It is so difficult that there is even a

profession

, that of

manager

, specialized in the matter: so and so does not grant interviews, menganita will not answer personal questions, little zutan does not want photos ... In fact, wouldn't it be wonderful if we all had

someone who say 'no'

for us, even if it was paying him?

Because our

problem

is that as soon as social desirability comes into play, the fear of rejection, the feeling of guilt ... saying it doesn't make us mess up ... And we get a yes.

Another proof of the enormous

need

we have to

learn to say

no is the bibliography on the matter.

'Do not say yes when you want to say no', 'You can also say no', 'The courage to say no', 'Knowing how to say no', 'And when I say no it is that no', 'Practical notebook to not always say that yes', '50 exercises to know how to say no ',' The art of saying no ',' You know how to say no to your children ',' Learn to say no ',' Essay on the difficulty of saying no ',' Dare to Say no and boost your self-esteem '... My God, we are clearly in the

midst of

an

epidemic of yeses!

The psychologists

María Ibáñez and Jesús Jiménez,

authors of best sellers such as

'Order your mind to order your life' (The Sphere of Books), they know a lot about this thorny and lavish matter.

But, apart from knowing ... do they know how to say no when they want to?

"Let's say that

knowing about the subject is not enough no matter how

much it is studied, because that would only be the

rational part.

Only

facing

and

understanding

the

fear

of saying no and its possible consequences, and being aware of the damages that not doing it has, is how

one gets immunized ...

and how we have done it, indeed yes, we always say no when we want to say no ".

Fear, your main enemy here too

Well, what envy. Why are the rest of us given the matter so badly? "In general terms, when it

is difficult

for a

person to say no

to something, it is because of

one or more fears,

which will be different depending on the circumstances," explains the pair of experts. "For example, when someone is afraid to say no to a

request for a favor,

even if it is not good for him to do so, it may be out of

fear of looking bad

with that person, or

feeling selfish.

It may also be because he wants to

please

that person, because of

interest

in getting something from her, from

affection

to

material gain,

but this is still a

response to fear

of not achieving what you want.

An example would be

pleasing a boss to keep a job,

or pleasing an employee so they don't go to the competition. "

Often times, our own no's surprise us first and anger us later.

How many times has it happened to you that at a request from another person you give a

quick yes

that you later

deeply

regret

?

If you had taken time to answer, you think, maybe your answer would have been different, the classic 'count to 10 before ...'.

Or not?

In fact, María Ibáñez and Jesús Jiménez explain, when someone

does not take the time

to meditate on their response it is, again,

because of fear:

"When someone gives a quick answer and does not reflect enough before accepting something of the that later regrets is because of his

insecurity, the result of some fear,

although at the moment he is not aware of it. His

psychological state

is

conditioned by the fears

and these act

automatically

. It may be due to conflict with other people, fear of being upset, to break one's image, not to have the favor of that person ... ".

Why don't we rectify: "Where I said yes, I say no"

On the other hand, what

prevents

us

, when the time comes, after having given an unwanted yes, to

rectify

and say "I've thought better of it, I don't think so ..."? Again the

fear

, "the same one that pushed us to say yes hastily and that now

prevents us from changing our opinion

and rectifying", say the experts, and they add: "Surely many of those who are reading us have experienced that situation in which they

They regret

having

met someone

for something they

don't feel like,

and when they think about

rectifying they

don't dare, I either

go ahead without wanting to

or

make up an excuse ...

for fear of looking bad ". And all when, psychologists explain," you can always change your mind and rectify it, in a respectful way and without justifying yourself, as long as you don't really harm the other person. "

How to dominate the person in you who always says yes

At this point it is inevitable to ask

how we can act

against those

inner forces

that

constantly

boycott

us

, 'forcing' us to accept things that we do not want in any way. Is there a

technique

that can help us

say 'no'

when this is really the answer we want to give? "If it is understood that the

origin of the problem

is

fear,

it can be easily understood that

exclusively rational techniques, such

as counting to five or giving an evasion

may work at some time

but will

not solve the problem,"

explain María Ibáñez and Jesús Jiménez.

To

definitively change

that to

response automatism,

and without secondary psychological effects, they add, "you have to learn to

resolve those fears.

The correct way is to

faithfully

understand

the problem,

approach the

rational aspects

of the problem reflecting and addressing the emotional part paying

attention to the emotions,

feeling the

sensations of fear

in the body and losing fear of them,

losing the fear of fear ".

Nobody says that the above is an easy task (if it were, there would not be so much literature about it), but like almost everything in life, the solution begins with a first step, realizing that the problem exists, understanding it and taking the decision to fix it.

Then it will take a lot of practice.

The no, like the biceps, trains

and gets stronger the more you train.

The more times you say no more you will realize that the world does not collapse around you every time it does, but quite the opposite.

At a certain point, in addition, it will begin to

give you pleasure,

like any other success in your life (and this is not exactly a minor one):

What do we do with those who don't take no for an answer?

And one more thing: we always talk about people who can't say no, but we hardly ever talk about

people

who

don't take no for an answer.

They also have a problem, and not a small one, that they should solve, according to psychologists.

"Of course, those who do not accept one do not also have

psychological conflicts

to resolve, either the

need

to

control

the circumstances in some

specific aspect of their lives,

or wanting to control

another person,

or for

fear

of not achieving what they set out to do. with the consequences that they anticipate for it, "they explain.

The problem, they conclude, is that when faced with a person who does not accept no for an answer and finally gets away with pressuring another "there is a person who has not known how to be firm enough and has allowed himself to be convinced ... by some guy of fear, once again. "

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