Column “Uni live”: Studying with a depression

The beer crates are hidden behind the United Nations flag. Swimming trunks and towels hang on a coat rack. Right in front of the window, the Eisbach flows through the English Garden in Munich - almost like the real United Nations on the East River in New York. Down here, in the basement of the Political Institute in the Bavarian capital, world politics is negotiated, because this is where the student delegation representing Munich at the simulated “Model United Nations” meets regularly. As a passionate, tight-knit group that is also allowed to build castles in the air in their political speeches, they are something like the theater kids of the social sciences.

The months together were particularly emotional for the twenty-three year old Iago Romero *. In this room he made friends who knew about his mental illness and who accepted him for who he was. Romero has already represented the interests of Vietnam, Saudi Arabia and Indonesia at the model UN. Now he takes a seat in an armchair in the institute's basement and begins a speech about his own situation for the first time.

He's been taking antidepressants for a week and is still working on the right dosage.

He fears the side effects, already feels a slight nausea and a feeling of heat, but after three years of behavior therapy there was no way around the tablets.

"I can't take self-care over my depression if I can't even brush my teeth," he says, a little sarcastically.

Some people find it hard to understand that the bright sunshine falling through the window overlooking the park cannot alleviate Romero's suffering.

The great exhaustion

He is looking for a clear comparison. What followed him “like a mutt” was what began with a mental breakdown in the third semester of his political studies. The "black dog" is a metaphor made famous by Winston Churchill and widely received since then, which seems to be particularly meaningful for the attitude towards life with a depressive disorder. "As if under a leaden blanket" Romero woke up every morning and then spent the day "wrapped in cotton wool", he says. Immediately afterwards he was overcome with great exhaustion that made it impossible to concentrate on anything. His daily challenge was suddenly to keep vital functions going; so to eat at least once a day.

It was correspondingly difficult to reconcile this infirmity with one's ego. What would he lose, what more could he expect from his future if this continued? The inactivity led into a kind of vicious circle. He has never had much self-confidence. Romero comes from a working-class family and is a person of color because of his Colombian roots. If this biography did not already put his achievements into perspective, as he secretly thought, and made him a con man at university - “out of place among all the high-flyers” - then at the latest the extra time he spent for his because of the depression Housework needed. If he sent a psychiatric certificate to one of his lecturers, he got the feeling that he was taking an unfair advantage,and explained each time with a detailed e-mail.

However, Romero also sees e-mail as a political mission. Educating faculty about mental disorders is a real pioneering work. The next time someone else is in the same situation as him, a basic awareness would be created. And future generations of students would thank him for it: "It is cynical to expect depressed people of all people to mess with the system." In a performance society, depression is no longer a private matter, says Romero, it makes one of the goodwill of other people addicted. Nevertheless, coming out still feels like exhibiting private life. The social climate will decide in the future how big this hurdle is for those affected.

On the wall hangs a map of New York City, the place of longing for the young diplomats, which they have not yet been able to experience because of the corona pandemic. At the conference, which was alternatively held online, the team from Munich was at least recognized as an “outstanding delegation”. It is still difficult for Romero to accept such prizes or compliments. "The higher the flight, the deeper the fall," he had long inscribed as a precautionary rule to avoid depressive episodes. A few of his model UN colleagues did not really know how to deal with his mood swings, they thought one of the two sides was not real.

In both directions, his mood is now less volatile since he has been taking the antidepressants.

They also dampen the high-altitude flights.

For example, he misses his intense perception and emotion.

He no longer cries snot and water like he used to when he listens to Richard Wagner's “Tristan und Isolde” or other operas on his smartphone;

the music got a different sound.

Such impressions used to be “like an attack under the skin”, and Romero leaves it up to the listener to decide whether this comparison expresses something good or bad.

In any case, he doesn't want to live forever with the side effects of antidepressants.

He hopes to be able to get rid of her one day, to find a compromise between the extremes and to reconcile himself with his sensitive side.

*

Victor Sattler

(23 years old) is studying psychology and sociology at the University of Munich.

But he was more likely to gain real human knowledge as a waiter, bartender, tutor or at the theater.