It is so difficult that there is even a
profession
, that of
manager
, specialized in the matter: so and so does not grant interviews, menganita will not answer personal questions, little zutan does not want photos ... In fact, wouldn't it be wonderful if we all had
someone who say 'no'
for us, even if it was paying him?
Because our
problem
is that as soon as social desirability comes into play, the fear of rejection, the feeling of guilt ... saying it doesn't make us mess up ... And we get a yes.
Another proof of the enormous
need
we have to
learn to say
no is the bibliography on the matter.
'Do not say yes when you want to say no', 'You can also say no', 'The courage to say no', 'Knowing how to say no', 'And when I say no it is that no', 'Practical notebook to not always say that yes', '50 exercises to know how to say no ',' The art of saying no ',' You know how to say no to your children ',' Learn to say no ',' Essay on the difficulty of saying no ',' Dare to Say no and boost your self-esteem '... My God, we are clearly in the
midst of
an
epidemic of yeses!
The psychologists
María Ibáñez and Jesús Jiménez,
authors of best sellers such as
'Order your mind to order your life' (The Sphere of Books), they know a lot about this thorny and lavish matter.
But, apart from knowing ... do they know how to say no when they want to?
"Let's say that
knowing about the subject is not enough no matter how
much it is studied, because that would only be the
rational part.
Only
facing
and
understanding
the
fear
of saying no and its possible consequences, and being aware of the damages that not doing it has, is how
one gets immunized ...
and how we have done it, indeed yes, we always say no when we want to say no ".
Fear, your main enemy here too
Well, what envy. Why are the rest of us given the matter so badly? "In general terms, when it
is difficult
for a
person to say no
to something, it is because of
one or more fears,
which will be different depending on the circumstances," explains the pair of experts. "For example, when someone is afraid to say no to a
request for a favor,
even if it is not good for him to do so, it may be out of
fear of looking bad
with that person, or
feeling selfish.
It may also be because he wants to
please
that person, because of
interest
in getting something from her, from
affection
to
material gain,
but this is still a
response to fear
of not achieving what you want.
An example would be
pleasing a boss to keep a job,
or pleasing an employee so they don't go to the competition. "
Often times, our own no's surprise us first and anger us later.
How many times has it happened to you that at a request from another person you give a
quick yes
that you later
deeply
regret
?
If you had taken time to answer, you think, maybe your answer would have been different, the classic 'count to 10 before ...'.
Or not?
In fact, María Ibáñez and Jesús Jiménez explain, when someone
does not take the time
to meditate on their response it is, again,
because of fear:
"When someone gives a quick answer and does not reflect enough before accepting something of the that later regrets is because of his
insecurity, the result of some fear,
although at the moment he is not aware of it. His
psychological state
is
conditioned by the fears
and these act
automatically
. It may be due to conflict with other people, fear of being upset, to break one's image, not to have the favor of that person ... ".
Why don't we rectify: "Where I said yes, I say no"
On the other hand, what
prevents
us
, when the time comes, after having given an unwanted yes, to
rectify
and say "I've thought better of it, I don't think so ..."? Again the
fear
, "the same one that pushed us to say yes hastily and that now
prevents us from changing our opinion
and rectifying", say the experts, and they add: "Surely many of those who are reading us have experienced that situation in which they
They regret
having
met someone
for something they
don't feel like,
and when they think about
rectifying they
don't dare, I either
go ahead without wanting to
or
make up an excuse ...
for fear of looking bad ". And all when, psychologists explain," you can always change your mind and rectify it, in a respectful way and without justifying yourself, as long as you don't really harm the other person. "
How to dominate the person in you who always says yes
At this point it is inevitable to ask
how we can act
against those
inner forces
that
constantly
boycott
us
, 'forcing' us to accept things that we do not want in any way. Is there a
technique
that can help us
say 'no'
when this is really the answer we want to give? "If it is understood that the
origin of the problem
is
fear,
it can be easily understood that
exclusively rational techniques, such
as counting to five or giving an evasion
may work at some time
but will
not solve the problem,"
explain María Ibáñez and Jesús Jiménez.
To
definitively change
that to
response automatism,
and without secondary psychological effects, they add, "you have to learn to
resolve those fears.
The correct way is to
faithfully
understand
the problem,
approach the
rational aspects
of the problem reflecting and addressing the emotional part paying
attention to the emotions,
feeling the
sensations of fear
in the body and losing fear of them,
losing the fear of fear ".
Nobody says that the above is an easy task (if it were, there would not be so much literature about it), but like almost everything in life, the solution begins with a first step, realizing that the problem exists, understanding it and taking the decision to fix it.
Then it will take a lot of practice.
The no, like the biceps, trains
and gets stronger the more you train.
The more times you say no more you will realize that the world does not collapse around you every time it does, but quite the opposite.
At a certain point, in addition, it will begin to
give you pleasure,
like any other success in your life (and this is not exactly a minor one):
What do we do with those who don't take no for an answer?
And one more thing: we always talk about people who can't say no, but we hardly ever talk about
people
who
don't take no for an answer.
They also have a problem, and not a small one, that they should solve, according to psychologists.
"Of course, those who do not accept one do not also have
psychological conflicts
to resolve, either the
need
to
control
the circumstances in some
specific aspect of their lives,
or wanting to control
another person,
or for
fear
of not achieving what they set out to do. with the consequences that they anticipate for it, "they explain.
The problem, they conclude, is that when faced with a person who does not accept no for an answer and finally gets away with pressuring another "there is a person who has not known how to be firm enough and has allowed himself to be convinced ... by some guy of fear, once again. "
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