Sex New romantic dictionary: from 'crush' to 'haunting' through 'ghosting'
"Breaking up is never easy", said ABBA in their mythical 'Knowing Me Knowing You' back in the 70s. The Swedish quartet, at least in this song, described the sentimental goodbye as a
painful act of bravery
, sealed by words sincere spoken face to face. In other words, basically, the opposite of that "
he went for tobacco and never came back
" that today, thanks to that very marketinian varnish that the English language gives us, we call
'ghosting
'.
A word that, no matter how much it tries to 'soften' reality by pulling Anglicism, hides a
cruel, cowardly action
whose consequences in those who suffer it can go far beyond what the one who practices it with 'daytime', nighttime can imagine , treachery and, in many cases,
little or no sense of guilt
.
"The data is alarming,
26% of women and 33% of men have
already suffered the 'ghosting' effect at some point. I have seen how many people write to me on social networks that they have suffered or patients who need psychological help to cope with this kind of traumatic separation, "explains Lara Ferreiro, Ashley Madison's spokesperson psychologist.
But just in case, at this point, someone is not aware that they have crushed their ex-partners by
disappearing without a trace
,
let's
clarify what it is, exactly, to ghosting: "It comes from the English word 'ghost', which means ghost. And being 'ghosted' means that without prior notice, the person with whom you were romantically involved disappears from the face of the earth, does not contact you again and, if you take the initiative, do not answer to your Whatsapps or to your calls and it even blocks you from their social networks. In this way, it is supposed,
you have to realize that the relationship has ended
.
This type of rupture is very cruel for those who suffer it because they do not give either the option to reply or the opportunity to say goodbye, "says Ferreiro.
Although the denomination is relatively new, these types of breaks have been around for a lifetime.
"The flight behavior (in the French way)
is nothing new in couple relationships
. In fact, phrases like" he went for tobacco and never came back "describe this type of behavior. In Spain, we also call it" bomb of smoke ", to define the people who simply leave without saying a word.
CHARLIZE'S GHOSTING
The history behind the birth of the term is, at best, curious. "It was minted in 2015. The 'New York Times' said that actress
Charlize Theron
had found out that her until then boyfriend, also actor
Sean Penn
, had been unfaithful and she ended the relationship with him from This way. He simply stopped seeing him, cut off all communication with him and did not answer his phone calls again. That same year, the 'Webster' dictionary chose 'ghosting' as the word of the year. As of this At the moment, this term went viral and now this word is used to define this type of rupture. "
Why, suddenly, what yesterday were laughter and promises today is a thunderous silence? Why don't you call? Why don't you reply to messages? Why don't you like my photos or gossip about my stories anymore? "First - this specialist recommends - it would
be to be honest with oneself
and determine if it is really a 'ghosting' or if you just saw each other once and he is not interested in you (and it is difficult for you to assume it or you do not get it)".
The 'ghosting'.
It continues, it implies "an unexplained disappearance when an
emotional, mental and / or sexual connection
had already been established
."
If it had already materialized, it occurs "out of the
pure narcissistic comfort
of not showing up and out of cowardice of not wanting to face the moment of leaving that other person."
It is clear that "nobody likes to go through the moment of breaking up with someone, because it is not pleasant."
However, this spokeswoman for Ashley Madison points out that "new technologies have favored this
cruel way of ending a relationship
. I block you and here you stay, if I have seen you I do not remember. Or I stop answering, easy, cruel and fast ".
Like it or not (and we don't usually like it), in today's world, cutting off the virtual communication channels we had with someone is the most 'visual' way to close a relationship. "If a person
blocks
you
from their WhatsApp, Facebook, Twitter or Instagram it
is as if you did not exist. With you disappearing or making the person with whom you had a relationship, informal relationship, friends with rights or semi-relationship disappear is enough It is no longer necessary to change jobs, move house or city. Unfortunately, it seems that it is enough to delete your contact. "
The old 'eyes that do not see, heart that does not feel' has found in the virtual field the perfect place to germinate.
