have to do.”

Social Program Department Director

Tomoko Morita

Responsible for website "# Neighbor Komoribito" Produced

NHK specials such as "Drama Komoribito", "Death of a Hikikomori", and ETV special feature "Utsusemi no Ie".

# My Neighbor Komoribito

Click here for the website directed by Director Morita

Asaichi "What I learned apart from my 'poisonous parent'"

Broadcast on September 28, 2022 (Wednesday)

It has been 10 years since the word "poisonous parent" became known.

Covering the "after" when I was insulated or distanced from my parents.

Some people feel guilty for abandoning their parents, and others worry about whether or not they should be cared for.

Explore the shape and distance between parents and children while looking at each decision.

*You can watch the missed broadcast on NHK Plus for one week after the broadcast.

"If you say it's watery, you're successful." How to leave your parents and put your own happiness in the middle

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