Keep your concern in your heart and listen again when others are willing to tell you!
Because after all, even if you don't know the scores of other people's children, it will not affect your life.
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How do you feel when you are asked about your child's grades?
If your child’s grades are excellent and progress is obvious, you may feel that this is an opportunity to share happiness and enjoy others’ admiration and praise; but if your child’s grades continue to lag behind or regress significantly, you may immediately fall into embarrassment and feel that you have been poked by the opponent. Pain points, very disturbing.
Of course, if you are asking about your close relatives and friends, you may confide in your inner grievances and anxiety...
Before you ask about the grades of other people’s children, please ask yourself: What is the motivation for my children’s grades?
What effect do you hope to achieve?
What kind of psychological feeling does it cause to the other's parents?
Will it affect the parent-child relationship of other people's families?
Maybe you have never considered these before, unintentionally making other people's children and parents uncomfortable.
People who like to ask questions can be roughly divided into the following types: "highly involved."
Their starting point is kind.
The family's elders, relatives, and close friends of parents who watched their children grow up, care about their children from the bottom of their hearts, hoping to share the joy of their children's excellent grades and share the pain of their children's failure in grades.
They will comfort the child, "You are actually very smart, but you don't work hard. If you work hard, your grades will naturally improve."
They educate their children for their parents: "Your parents are reluctant to eat and wear. They spend all their money in the cram school. You must be worthy of your parents' efforts in the future." But the children may think, "You don't understand my true situation!" Why bother with so much." After asking too much, the child no longer likes to attend this kind of party.
"Polite and caring".
On the surface, I am very concerned, but in fact I don't mind.
Interviewers are often neighbors and parents' colleagues. In their minds, asking children about their children's grades is the most relaxed and affectionate topic among adults.
"Your kids are smart at the sight. How many points do they take?" In fact, no matter how many points their parents say, they will respond "Yes, they will definitely be able to attend key schools in the future."
They don't care at all about the difficulty of the exam and the level of the child's score.
The questioner is unintentional, but the listener still unavoidably feels it.
When the child’s grades are good, the parents are eager to talk more; when the child’s grades are not good, the parents will make a false response, but the child says in his heart, "Why is it okay to talk about my grades, this is my privacy".
"Learning to learn from each other."
The person inquiring may be an anxious parent. They hope to learn from the strengths of others and understand the learning situation of all the children around, especially those who are the same age as their own children or older than their own children, and use this as a reference for continuous improvement. , Supervise their children to learn.
They not only asked about the grades of other people’s children, but also about the daily study time, how many extracurricular classes they took, and whether they could recommend a better tuition teacher. They urged students with good grades to teach their children the methods of learning...they bring their own Anxiety is communicative. The mentality of parents who are followed by this kind of parents is more complicated. On the one hand, they feel "snooped", and on the other hand, they can't help being "paced" by them. The child's academic performance.
This kind of parents will tell their children, "You see that XX is very obedient, has taken XX extracurricular classes, and his grades are so good!" "You see XX learns at midnight every day, and never need to be supervised by parents." The child finished listening. , May immediately reverse: "You see so-and-so's father is more profitable and high-ranking, why don't you compare..." Parents and children immediately started the mutual harm mode, and comparison became the main theme.
Children are the most annoyed of such people who inquire everywhere, and even hope that parents will stop dealing with such people.
"Package inquiry type".
This type of people, the starting point of "inquiring" is not simple enough. They integrate the fragments of the children's daily life information to outline the child's growth trajectory as a kind of social conversation with parents... "You Look at XX busy with work, regardless of children, the results of the college entrance examination results are not satisfactory, what is the point of success in career?" Randomly comment on other people’s children and families, like "amateur psychologists" and "planners for college advancement". Poor reputation among parents.
In fact, they did not expect that the way of judging others at will would indirectly affect the image of their children among their classmates...
In fact, every child has his own unique growth trajectory, and blindly inquiring about the learning situation of other people's children will not improve their own children.
In April this year, a classmate asked me for a consultation after the "one model" in the third year of high school. Because of her interpersonal conflict with her classmates affected her mentality, she slipped from the middle grade to the bottom 30.
I evaluated the child’s mental state, learning foundation, and learning ability. I noticed that all her mother’s attention was constantly inquiring about the college entrance examination information, the organization’s class status, and the scores of other students’ children, whether it was a normal college entrance examination or Take the art test, and then go home to give my child various ideas. The idea changes three times a day, casually scribbling and nagging, making the child upset... So, when I meet with her every week for consultation, I will emphasize that my mother will quit. Various "parent groups" to avoid being "anxious".
My mother listened to my advice and constantly adjusted her mindset while blocking information.
After counseling the child from psychological counseling to learning method instruction, the child's college entrance examination score finally exceeded the provincial "one book" line by 5 points, and the grade ranked middle and upper.
Every adult should manage his curiosity and anxiety, and don't become a boring "inquiry".
Too many consultation cases show that the direct cause of parental anxiety and parent-child conflict is that friends and relatives ask about academic performance.
At the final exam stage, please keep your concerns in mind and listen again when others are willing to tell you!
Because after all, even if you don't know the scores of other people's children, it will not affect your life.
(The author is the founder of Xinhanglu Educational Psychology Institution)
Zhang Lishan Source: China Youth Daily