Norway
Why is the "love and punishment" for children so principled?
Some "living fossils" remain in Norwegian, revealing long-lost corporal punishments: ear-twisting, sticking with branches, hair pulling, spanking, shutting out, etc.
After a long time, it was not long before 1972, spanking and pinching the ears were still legal.
Norway's 2010 amendments to the Children's Act
Make it clear that any form of violence is unacceptable
After 1972, the law on parental discipline was abolished; in 1987, the Children's Law included new provisions: "A slap on the palm of the hand or the buttocks in trousers is acceptable as an immediate reaction, but pulling on the ears or Other punishments that are more excessive than this are not allowed." It seems that pulling the ears is a dividing line.
In 2010, this dividing line was also abolished. The revised Children's Law clearly stated that any form of violence is unacceptable for children, whether it occurs in the process of discipline or not, and the safety of children is further guaranteed.
Kindergarten staff and school teachers must not "educate" through corporal punishment. Not only can they not, but they also become the guardians of children, strictly monitoring whether children are illegally disciplined at home.
How does the teacher monitor it?
See if there are any scars on the children, listen to what the children say about the situation at home, and observe the children. If there are abnormal behaviors, such as sudden beatings, big changes in personality, irritability, and silence, they may have been abused or illegally disciplined at home. signs.
When my son was a child, the kindergarten teacher once asked him how the blue spot on his back came from, and I said a birthmark - anyway, the teacher would feel at ease after asking.
The local definition of "corporal punishment" is strict
Parents may even lose custody of their children
The experience of one of my Chinese girlfriends was a little more complicated: she went to the police station with her husband.
Her husband is German, and the two foreign parents were the main suspects for the Norwegian teacher.
Her four-year-old son said in kindergarten that his father wanted him to take a bath, but he refused, so his father beat him and threw him to the ground.
This is not bad, the kindergarten reported immediately, the two were summoned to the police station for investigation, and the child was questioned by the police specializing in talking with children.
When the father said that there was absolutely no violence, the child refused to take a bath and got under the sofa, so he had to pull the child out, and then controlled the child with both hands and put it into the bathtub.
The police questioned the parents of the child for a long time about the strength of the "pull" and the importance of "putting" the child into the bathtub, and finally chose to believe the parents.
There is a big gap between other European countries and Nordic countries such as Norway and Sweden in the concept of children's education, which has led to some European parents who went to work in Norway and were suddenly attacked by the child welfare protection department, and even lost their child custody rights, not to mention those from developing countries. of immigrant parents.
According to Norway's Central Statistics Office, the reason child welfare agencies track a generation of immigrant children is often physical violence by their parents, which is more frequent than non-immigrant families.
Somali woman Amina has four sons, aged 11, 10, 5 and 4.
Two eldest children were born during the war in Somalia, and the younger two were born in Norway.
One of the sons said "Mama beat people".
Although the kindergarten teacher went to court to say good things about Amina, saying she was a good mother, Amina lost custody of her four children and filed a lawsuit with the Child Welfare Bureau.
When asked if she hit her children, Amina said: "I didn't know it was illegal to hit children in Norway. I didn't get any information on this when I came to Norway. I can't read or write, and I'm illiterate."
The local child welfare bureau's criteria for judging housework
is in the best interest of the child
Mariette Sivennes of the University College of Bergen has studied the conflicts between parents and child welfare bureaus in this group. Although language barriers and cultural differences are important reasons, the most profound root is that child welfare The bureau and the Norwegian government have determined that the best interests of the child should be the criterion for family affairs. If there is a conflict between the interests of the parents and the interests of the children, the interests of the parents must be sacrificed to ensure the interests of the children.
The logic of "I am for the good of my children" often held by Asian and African immigrant parents will be reduced to "you need your children to do this based on your own interests" in the Norwegian authorities.
I agree with this logic.
Thinking about some of the behaviors of the children that made my dissatisfaction gradually escalated to "angry": what is spilled, or unable to go out for a long time, etc., it is just not in the interests of the parents.
And for kids, it's in their interest to have an environment where they're not afraid to make mistakes, and an environment where they can arrange themselves at their own pace.
Want your kids to be more disciplined?
