Identify PUA and protect yourself
"PUA" is one of the popular words that have been frequently discussed in the past two years.
"Peking University girl suicide incident", "Zhai XX forced her programmer husband to die", "23-year-old girl committed suicide by jumping off the building. She was called PUA by her boyfriend in her suicide note"... Various related social news made people frightened when they mentioned the PUA in intimate relationships.
PUA is the abbreviation of the English "touch-up artist". It originally refers to a party (usually a male) in order to develop a relationship, learn how to improve emotional intelligence and interactive skills to attract the other party until intimate contact occurs.
The original intention of the PUA proponents may be to help those shy people learn to show themselves and master the social skills of communicating with the opposite sex.
However, in today's Internet context, the application scenarios and scope of PUA are far from its earliest meaning, and it has gradually evolved into a synonym for one party in a romantic relationship to exercise emotional control over the other party through mental suppression and other methods.
There is a view that the core of PUA is to deliberately distort the facts and use continuous attacks, denials, misleading, and deception to make the manipulator doubt his own value, and thus have to be obedient to the manipulator.
What are we talking about when we say PUA
According to Jiang Sisi, the chief physician of the Department of Clinical Psychology, Peking University Sixth Hospital, PUA is not a professional term.
"PUA in an intimate relationship" can be regarded as a kind of "coercion control between partners", which means that one partner establishes a behavioral strategy of systematic domination over the other through a variety of methods.
The methods used by the controller include, but are not limited to, abuse, intimidation, isolation, physical/sexual violence, threats, punishment, micro-management, tracking, and economic control.
This kind of "coercion control" makes the victim imprisoned in the illusory world created by the perpetrator, into a situation of chaos, contradiction and fear.
PUA not only occurs in intimate relationships, but also widely used in various relationships. PUA occurs from time to time in the workplace, campus, and family. Jiang Sisi pointed out that when we say “workplace PUA” and “campus PUA”, its meaning may be Closer to "bullying".
According to the definition of the official website of the American Psychological Association, bullying is an aggressive behavior that refers to a person deliberately and repeatedly causing harm or discomfort to another person. The control of the bully.
"Bullying is bullying and oppression under unequal power between people, and it has long existed in human society. Bullying includes both physical or verbal attacks, resistance and exclusion in interpersonal interaction, and it may also be similar to sexual harassment. Talk about sex in general, or ridicule, comment or ridicule body parts." Jiang Sisi said.
"Percussion Education"-the PUA of parents to their children
On the Internet, people sometimes refer to "percussion education" as "PUA in parent-child relationships."
It is worth noting that this family education model is not uncommon in China.
The traditional belief is that strict education can make children become talents.
As the saying goes, "a filial son is born under the stick", and what it respects is the percussive education method.
Parents who grew up under this kind of educational philosophy will also agree with its rationality and believe that loving children should be strictly required for children, so that it is "good for children".
Some parents like to talk about "children of other people's family", use the advantages of "children of other people's family" to compare with their own children's shortcomings, and let their children learn from "children of other people's family".
Even some parents clearly agree with their children in their hearts, and they often take their children as pride in front of outsiders. When facing their children, they don't have a word of approval, and there is always only a blow.
There are also some parents who are worried about being "fear of the child's pride" and will not praise when the child is making progress, but always accuse the child of not doing well enough.
There is a heart-wrenching scene in the variety show "Youth Talk"-
A girl was crying on the stage and complained to her mother: "Why do you always compare me with other classmates? Why do you never see my efforts?" The mother on the stage was not moved, but responded coldly. "Actually, I have been hitting you constantly. With your character, you will float if you don't hit it." The girl wiped her tears and said that her character is not suitable for hitting.
However, my mother still insisted on her own thoughts: "When you are strong, I think I want to take a shot; when you are weak, I think I want to push you."
The daughter's expression was desperate. She found that she couldn't change her mother's behavior anyway, so she cried and walked off the stage.
This conversation was quickly posted to a hot search on Weibo. Many netizens said: "I saw myself in this girl."
Jiang Sisi told China Youth Daily and China Youth Daily that the original intention of many parents to attack their children is to help their children grow into better people, but the result may be to help their children while also hurting their children.
In order to strictly discipline the child and blindly deny and attack the child, it is easy for the child to internalize this denial and attack. When they grow up, they will treat themselves extremely harshly, constantly picking their own faults, and thinking that they are not good enough. , Will use the perfect standard to criticize oneself, this kind of psychology may lead to "self PUA".
Harsh self-demand and unpleasant mood may also increase the risk of depression in children.
Jiang Sisi said that if a person is beaten and denied for a long time, he may internalize this PUA model, and he will "automatically" beat and deny himself without the need for others, and fall into the quagmire of "self-PUA".
Some popular success concepts in the society, such as "people have to be cruel to oneself" and "never be satisfied with oneself", will also contribute to the emergence of "self PUA".
PUA is like a "sugar-coated cannonball" with concealment
In an intimate relationship, since the party being PUA will be harmed, why does he/she allow himself to be in such a relationship for a long time?