"A very interesting video about 'ghosting' circulates on the internet. In it, a professor at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT), Sherry Turkle -specialized in social relations in these times of Millennials- comments that
'ghosting' is about something almost unique in the online world
. If someone sends you a message, you feel that if you want to, you will not reply at all. On the other hand, if we were having a face-to-face conversation with someone, we would have to reply something. We have gotten used to getting rid of people replying just ... nothing. "
HOW TO ASSUME IT IF YOU SUFFER IT
What do we do if we suffer it?
"First of all, knowing that it has nothing to do with you, that this person is a
perverse narcissistic person
, that he only loves himself and that he does so out of cowardice, fear of your reaction or self-centeredness," asserts this psychologist.
Assuming it should be the first step towards pure
mental health
.
"Focus on your life and on that person who did not consider whether he loves you or not and who is mature enough to be able to talk about things."
The second, "
don't think about why he did it
because you won't know."
It is, in his opinion, "a style of behavior learned by the other and the result is the same: you are
no longer going to be together
."
Third, put limits on it if it comes back.
"
From 'ghosting you can go to' zombing ',
from' ghost 'to' zombie 'that resuscitates after a while".
Then what do we do?
"He is blocked and
he is never answered
. Silence is an answer. By the way, work on empathy so that he knows how you felt. He will do the same to you."
"Surround yourself with the people who love you, focus on raising your self-esteem and in the event that you cannot overcome it by yourself, go to therapy with an expert psychologist", would be Lara Ferreiro's fourth advice.
PERVERSE NARCISSISTS
If they know that they go through life leaving a trail of pain and uncertainty, don't those who perpetrate it feel guilty?
"In many cases, no. They are
beings without empathy and narcissists
who think about their well-being and do not care how the other may feel.
A jewels of nature
!"
Moreover, he continues, if guilt were to invade them, "it would last very little because they are going to look for their next victim, without looking back. They tend to be
recurring patterns of behavior
."
Although it seems incredible, this psychologist tells us that there are different types of 'ghosting':
1. THE RADICAL
"
They nip in the bud
and forever. They leave without giving you any kind of explanation. Very complicated to manage for the victim since they can spend months thinking about what happened. And, even (the last straw that I have heard in therapy) ,
blaming himself for something
. "
2. THE SLOW
"You met a charming man, there was a lot of chemistry between you, he used to text you on a daily basis and it was difficult for him to separate himself from the phone. You notice that he has an interest in you,
you get excited and you go on believing that you are almost like a couple
. Suddenly, a good man. day without prior notice and suddenly, where it used to take five minutes to answer, now it takes five ... hours! You have to be the one who always take the initiative. You
notice a change in the way you write until it finally disappears completely without explanation
, "he says.
And at this moment is when "a thousand questions assail you that you do not find the answers: why has he disappeared? Did I say or do something that has scared him? Has something happened to him? And what do I do now?"
This type of gradual 'ghosting' is like a premonition: "You know something is wrong but you don't dare to admit it. In a subtle way, it disappears, it's like
a" sweet "death
, it takes a long time to respond to your WhatsApp, respond with silences and voids to your questions or you are always the person who seeks communication with him and initiates conversations ".
3. THE BENCH
It sounds horrible but the person who practices this type of 'ghosting' "
has you as a substitute
but, when you are going to meet, cancel, something always happens and you buy their excuses".
Despite his 'sit-ins', "he
keeps giving you 'likes
' on your social networks to stay there or comment on your photos on your Instagram or Facebook."
He never initiates the conversation although he keeps the flame alive just in case: "
You are not his priority but he does not want you to disappear from his substitute list in
case, at some point, he takes you out to play a game on the pitch."
Disgusting?
Much.
No matter where you look, "
no one deserves 'ghosting', it
is the cruelest way to break up with someone."
The question is: not even Sean Penn?
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