Forcing children to lead by example
The practice of Asian parents to manage their children’s mobile phone or game time is generally compulsory, such as confiscation of mobile phones and shutting down the Internet. Game time will also become hard currency in the system of reward and punishment for children, but this practice can be regarded as “material abuse” strictly speaking. , is to realize the control of people through the control of objects.
I used to say to my kids, "Then don't play iPads for a week," until the kid said, "Why do you always say that?" I suddenly realized, am I so incompetent?
Other than that, is there no way to reason with the child?
We haven't used playtime as a reward or punishment tool since then.
I often share research findings on internet addiction, media senses, etc. on video game design with my child to make him play consciously and selectively.
Norwegian parents are seldom forced to reduce their children’s screen time, but mostly lead by example. For example, no one is allowed to play mobile phones at family dinners, increase non-gaming activities, watch movies together, and ride bicycles together.
The concept of equality in education is by no means a Nordic specialty.
Only when parents are willing to accept the same rules as children can children truly agree with these rules, which has nothing to do with rewards and punishments.
Text / Shubo (now living in Norway)
Netherlands
Because I yelled at the child twice, I was interviewed by the local child protection department
Never thought that one day I would be investigated by the local government's youth and child protection unit - they suspected me of violence against my son, child abuse.
I can't argue with this nonsense, and I have to cooperate honestly.
The cause of the incident was that one day when my son was going to school, he had no intention of telling the teacher in front of the teacher that his mother was yelling at him at home on weekdays.
The teacher was instantly alert and asked him: "Will your mother hit you?" The ignorant boy blurted out: "She is very loud when she yells, I'm afraid she will hit me." In this way, the teacher in the class reported to the school social security officer, The security officer reported it to the city government's youth and child protection department, and I was interviewed immediately.
On the day of the conversation, in the school's security management office, there was a round table with five people sitting around. All of them looked at me kindly, and everyone had the words "Frankly be lenient, resist being strict", and the atmosphere was weird. Extremely.
In such a situation, my brain also started to work very fast.
I remembered that I had heard from another Chinese friend, J, that she had been interviewed by the same department of the government.
The reason is that the child has an allergic rash on his body. When he went to the family doctor, he was suspected of being beaten at home.
The family doctor urgently reported his doubts to the relevant government departments.
No matter how much she argued, she wanted to make it clear that it was only caused by her body allergies, but the matter still bothered her for more than half a year. While she had to cooperate with the hospital to check the child's body, the government had to educate her every two weeks. Psychological counseling for children.
Any message from a child's mouth that has a bad parental attitude will become a new reason to intervene.
I vividly remember when she talked about her "struggle experience": be sure to repeatedly show them your unwavering love for your children.
You must also have a good confession with your child, and never say anything unfavorable to the parents.
Otherwise, the government will regard the child as unsafe and take him to a protection organization to live and live.
Thinking that I didn't beat the child anyway, and the child didn't have any scars, I expected that they wouldn't do anything to me, so I started to deal with them respectfully and fearlessly.
First of all, he highly affirmed and praised the serious and responsible attitude of schools and government departments.
Secondly, self-examination on the inappropriate methods of educating children at ordinary times, and expressed determination to correct the problem of impatient patience.
Finally, I emphasized the difference between Chinese culture and Western education methods in children's education, and I realized that we should find a balance between the two cultures.
Also ask them to respect our culture.
I want to end this kind of investigation and education that I don't even agree with in my heart.
As a mother, in fact, I know very well that when my son "speaks" to the teacher and yells at him, he is not trying to expose me at all.
We are used to this kind of relationship.
In our Chinese culture, the discipline of children is more meticulous. When he is 12 years old, I have never beat him, but as a Chinese mother, some necessary discipline in traditional culture must be adhered to, so " "Hedong's roar" is quite common, how many parents can never get angry?
From the bottom of my heart, I don't want them to talk to me and children again and again, to complicate simple things, but to cause psychological burdens to children.
But I'm still naive.
They still didn't let us off the hook, they wanted to visit the house, provide psychological counseling to the children, and educate me.
Then I was interviewed twice, and the "farce" still hasn't ended.
After trying to refuse several times to no avail, I had to recognize the situation and be educated obediently.
The Dutch educational philosophy holds that, from a national level, children are social, and even parents cannot harm them; from a family level, even if parents do not approve of their children's ideas, they still choose to respect their children.
For example, most Dutch parents will not force their children to learn things they don't like.
With this guiding ideology, they won't yell at children.
