Can you be friends with an ex, like Irina Shayk and Bradley Cooper?

• Dating apps: how to make healthy use without living frustrated

• Summer loves, how to keep the flame burning even in September

This doubt is the supposed anticipation of the future that many people want to

to when their relationship ends and they face the abyss of the definitive, tormented by the idea of ​​removing the person they loved so much from their lives forever.

Is it a fallacy that we tell ourselves or can you really be friends with an ex?

Psychology, as a science, already warns us that in the complex repertoire of human behavior there are as many different cases as there are people in the world.

That is why each question deserves an individualized response.

Among many other factors, how we manage a separation

our personality style, what the other is like, how the relationship has passed, the quality of communication, the intimacy that has been shared, etc. .

And, of course, also about the reasons that led to the breakup and how it happened.

The importance of time

However, despite this enormous variability of factors, some

can be identified that, in general terms, are applicable to most cases.

For example, the friendship immediately after the breakup tends to be

And it is not because one of the two lies, but because normally the one who is left clings to "the idea of ​​being friends" as a way to be able to return and rebuild the sentimental relationship, while the other really understands that he is The couple has broken up and what remains is pure companionship.

One of the two clearly loses out, because he will be frustrated again and will perpetuate the suffering of separation.

The actor and the model when they were still a couple, at the 2019 Oscars.Getty

It is true that there are ruptures by absolute mutual agreement (they are the fewest, but they do exist) and it might seem that in this case friendship is more easily achievable.

But, in the same way, a time of distance is usually pertinent and necessary that allows adopting new perspectives, going through all the emotions associated with change, and

How to get to friendship

And, more in the long term,

for a relationship to become a friendship, as it seems to happen, for example, to Bradley Cooper and Irina Shayk?

Let's think about what are the fundamental pillars on which a relationship is based.

Every sentimental relationship is based on the development of three concepts without which love cannot be understood:

(read more about Sternberg's Triangular Theory of Love if you are interested in this matter).

Let us now compare love with friendship:

• Of

  intimacy,

  in emotional terms, understood as the process of getting to know each other deeply and sharing, we could say that it is common to friends and couples, being one of the most beautiful characteristics of interpersonal relationships: getting to know each other and getting to know each other, talking of emotions, share experiences and trust.

• Commitment,

  in terms of the

  existence of pacts of loyalty, is also part of friendship, but it does so in a substantially different way since, while the couple's relationship is exclusive and committed in the broadest sense of the word and that commitment extends to practically all areas of a person's life, friendly relationships, on the other hand, are not exclusive but inclusive, and these commitments can be broken down, diversified in different people and guaranteed only partially, without this supposes an offense.

• And finally, what about

  passion?

  Passion, in terms of desire, is an exclusive part of what a couple shares.

  With few exceptions, passion does not tend to be sought outside.

  Even people who are in an open relationship tell you how sexuality, as they experience it with their partner, has nothing to do with what they can experience with third parties.

A change of perspective

At this point, everyone can draw their own conclusions.

When an already broken relationship becomes a friendship, it is certain that the remains of that shared intimacy can be preserved, almost like gold on cloth.

It will be very rewarding to continue experiencing it.

But, all this goes through a very complex process in which the two ex-lovers have to understand that

that they can no longer share the same plots of life, that they do not occupy the same position in the life of the other, etc.

And this is only achieved by going through the stages of a grieving process.

In addition, we cannot lose sight of the passionate component... If the touch makes love, the contact also arouses passions.

We need time to pass, to accumulate certain experiences that allow us to

In this field, moreover, emotions rule more than reasons, and often our reactions are beyond our control.

This being the case, friendship after love is not impossible, far from it, but it is the result of

You love a friend but you also listen to him, accompany him and advise him... In addition to the fact that the reasons for the breakup must be understood and forgiven, the feelings that one day were harbored as to be able to build a true friendship with a former partner.

Conforms to The Trust Project criteria

Know more

• lifestyle

• couples