Jiang Sisi believes that PUAs in intimate relationships usually have a certain degree of concealment, which makes it often difficult to identify the person who is in it.
"PUA in intimate relationships is usually implemented through language and other means, rather than physical violence. If your partner hits you, you can easily realize that there is a problem with this partner, because most people have a consensus: hitting someone is wrong. However, the verbal harm is much more concealed. Sometimes you don’t even know that you are hurt, but instead think that you have a problem.”
Jiang Sisi further explained that in many cases, PUA in an intimate relationship shows that one party sets standards and rules, thus occupying the initiative and decision-making power in the relationship, and exerting influence on the other party, such as "wearing a short skirt is wrong" and "makeup is wrong". "Bad" "Women should be gentle" "Men should not be stingy" and so on.
In an intimate relationship, PUA is like a "sugar-coated cannonball"-when one party strikes the other mentally, he often says "I am for your good" and "I will tell you this because I love you." "The name "I'm helping you like this" makes the person who is PUA feel very confused: I feel uncomfortable, but I can't tell what's wrong.
In addition, the perpetrator of the PUA usually knows the other party well, and the other party's words are likely to be partially established from a certain angle, which makes it more difficult for the victim to distinguish.
Jiang Sisi also observed that in many cases, PUA victims are not always damaged in a relationship, but will also gain something, which also increases the difficulty of identifying PUA.
"For example, a partner who often hits you in terms of self-worth may take good care of you in life; or he is very handsome and talented, and is very attractive to you." The same is true for PUA in parent-child relationships: parents who inflict injuries are also Parents of children, love for their children is also true.
How to deal with when you find yourself being PUA
So, how to identify the PUA in a relationship?
Jiang Sisi believes that the assessment can be made from the following perspectives:
First of all, observe that the other party is criticizing some of your shortcomings, or denying all of you.
For example, when you are careless, normal people will say "Carelessness is not good and need to be corrected", but the bully will deny you as a whole, and will extend from carelessness to "You are careless, you can't, you have problems, others will not I like you and won't recognize you..."
Secondly, analyze whether the other party's words are suggestions or orders, whether you have the right to choose; if you do not accept, how the other party will react, whether to respect your choice, or attack you, and persecute you.
Many times, the words of the PUA applicator sound like they are urging you to improve and become a better person.
However, there is a key point here: do you have to grow, must you progress?
Do you have other options?
In a normal relationship, you are free and have the right to choose. When faced with suggestions, you can choose to accept instead of obey.
Third, listen to your own feelings.
Ask yourself: "Are you happier in this relationship? Are you more fulfilled? Are you more confident?" If a relationship makes you unhappy, unconfident, self-doubt, and feel bad about yourself , Feeling hopeless and helpless, then this relationship is problematic.
"Some people think that a relationship requires effort. If they feel uncomfortable, they will question the relationship. Are they too caressed and don’t know how to give? But in fact, a good relationship should be that others think you are very Hard work and a lot of effort, but you yourself enjoy it. If in the eyes of others, your relationship is very good, but your heart is very tangled and uncomfortable, then you have to consider whether there is a problem with this relationship." Jiang Sisi Say.
When you find yourself being PUA, how should you deal with it?
Jiang Sisi said that leaving this relationship to relieve the source of pain is of course a good way.
But in many cases, a person cannot immediately withdraw from a relationship. At this time, you can still take some measures to protect yourself.
For example, you can use the "balanced reflection method", that is, not only to reflect on yourself, but also to think from the perspective of the observer, what might be wrong with the other party's approach, or to communicate with friends and listen to different perspectives to avoid getting caught in excessive self. Reflection.
"Especially when you are in a relationship that even you think is problematic, you can even think about whether the other party has a problem first, so as to get out of the PUA trap."
If the injury has occurred, please allow yourself to get help
Jiang Sisi pointed out that some people have suffered mental suppression in relationships for a long time, and they are easy to feel depressed and unhappy. They may even develop into pessimism and despair, live like years, feel unhappy, and feel that "living has no meaning" and "life has no fun". At this time, they may have developed into a "depressive state." ", you need to seek help from a psychiatrist or psychotherapist in time.
However, in real life, many people do not realize that their mental state has reached a pathological level, but think that "I have encountered a bad thing, and the state is of course poor"; some people find that they are depressed. , But firmly believe that the root of the disease is in the relationship, "If the root of the disease is not resolved, my depression will not be healed." Therefore, they do not seek professional help. What made me treat".
Jiang Sisi analogously said: "If you are bruised and broken by someone else, or cut and bleed by someone else, the fault is indeed someone else, but you will be treated for the injured in the end. In the same way, no matter what the cause is, when you are emotional.' If you are sick, you must be responsible for your mental health. Especially when the cause cannot be dealt with for a while, it is important to evaluate your emotional state and seek professional help."
China Youth Daily·China Youth Daily reporter Xia Jin Source: China Youth Daily