Another Chinese friend of mine, M, told me that he had a similar experience.
They just immigrated to the Netherlands from China a few years ago. They were worried that their children's Dutch was not good enough, so they asked them to do some homework at home (there is no homework in Dutch primary schools).
The child is sometimes reluctant, and once the father hit his son's arm in a fit of anger, leaving a bruise - that was the only time he hit his son.
Of course, the bruise was seen by the teacher, and what happened next can be imagined.
M told me that they were also educated for half a year.
The government staff actually told them that the child could not do his homework if he didn't want to do it, which would cause psychological harm to him.
In order to end such repeated home visits and conversational education as soon as possible, they had to assure the government that they would no longer force their children to do homework.
Perhaps cultural background, social rules and human environment are the factors that cause us to be different. This topic is a big challenge for us overseas Chinese.
How to find a balance between these two different educational concepts is a topic that we cannot avoid.
Text/Li Tingting (now living in the Netherlands)
new Zealand
Three experiences associated with the New Zealand educational environment
I have always believed that the best home education is love, and that education methods are extended from the foundation of true love.
From China to New Zealand, I have thought and experienced the growth of my two sons in different cultural environments, which I would like to share with you.
Children's opinions are fully respected
even if it may not be the best
In New Zealand, school choice is also crucial for a family, but it is trivial in the face of children's opinions.
My new neighbour is an English family who just moved from London. When they first arrived in Auckland, they rented another place. All three children went to a nearby public school. After buying the house next door, the youngest son could Transfer to a school 5 minutes away from home, and this primary school has an advantage over the previous primary school.
However, I can still see the mother driving him to school every day. I can't help but ask why. It turns out that the child already has good friends at that school and doesn't want to leave the new school he just adjusted to.
Thinking back to when I first landed in Auckland, my eldest son went through the same process. I naturally transferred my son to another school, and never thought to ask his opinion.
Another neighbour of mine who has lived here for almost 30 years is a second generation immigrant from the UK with four children, one of whom went to the same high school as my eldest son - the oldest Auckland Grammar School for Boys , This school has a prominent difference from other high schools in Auckland. The exams are passed in each school year, and the classes are ranked according to the total score. Class A is the best, followed by B, C... There are 17 classes in each grade, such an exam The system is quite challenging for New Zealand kids who didn't have exams before high school. This boy from the neighbor went to another high school after attending grammar school for a while. I learned from my oldest son that he felt that grammar school was too stressful, so he let his parents Changed schools.
Parents should have enough patience
Strict does not mean strict
The traditional concept has always been "strict teachers produce high-level students" and "loving mothers and strict fathers". In short, "strictness" occupies a certain proportion in family education, but strictness does not mean strictness, but it is often easy to mix it up. Once you teach children with emotions, they will Reduce the expected effect.
I take my youngest son to tennis lessons every week. There is a little girl in the same group, who is also a classmate of the youngest son. She is a maverick student on weekdays, and she still goes her own way in each tennis class.
Once, she was immersed in picking up balls for the whole class. Dad, who was watching the game, was not angry at all. You could see the helplessness he occasionally showed, but he tried to cover it up, and he spent a whole hour like this.
When the get out of class was over, my father still patiently encouraged her, and I walked over to chat with her.
After that semester, the girl stopped coming to play tennis.
After that, I met her mother, and her mother went out of her way to thank me for encouraging her daughter.
This makes me feel that we can be friendly and encouraging to outsiders, and we should give our children more encouragement and praise from the heart.
Corporal punishment is a crime
If you are not careful, the police may come to the door
On May 15, 2007, New Zealand passed the "Anti Corporal Punishment Act", which prohibits parents from using corporal punishment to discipline their children. According to research, the number of child abuse cases in New Zealand has been greatly reduced in the past 15 years, and there are also many parents who have been brought to court by their bear children.
However, there is a lively debate in New Zealand society over whether parents should be accorded a degree of corporal punishment for discipline.
But in any case, don't beat your children while you are living in New Zealand. If you are not careful, the police may come to you.
In the community I live in, there are not many cases of Chinese spanking children. At most, a spanking shows the boundaries of certain behaviors, such as lying and stealing other people's things.
