Why is it so hard for us to disengage from a toxic relationship?

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In the survival 'kit' we are born with,

.

If something smells or tastes bad, we reject it because it can be harmful.

This physiological disgust undergoes a curious evolution in human beings, it can spread to other congeners whom we consider "toxic", that is, potentially harmful.

It is the moral "disgust".

It serves to detect

in dealing with others.

It leads to repudiate those who have inappropriate behavior and break the rules established by biology, psychology and ethics.

It's the "I can't swallow it" or "I can't stand it" that we all exclaim at some point.

Although we can use it inappropriately to justify the exclusion of others because they are different (their appearance, their race, their status, etc.), well used, it is a risk sensor that encourages us to be cautious before a person or relationship that could cause pain.

In theory, moving away from the one that harms us following the mechanism described would be healthy, but in reality, things develop differently.

, as many others continue to eat poorly despite knowing that it is not good for their health.

I HAVE A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP

Here are some

that we hear on a daily basis.

"I am ashamed that my friends or family know how he treats me."

"I listen to their conversations because otherwise it is impossible to find out anything."

"It is the opinion of third parties that he highlights, they always go before me."

"In an emergency, I highly doubt he would drop everything to come to my aid." "My emotional or physical health is not high on his list of priorities."

"I am the person in your environment who is most likely to be denigrated" "He doesn't talk to me, what have I done? Nothing."

"Sex with hugs and cuddles, what is that?"

A toxic relationship

directly.

We speak of contempt, sarcasm or abuse, when not of veiled or brazen violence.

They are not the normal conflicts that can appear in any relationship, even for long periods.

What is toxic in relationships is defined by the egocentric desire -which is maintained over time- of self-satisfaction without taking into account the needs of the other.

WHY ARE WE HOOKED LIKE THAT?

If we know that the relationship is toxic, why is moral disgust not activated?

why do we get hooked?

Is it because we are pathetic or masochistic beings who tolerate such mistreatment?

why is it hard to leave?

These are some explanations that science has discovered:

The rebound effect

Breakups are very painful.

Research shows that the same areas of the brain light up in MRI after separation as when we break a leg.

, no matter how unhealthy it may be,

for which you have to prepare thoroughly.

The brain, through the neural circuits of attachment, evolved to ensure that it would be difficult for us to be alone, it is designed to bond us.

The loss is experienced for a time as genuine physical pain.

It also produces a rebound effect because you are flooded with positive memories, how sweet he or she was that day and you forget that it was he or she who caused your displeasure!

Back to the crime scene

In breakups, as in drug withdrawal syndrome, knowing that the presence or contact with the person frees us from suffering in a thousandth of a second makes us want to contact them again.

No matter how many friends or relatives accompany us, we know that

and, therefore, the anxiety of separation.

For this reason, many people have a hard time breaking up, although they try again and again.

Hope is the last thing you lose

Hoping things will change is common magical thinking at first, but some become so convinced that the miracle will happen that they

(which doesn't support their wishes).

The widespread idea that "he will change if he really loves me" is another self-delusion that avoids facing the fear of loneliness, the effort of breaking up and the challenge of freedom.

Think too much about each other's feelings

A study from the University of Utah, United States, published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (2018) found that many people remain in harmful relationships because they feel that the other depends too much on them.

The study reveals that the more dependent a person believes their partner is, the less likely they are to initiate a breakup, which ultimately suggests that

.

It should be noted that sometimes the perception of how much the partner needs us can be distorted.

we blur

The most toxic personality is usually the

.

His excess of self-esteem is produced by devaluing his partner.

This generates many complexes in the couple, who can doubt themselves and feel guilty.

We blur, we make ourselves invisible for fear of the other's response.

The circle of violence is a pattern found in the profile of the abuser or abuser.

His internal tension leads him to attack (not necessarily physical) and from there to regret or honeymoon.

The victim submits, buys peace, but it can be very expensive.

Beliefs that "there are no perfect relationships"

Many have difficulty acknowledging to themselves and others that they are in trouble.

"All couples fight" they say.

convinced that

and that denial forces us to put up with many things.

Or, there are the children and the fear of harming them, even if they are living in an environment where the mixture of fear and pain is even more harmful.

The history of links

In many ways, behaviors of acceptance of toxic relationships are given as a result of education itself.

If you were raised in an environment where your personal needs were secondary to others, you will be an adult who "needs" to make everyone around you happy at the expense of yourself in order to feel good.

In short, your response is that of an

.

Toxic

that make us grow while we feel respected and loved just the way we are, despite our differences.

In them, your well-being is also a priority, your opinion counts, you feel admired and protected and your partner often seeks your proximity instead of moving away from your path.

If things are not like that, it is worth asking if the saying "better known evil than good to know" is true.

How to get out of a toxic relationship

ISR

As surprising as it may seem, and even more so with the rise of divorce, many more couples than we imagine decide to give up their dream of intimacy and learn to "cope" living in a toxic relationship without getting involved in endless fights or reproaches.

The discrepancies will never completely go away, but basically they accept their partners as they are, stop taking their slights personally, pursue activities they enjoy on their own, find like-minded friends, and learn to be grateful for what their partner does more than Point out what it doesn't do.

However, if your choice is not this, and you decide to broaden your horizon, these are some of the aspects to take into account:

Get out of self-delusion.

Ask yourself what your life is really like, are you treated like someone valuable or like an enemy?

Create a support network.

Begin to narrate to your surroundings what your authentic situation is and ask them for help.

Unlink.

Generating disconnection strategies such as having your own space, giving less information, expecting few explanations helps to generate a neutral environment that detaches.

The weariness must be present.

Write down what prompted you to leave.

ISABEL SERRANO-ROSA

is a psychologist and director of EnPositivo Sí.

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