I have a Chinese friend who once accompanied her daughter to a tennis lesson. She didn’t want to come that day, so she threw her racket on the court. The mother was reasonable at first, but finally she couldn’t help hitting her daughter. The foreign mother immediately came over to comfort the child, and asked her daughter if her mother would often treat her like this. In fact, this mother was a relatively patient mother, and she must have been extremely embarrassed at the time.
I also disapprove of corporal punishment of children, especially in public places. In many cases, corporal punishment of children involves the parents' personal emotions or pressure, with a certain purpose.
Although there are many voices against this bill in New Zealand, and even marches and joint petitions, corporal punishment is currently illegal, remind the national alarm bell.
Text/Yuan Wei (now living in New Zealand)
U.S.
Chinese and American families are teaching children
How to achieve "harmony but different"?
I grew up in China. After the 1980s, my parents didn't belong to the "chicken baby" category. Although I have attended many art extracurricular classes and writing classes since I was a child, the main purpose is to cultivate sentiment and real extracurricular tutoring. Haven't been there much.
It wasn't until high school that, because of peer pressure, I followed the crowd and went to a few extra-curricular cram schools.
The only memory in my life that I was punished for kneeling was because my father found out when I was in preschool, and I asked my classmates to help me with my homework.
As for baby dads, born in a conservative Christian/military family in the United States, although being spanked is a common occurrence, it is generally based on correcting behavior and living habits, and has little to do with learning.
The two of us who grew up in opposite directions have gradually learned the principle of "harmony but difference" in our long-term life together.
I am a very Buddhist person, and I have never done anything like tutoring and learning that will raise blood pressure.
Although there are times when I see my child's homework in a dark place, for example, when the answer to my son's math homework is blank, I am so angry that I write down the words "use the brain".
I'm ashamed to say, usually when I start yelling at my baby, it's when I start to clean up the room on my own whim, which often makes my blood pressure skyrocket, because I start to find unimaginable things in unimaginable places, and the string in my head snaps. When it broke, he started shouting at the dolls: "Hurry up and pack it up for me! Immediately hurry up!" Then they saw the two dolls, who were silent, running around.
The baby's father has always looked down on my roaring baby.
Mainly because he grew up in an environment where his parents were never loud.
This is mainly because his own father's childhood was not very pleasant. His parents quarreled for many years, and the cups and bowls were flying around. It was difficult to have a family reunion weekend, which often ended with one party slamming the door, so Grandpa Wa He secretly made up his mind: he must not let the war-torn childhood repeat itself on his own children.
After the epidemic began, the children took online classes at home for a year. Because the baby's father was lucky enough to work from home, he took over the glorious task of being the mother-in-law.
One day he told me with a complicated expression, "You once told me that after yelling at the baby, it was like a kind of vent purification, and the whole mind was unclogged. I thought at the time, what a bad reason. But the scary thing is that , After I yelled at the baby, I was really in a better mood!"
Being a parent is a common practice.
We do a self-examination every time we yell at the baby.
The baby's father's theory is: educate the baby, when you are calm.
When you are in a rage, you must try to do nothing, wait until you calm down, and then reason with the baby.
Blindly yelling fosters fear, not real awareness of things.
Still, I noticed that my son was somewhat afraid of his father.
In most cases, he will come to me, not his father.
However, Dad also admitted that his fear of his father did not disappear until he was close to 30 years old.
I will also often remind my baby's father: "This child needs comfort and trust at this time, not reason. What works for baby one doesn't necessarily work for baby two."
Fighting for the baby's freedom and the right to cry was a long and arduous struggle between me and the baby's father.
Daddy grew up in a family where "emotional management" is paramount.
"Crying babies have milk to eat", this situation does not exist in their family.
Emotional outbursts often lead to severe punishment more than the wrongdoing itself.
Presumably they believe that emotional out-of-control is a manifestation of self-centeredness.
Once, our ten-year-old daughter started crying when she was sitting in the car, and I was still anxiously guessing: "Yeah, what's wrong with this child?" The father said coldly, "I know why. Because of selfishness. .Because her brother got a gift and she didn't. She cried out of jealousy." Then began to accuse the girl: "Why can't you be happy for your brother from the bottom of your heart? And your heart is just 'I me me me me'? "I had to remind him that this is a very good reason for a child to cry, and let the child continue to be a child.
We want children to be more selfless and loving, and we also need children to face their true negative emotions, to embrace them, and to reconcile with them.
Text/Xiao Pei (now living in the United States)